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 My mind toxins, redefined.

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Feral
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PostSubject: My mind toxins, redefined.    Wed Mar 31, 2010 10:24 am

He looks across the windswept grass, and looks straight through the hour glass,
He sings a long forgotten song, and wonders where he might belong,
He walks through the falling rain, and shakes his head just like a mane,
His feet don’t leave a cratered hole, but leave shadowed trails like his darkened soul
Past rivers and sea he still walks on, cursed to trudge the land alone,
He looks upon a setting moon, and dreads the light that will come soon,
But he walks on to never stop, as if he is whipped by horses’ strop,
His limbs may burn a furnace fire, but rugged land his mind admires,
Like wind, rain, and white washed beach, a hand he longs for is out of reach,
So this man walks, to never stop, doomed to trudge the land alone.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

:Wolverine might start using that in my sig, I hope you like this poem.


Last edited by Noumenon on Wed Jul 21, 2010 10:22 am; edited 1 time in total
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Mozzie
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Thu Apr 01, 2010 3:23 am

Aww.. I pity the man you were talking about in this poem Feral. Anyway, the ryhming was good so was the flow of words. But can I ask what was the story behind this poem? Its...it's kinda made me think of a lone man travelling by himslef just to get to something he really loved or more.
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Thu Apr 01, 2010 3:34 am

my aunt was pretty poetic, she said to me that you gotta keep fighting, lonely or not. she said that everything you love is always right in front of you, each step takes you closer. she said that everything you see that is beautiful is the next step, your heart can get sliced up, but you know the things you value will be there, all you have to do is fight the pain, and once you get there, you won't be so lonely.
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Thu Apr 01, 2010 6:24 am

Can't really add more then what GG already said...You had great word flow and rhyming, I really liked it but I'm not really the guy whom should be cticizing...Considering that I'm no poet myself.



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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Sun Apr 04, 2010 10:28 pm

thanks, well, this is anther one, hope you like it....

Look across, at darkened skies, where smoke still rises and demons fly.
Where atop mountains glow fiery red, where long told stories were once said.
Past shadowed souls, and night bathed stone, past places men can’t walk alone.
Take a step, towards abyss, and try your hand at passing this.
If you do, and my friend you might, you will see a lighter light.
Let demons try to push you down, fight them off with rocks somehow.
Take a candle, to light your way, so you can see were no one may.
And tie a rope around your waist, so when you need I tug you up, to stop the drop and then the fall.
But watch out for the dark side’s creatures, which fight with tooth and claw and fingers.
For if you don’t, they’ll grip you tight, and drag you into endless night.
I bid thee luck; goodbye, and strength, god knows you’ll need it in the wreck.
I throw you now into the fray, and see you walk a long, long way.
But you, my friend, you past these tests, you look at me from far leagues west.
Longing to see your love again, you vow to find a new way in.
But that story is another one, and to be told fights must be won.
But one day, long, and dangerous, you will find your way from west.
And rescue me from cloudy skies, and take me back, to watch sunrise.
I look upon this day with joy, and hope this day will you will not toy.
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Mon Apr 05, 2010 12:52 am

WOW! That was brilliant Feral! cheers I can't say any negative things about this one. I loved it. I don't think I need to say how the the words flow together etc. etc. since this one was really good. The only thing I can say for now is to keep writing and we shall all wait, especially me. Lmao
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Mon Apr 05, 2010 7:42 am

Omg......BRILLIANT! Dang...That really was incredible...Nice one Feral! The rhyming and word choice was so near perfection that it nearly got to it! *Looks in GG's sig*

Wow...I hope I'll see more coming soon! I was just going to read the first line but then I went for the second...Then the third and the fourth and the fifth and etc! :D

The first line really was the best if you ask me!! :D :D :D :D




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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Mon Apr 05, 2010 12:00 pm

Well I've said what I wanted to say on IF. I will only add that you continue to write because these are very good poems...

