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 The Rose of Forgiveness

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princeoforion
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PostSubject: The Rose of Forgiveness   Fri Apr 02, 2010 8:58 am

well my first story here
hope u guys like it

PROLOGUE
The sorcerer walked high into the passes of the Blightstone Mountains. The night was treacherously beautiful. The sorcerer walked on the passes, the path was a dangerous one but he walked them without a glitch, the moon shone with a hypnotic light casting its grey light everywhere the black spires of the blightstone mountains were shadowed in the background, the sorcerer came to a point where he overlooked the entire range. It was breathtaking, he stood on the highest peak and before him all the lower peaks lay scattered their bottoms cloaked in mist, and the effect was amplified by the hypnotic moonlight.

The sorcerer wore long black pants of exquisite make, his shirt was blood red with black tendrils woven into and the cloak he wore was midnight blue interlaced with gold filigree to cleverly form the shape of a rose, it swayed gently in the breeze as he continued walking. His face was lean and angular; his eyes were pitch black and in his irises bloomed a black rose. His right hand held a black sword with a rose on the hilt, its scabbard was nowhere in sight, on the blade was carved the words “to forgive”. His left hand held a rose.

Finally he came to a place where the path ended. A cave was in sight, he walked in. “Stop” hissed a voice, the voice was not pleasant, it had the fell of two stones grating against each other. “Black oracle” the sorcerer said formally. “Get up boy” came the voice again,” I don’t want you or your sister giving me your formalities, you are both my children.” “They are born mother” the man said.” Even a fool could see that the oracle declared, look at the bloody moon”. They both looked at the moon, to mortal eyes it looked normal, but to the eyes of those two it looked blood red, you should just seek them out and kill them both” , “No mother he said they are our salvation”. The oracle sneered and let the challenge drop, she let out a loose long sigh again. “Well you young people do what you want to do”, she said in a mocking tone.

“The sorcerer got up, with you leave mother, he said. “Go on then be off with you the oracle intoned”. He walked into the night. “On his way down he made a figure coming out from the mist, it was a beautiful woman in shinning golden armor, her hair a cascade of blonde curls.”Nemesis” he said. Nodding his head in her direction she walked off. Leaving the smell of rose petals floating in the mist.

hopefully not too bad
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princeoforion
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PostSubject: Re: The Rose of Forgiveness   Tue Apr 20, 2010 10:47 am

CHAPTER 1
THE ASSASSIN
15 years later

Mike moved through the streets of Los Alhos, the largest port town in Althamazar. Today was the day he would prove himself as an assassin. Every assassin had to one day conduct an assassination without his master’s help and earn himself a title. No assassin used his true name he was only given his name after his first unaided assassination, then he would mature from apprentice into a newcomer. The assassin community was a very closely knit one. They spent half their time chasing after the same targets and trying to intercept each other. No assassin killed another one it was their code, another law of their code was that they would never reveal their clients name even under threat of death. But that did not concern Mike now. What he cared about was finishing his target. His master the master assassin snake’s tongue was highly respected in the assassin community. They would be watching the performance of his apprentice and he wanted to give them no opportunity to insult his master. He imagined his masters face if he failed. That thought itself was enough to motivate him to move with twice his current. His entire face was covered with a shadow grey cloth. Of the same material that made the rest of his cloak. The cloak was itself held in place by a bronze brooch with spear on it the crest of an assassin.

His target was one of the trading lords of Los Alhos. A wealthy client probably another trader had ordered it and had paid a good price for it. Snake’s tongue had said he was old enough for his first assassination. He sped through the city streets and entered an abandoned building, one used by assassins so frequently its name itself was made the assassin building. He reached the roof, the number traders killed by assassins from this roof was itself in two digits. No trader in his right mind would come near here. So assassins had stopped using the building. This is the reason he had chosen it. The idiot trader was going to another section of town. All along the was he would encounter busy roads and then he would have the option of choosing this lane and cutting his traveling time by half or traveling through more busy sweaty crowded roads. The choice was obvious. The fool would pay for his impatience. He smiled. His face was handsome, blond hair fell to his shoulder. He was what the girls would consider good looking.
Drawing a spear out of his cloak, he covered his face again. Then he waited.

He heard the rumble of the approaching palanquin. He smiled, he would bring death. Holding his spear in the ready, he waited. The palanquin guards came first. He scanned them for an actual threat. They were cheap under trained mercenaries. Such a wealthy man but still not able to hire professionals, he sneered what a waste of money.

A purple curtained palanquin came into the background with a motion that suggested he had made the same action and hundred times he let the spear leave his hand, it flew swift and deadly.

He frowned, he was expecting blood and yells, but there were none. He cursed the head palanquin was a decoy. The one containing the real target was probably behind with the other guards. He cursed and leapt from the roof to the next moving in the direction he knew in which his target actually was. He came across another palanquin of the same make in the procession. This one was surrounded by much more professional looking guards. Then the arrows started.

Assassins moved much quicker than a normal human what was a normal speed to Mike was lightning to the guards and they had reacted only now. Mike easily dodged all the arrows moving to one side and then the next quicker than the eye could see bending like a reed in a storm. He rushed forward, drawing another spear from his cloak he threw it at the palanquin. This time he struck because he heard the howls of pain from his victim as the spear hit him. The spear was poison tipped and he was sure the way he had thrown it, it had hit at least 3 vital points his job was done.

