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 My mind toxins, redefined.

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Mozzie
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Thu May 13, 2010 5:06 am

Sad Sad Sad You know girl, this made me think about something. Something about what happeened to you and your ex. =/

Anyway, as always, an Awesome poem!! Bleh, I don't really know what to critique because your poems are always Epic for me. ^_^
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Artrain
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Thu May 13, 2010 8:01 am

Hmm. This is a bit intriguing. Well written and all. One question. There seem to be human elements in you poem (or at least they are written as if they're human), and they are 'I', 'you', 'her', 'him', and 'us'. But then in the latter part, you are talking about 'she' fixing 'him'. I'd like you elaborate on all these please if you can...

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Feral
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Thu May 13, 2010 8:16 am

ok, you have to pat attention to the 12th line, "you have her, i have him"
= his GF... the girls new BF...
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Thu May 13, 2010 8:21 am

Yes I guessed that much. What I cannot understand is which two are you talking about in this line, "But she’ll fix him, he’s sturdy too."? The 'she' would intend it to be his new GF. But who's 'he'?

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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Thu May 13, 2010 8:24 am

'he' is the guy mentioned throughout the poem..... sorry if im confusing.....
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Thu May 13, 2010 9:54 am

Hmm, you changed the view point in the poem from second person to third person. That is not advisable since it tends to confuse the reader. I'd suggest you continue using 'you' right until the end. I think it'll be good to change the third last and the second last line. Just my opinion.

Apart from this, your poem is as good as always, so don't worry about it...

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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Thu May 27, 2010 9:00 am

Limp hands hold the candle.
Blank eyes stare across at space.
I draw inspiration here, maybe a holy place.
The soft smell of scented smoke, and the sight of ancient saints.
They lull me to a reverie, a quiet, observant state.
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Tue Jun 01, 2010 1:27 am

O.O Umm...that is... I dunno but I imagined myself walking in a dark hallway, alone. It brings the feeling like I am walking to meet my death... D= is this just me or my imagination is just.... ah well... XD
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Tue Jun 08, 2010 3:24 pm

Hmm, thats interesting. Quite unusual mood you created through it, even though it was small. Your consistency in writing good poems remains intact. Very good Feral...

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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Fri Jun 11, 2010 11:41 pm

^_^ Thanks, but honestly, I forgot I posted that. :J Here is another one;


I feel these chains, I feel their hold, and I try to see this hope.
I hold my walls, and keep their strength, my battalion of defence.
I’m on my knees, but I hold the line, no matter all the pain.
The weight may force my back to bow, and the chains may slice my skin and maim.
But ill hold the straight, and stand again, so you can try to escape.
The bonds are here; they intertwine, and strengthen day by day.
Now im in the water, weighed down by these things, I can’t find a way to breathe.
What’s the worth? Should I try to swim? You say that I need to fight.
My heart releases a shuddering beat, and I snarl and I stand.
Yes, I know, I’m dying.
I wouldn’t, if I just fought.
But what’s the worth of trying, when im lost, and without my thoughts?
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:02 am

Return to the old style. Brilliant this. Reminded me a bit of my own first poem. Very good use of allegory. Well written as always, and nicely ended too...

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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Thu Jul 01, 2010 10:17 am

Thanks, lol. Here is another one;


Poem taken out


Last edited by Firestar on Sun Apr 03, 2011 7:35 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Thu Jul 01, 2010 10:23 am

O.O Feral,.... I loved it! Affraid THe imagery was great. The rhyme and all that. Heh? That's all I can really say! Seriously, that was a good poem! Awesome
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Thu Jul 01, 2010 10:35 am

Dear god this is incredible. I'm quite short of words right now. It is so well written. You say exactly, perfectly, what you want to say. The metaphors were simple, but you used it so effectively. The imagery was vivid; you created a precise picture in my mind. The rhyming was random, but that didn't matter at all. When the thoughts are written with such clarity, and such depth, no one really looks at the rhyming or the rhythm. Let this be a lesson to you that rhyming and rhythm should not be the number one priority in poems; it is the thoughts that matter. If you portray such deep feelings, the reader is going to be completely involved in what you have to tell, and will not notice anything else. Truly amazing Feral. Thank you for updating...