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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Tue Apr 06, 2010 3:10 am

The world is drenched in crimson blood, red bubbles forming in the flood.
The sun has turned a scarlet hue, and drenched all those below in cue.
The people, chained and powerless, strain against there bonds, but find, because of wickedness, doom has descended all.
Each tug chaffs wrists and ankles, each moan deserves a whip, and each sign of defiance, is very quickly clipped.
Ten columns stretch the distance; each one as still as rock, for if a step is outwards, it is struck down and blocked.
The creatures that enforce this, a fault they do not miss, and each night by a bonfire, they tear child limb from limb.
These monsters, with their twisted horns, and slimy scaly skins, they smile as each cry thunders, and always do begin.
Mercy is not given here, where bodies and souls are kept, but cruelly falsely given, and taken as they wept.
Each day turns into moonless night, the stars always gone from sight.
So darkness falls, and fires begin, the stars are gone, and they walk alone.
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Tue Apr 06, 2010 3:21 am

Wow! This absolutely was your best so far I think. It made me think of war and those people just for the sake of pleasure. Meh, this reminded me of a scene from Eragon.

Anyway, as usual, I liked the rhythm etc. Keep writing Feral. That's all I can say for now.
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Fri Apr 09, 2010 10:21 pm

The ground is charred, the wind is dead, and our souls are drenched in liquid red.
Your heart is torn, your soul is rent, and painful tears are all but spent.
Scars trace a path, across your mind, but that still doesn’t make you blind.
Your feet drag across the soil, and your body trembles as you toil.
The sky is black, the trees are bent, and your eyes are wet from tears you’ve spent.
Crystal rain coats the skies, and shimmers just before sunrise.
It keeps you breathing for a time, and then watching turns into a crime.
And when that ends, nothings left, you’re alone on that far cleft.
So you bow your head, while you’re dragged away, I’ll see you again, some other day.
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Fri Apr 09, 2010 10:42 pm

God that was good! Good imagery & rhythm!!
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Sat Apr 10, 2010 6:17 am

Amazing. Not only was the imagery and rhyming and rhythm brilliant, but the actual topic of the poem was also very intriguing. Figures of speech you used were fantastic. This is definitely my favorite among you poems. Keep it up Feral...

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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Sat Apr 10, 2010 11:10 am

Oh-hoh! I don't think I can say anything more to that. CC and Artrain already said it for me. Hmm,. ANyway, keep writing Feral. Look forward to your update. ^^;
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Sun May 09, 2010 9:56 am

I walked through this broken house, past battered and bruised doors.
These doors, they stretched the distance, a never ending hall.
And I realized, as I opened one, how blind I was to all.
These doors opened to memories, the ones I thought were fun.
But as I watched the moment pass, I try to turn and run.
And I found this steel clad cage, barring my escape.
And I rattled at the hinges, fighting at my fate.
But found they would not move, and the clasp remained stock still.
And that even though I didn’t want to, I turned to watch again.
Each flash revealed a heartbreak, and I watched on in dismay.
And i saw everything, crystal clear as day.
I realized darkness wins, even in the sun.
I saw that women on the curb, the one that I ignored.
Sorry for what I did, I begged and I implored.
But I know that my past is clouded, a never ending mist.
I realized no matter how much we paint a piece of wood, the grain will always twist.
And that even though the grass is green, it’s only because the soil is dying beneath it.
That fire burns at the wick, and dies in what it’s burnt, every time it’s lit.
I turned with all my strength, and saw a chequered board.
In each black space a moment passed, each one of purest pain.
And I stepped back, cornered once again.
My back against the wall, I suddenly began to fall, and I saw the dark swallow me whole.
My eyes wide, I step back again, this time tripping on a hole.
My back, it slams against the ground, and solid hands, they hold me down.
Then I roll, and fall again, dirt staining my shirt brown.
Two dogs snarl above me, and dirt falls from the sky.
And I’m being buried. Being buried alive.
Then im in a bright room, with doctors all around, three of them are scowling, and two holding me down.
One grabs the needle, no matter how I scream.
And just before it hits me, I manage to break free.
The doctors turn into demons, and a tail raps around my neck.
Then I’m pushed through the wall, and I’m in a train wreck.
I watch as my body is wheeled past, my form limp and dead.
Im standing on the train tracks, the stones burnt black as led.
Then, out of nowhere, im sitting up in bed.
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Sun May 09, 2010 10:10 am

Dear lord. What have you written here...? This is incredible. I do not know what to say to be honest. This is too good for any mere comment to be made. The feeling was unreal... Haven't read something like this for a long time. Thank you for sharing it with us is all I can manage right now...

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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Sun May 09, 2010 10:18 am

Affraid Affraid Affraid What did you just do Feral?! THis is just too.... Awesome I really do I love you it!! Artrain is right!! THis is just AMAZING!! <3
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Sun May 09, 2010 4:02 pm

Wow. Um... I'm speechless. It was total wow. How the hell do you manage to write like that?

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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Mon May 10, 2010 1:36 am

Thanks.... I'm glad you like it... *smiles* Look, I REALLY suck at titles... So, would anyone be willing to give any ideas?

@ Ar, *grins widely* no, thank YOU for reading, and I'm really glad you like it!

@ gg, dude, LOL, <3 glad you read it, even more glad you like it.

@FA, this was actually based on a dream I ALWAYS have, though I cut out the more of the.... graphic...... bits....... :L
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Wed May 12, 2010 10:01 am

Look at the fluffy teddy bears, sitting on her wall.
I know where she got them, that store inside the mall.
She says that she can see them, and that I can’t explain.
But she just shrugs and tells me, ‘they’re very, very plain’
But they’re brown and pink and blue, her favourite colours, right?
I know that she is joking somewhere, if I try with all my might.
She sees the people walking by, and the faces walking past.
And she can see the city, by sitting on the top mast.
She says my hair is straight, and I don’t understand.
And she holds my arm tight as we walk across dry land.
She just turns and shrugs with ease, she never quiet looks at me.
But that’s just because she’s been blind since three.
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Wed May 12, 2010 10:17 am

Wow.... How do you write like this? This is so.... effortless. So... perfect. It looks like a light composition in the first glance, but at a closer look, the depth of the meaning in it is unbelievable. The figures of speeches used are extremely effective. Parts of it are subtle, but they always connect to something prominent, and that produces an amazing effect for the reader, which is a very unusual talent. I can't explain it properly, but these poems you write come by very rarely. The imagery used is so normal, and so genius. The conclusion though, was in another league. You left the key right at the end. Simply amazing...

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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Thu May 13, 2010 3:48 am

It’s forced me to slip, to jump, and run.
I’ve hid, and fought until I’m numb.
But it seems to find me every time.
I didn’t want to, that’s the truth.
It’s not my fault there’s a chocolate booth.

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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Thu May 13, 2010 3:51 am

*laughs* A chocolate booth? Very nice Feralz Razz Short one, but was fun to read. Nice work...

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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Thu May 13, 2010 3:57 am

OMG!!! THe previous one before this poem was astounding girl!! I can just agree to Artrain... hehehe... Smile And LOL with that last poem!! Chocolate booth?! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Thu May 13, 2010 4:51 am

You know I’m scared, I’ve told you twice.
I’ve tried to take that horror disguise, ‘cause I know your really good inside.
But you grip my wrist, and shake your head, it’s this law that you abide.
I sigh, you smile, and it’s back again.
That cynical smile I tried to mend.
I half frown, and you hug me tight.
I know your trying with all your might.
But can’t you smile, just once, for me?
I’ve seen it before, I know you can.
You said you only did for me.
But we can’t, ok, can’t you see?
You have her, I have him.
I know, for a while, life’s gonna be dim.
Your trying hard to hold me here, meanwhile my heart is crumbling thin.
You’ve tried, I know you have, but deep down, there’s no horror disguise.
I know how you feel, and I sympathise.
But peel that mask, and grin once more.
For once it won’t be me you’re smiling for.
She’s good, you know, much better than us.
Now you guys can sit together on the bus.
You moan, and I try hard not to cry.
But tears roll down, no matter how hard I try.
And you do that face that makes me weak.
I know now he’s gonna be bleak.
But she’ll fix him, he’s sturdy too.
But now, I gotta figure out what to do.

---------------------------------------

look at the line with the word 'bus', all thanks to gg, that line. she gave me the idea ^_^ say thank you to her, aye?


Last edited by Jester on Thu May 13, 2010 7:58 am; edited 1 time in total
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