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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Fri Jul 02, 2010 11:05 am

Darkness swims across the wall.
Sun stops before the window sill.
It’s in the corner, shrinked and small.
It’s lying, you see, it’s there to kill.
Its black eyes stare, its claws are new.
You’re feeding it, a dam of cruel.
And in its soul hate does brew.
It grows and buries itself deep.
Waves of meek roll of it’s feet.
And seeps into your sleep.
And now it towers and it stands.
Souls it eats, and dark it feeds.
nothing else its mind demands.
It’s the you you never see.
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Fri Jul 02, 2010 11:27 am

O.o Feral, that was a bit scary. I loved the ending of it. THe imagery was good too. Well composed Feral. cheers
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Fri Jul 02, 2010 1:00 pm

Stunning. Stunning. How do you write such stuff? It is so perfect. The ending is unbelievable. Unbelievable. Maddening. You shouldn't be able to write such incredible stuff at your age! The figures of speech are so good! The whole poem is symbolic. Allegorical. And yet there is a certain simplicity in it. Or perhaps I should say clarity. The metaphors didn't hinder the depiction of the nature of your thoughts. Genius. I'm going to run out of praises at this rate... it leaves me in a different plane...

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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Fri Jul 02, 2010 8:32 pm

Jeez Feral! That seemed dark too me...good job! Liked the rhyming and your rhythm...was interesting all in all...Im gonna have to keep peeping in here to see what else you write. Razz Ok well done Feralz keep updating!
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Tue Jul 06, 2010 10:35 am

I breathed the lonely path, and strode a colder road.
I walked before the darkness, and had no love for what life means.
I cared not for simple sunsets, or the way the sun breaks across the waves.
My heart was still and frozen; it gave creeks and echoed keens.
I was the quiet observer, my one and only slave.
I watched those foolish choices that made my best friend cry.
For once, my heart moved slightly, and it quaked a low toned beat.
By god, it hurt to see you. It ripped my heart apart.
I realized I could stand beside you, and fight off all your pain.
But I just jumped a bullet, and I just hit the ground.
And you seemed dumbstruck that I jumped it, like I would not go that far.
My empty growl still resounds.
So now I’ve turned to soldier, worse than my lonely star.
I march to see the distance.
To the sound of my hearts low beat.

--------------------------------

Written when I was eleven. XD
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Tue Jul 06, 2010 4:15 pm

Noumenon wrote:

Written when I was eleven. XD
Incredible. Incredible. Forgive me dear girl, for I have run out of words to describe how your poems are. This one was not even a bit less in worth than your best poems. I do not know how you can write so many good ones. I can just say that there is nothing I enjoy more than reading these. Please continue...

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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Tue Jul 06, 2010 7:37 pm

Wow Feral..that was amazing...It cought my interested when I saw the word 'bullet" Razz Though still great poem! Awesome imagery and feeling please keep writing.
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Wed Jul 07, 2010 1:46 am

Wow, as always, your poem is outstanding. I can say that's one of your best girl. ;) Not to say the fact that you wrote that when you were still eleven. Impressive.. Keep writing.. :D
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Sat Aug 07, 2010 8:38 am

My god, these are incredible...sorry but I'm still kinda stunned by your talent. That very last poem was so incredible, so perfect, the ideas, the thoughts it provokes, the way the words fuse into one. And also...eleven? Lord that's incredible, I've always said that age doesn't matter, but at eleven I could barely string sentances together let alone write something or such magnitude. Sorry, I might be getting carried away here, but you are absolutley brilliant to have the sense, understanding, talent...all of it to compose things so amazing. Still stunned...
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Mon Aug 09, 2010 9:45 am

You fancy me mad? Begone! Foul beast!
I am but a human with sight!
No phantasms queer shall bother me least!
I am not a human that bites!

The dark songs of nightmares, the sirens of the sea.
They sing a sweet melody.

But you do not hear, or sea the great waves, nor do you see the lights!
You think I am mad? I am not! I insist!
For you are not as silent as i!

At night, as you murmur, and slumber, at ease.
I creep by without any light.
And see you a sleeping, napping, and dozing,
Almost still save for expanding chest.

But you, without knowledge, are knock-knock-knock-knocking
At the tempest inside of my mind.
And for that you must surely die.
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PostSubject: Re: My mind toxins, redefined.    Mon Aug 09, 2010 9:59 am

O.O what was that? Anger? :O if so, wow Feral... Great, great, greeeaaattt work!! I loved how you used those excalamation marks though. Very well-fitting. ;) well done, girl! :D
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