He continued running, jumping from roof to roof. Suddenly he saw town guards running on the roof in front of him, he cursed Assassins were not meant for close combat. Drawing a dagger out of his belt he hurled it at the town guards. It caught one on the face and his helmet caved in.

Then arrows pierced his back, he cursed he should have thought they would send a second wave. He would now have to use the second speed. Ii was a technique taught to him by his master. It put every muscle in the body under stress and strain but allowed the user to move at supernatural speeds for a minute.

The town guards rushed towards the Assassin. They would capture him and hang him, interrogating Assassins was useless, he had taken down one of their number but he was hurt. They were almost on him, and then suddenly he disappeared in a blur.

A minute later five miles outside the city walls Mike collapsed in front of a fire, he smiled, he had succeeded.
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PostSubject: Re: The Rose of Forgiveness   Tue Apr 20, 2010 10:48 am

CHAPTER 2
THE PRINCE OF NEGOTIATIONS

Akkhan sat on the round table. The room was beautifully decorated with hanging tapestries showing Dragons and other creatures of myth along with wars fought by men in ages gone by. The floor was lined with exquisite carpets which served no apparent purpose because the city of Los Alhos was blistering hot in summer, the carpets were probably there as the family’s show of wealth. Being fifteen years old Akkhan was still an important figure in the trading city of Los Alhos. He was hired by the Guki family to deal with their negotiations. He was the best negotiator in the city. He was an amazing negotiator winging the desired phrase from the other negotiator’s mouth, pushing and cajoling them to stamp their seal on the document.

He was perfectly suited to this task. He was not overtly tall and intimidating nor was his manner rough and rash. He was polished and refined which led people to give him the title “The prince of negotiations”. He was extremely good looking with brown hair clipped short. He was devilishly handsome and a great success with the ladies. The Guki family paid thousands of Calofs a year to carry out their negotiations. He had never failed once. In short he had a life of contentment that most people could only dream about. He was highly respected in various circles though a fair portion resented dealing with a youngling like him but after talking with him once many were converted to liking him. This however made him a target for many attempts of assassination. This however stopped once he had caught five assassins consecutively on one day. He had told the family that they should provide him protection or he would leave. The family obviously driven by the fear of loosing their best negotiator issued an ultimatum that any attack against Akkhan would be considered an attack against the family. The assassinations stopped after that, the stories of the Guki torture chambers were legendary.

Right now he was negotiating with the Medici family on the agreement to transport Ale that the Guki family had traded with the southern tribes. This was an important deal and would bring great money to both the sides. The man at the opposing end of the round table listened to every word with rapt attention occasionally nodding his head. “Thus we would then sell the ale to the Heathens at Cairon. They have probably never tasted good drink ever in their lives at the cheap rate at which we sell it they will lap it up.” The negotiator from the Medici family said that they were still selling the ale for two high a price.

Akkhan sighed with frustration; he had been trying to get to the point into the thick skull of the man opposite him for the better part of the morning. He was irritated by the heat and the fact that the rugs were only increasing it. Suddenly led by an impulse he got up and threw the chalice from which he was drinking at the other negotiator. It hit him squarely on the head and he fell down. Immediately swords were drawn from both sides of the table. The negotiator got up, there was a bruise the size of a plum on his forehead.

Surprisingly he did not seem angry. Instead he asked his aides for an inkpot. Dipping the Medici family seal into the inkpot he stamped the document. Akkhan did likewise.

Sighs of relief broke out throughout the room as swords were seethed. Everyone sat down as once again Akkhan went through all the points of the agreement and stating what it meant for the Families. There was much cheering after he was finished along with banging of tables. Servants came carrying more wine. As Akkhan left the room there was applause for him as his other companions formed a tight protective circle around him as he walked off however no one notice that his eyes glowed with a rather hypnotic light…
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PostSubject: Re: The Rose of Forgiveness   Tue Apr 20, 2010 10:49 am

CHAPTER 3
THE BACKLASH OF ASSASSIN

Snake’s tongue walked around the room, his face was lined with worry. His young apprentice had failed his first mission. Mike was competent he had killed his target but however he had clearly shown his face while running, he had also used the secret technique which he had been taught risking duplication. Secret techniques were treasured among assassins like heirlooms passes on from master to apprentice and then the apprentice would eventually develop his how own secret technique and pass on to an apprentice when the assassin council deemed him worthy to have one. Thus the older the chain of master and apprentice, more the number of secret techniques in the apprentice’s arsenal. Snake’s tongue had five techniques in his arsenal, one of the oldest. Most assassins died before they were allowed to pass on their secret technique. What irony, he mused. To top it all off the assassin council allowed every assassin to have only one apprentice. The assassin council consisted of respected assassins who were beyond their prime years; they were elected by the assassins in their annual meet. The assassin council’s decisions were law and were considered sacred any assassin who broke the council’s ruling was killed and hunted by all assassins. It always consisted of five members. When one died another was elected and the cycle went on.

But that was not the object of his concern right now, the object of his concern was a bundle of cloth sleeping unconcernedly below on the floor. Mike had not even noticed when he had carried him off while he was sleeping. He smiled grimly, that technique always has its side effects. His soft snoring mixed with the crackling of the fire creating an almost hypnotic tune with the chirping of the cicadas outside to greet the night. Snake’s tongue was an old man; you couldn’t make out his face because he wore fur all around him. Over his head it formed the mouth of a snake, he fingered it for a moment, and it had not come cheap. But despite all this you could make out he was on old man.

Well now we can expect a backlash from the merchants of Los Alhos. They would hire mercenaries. He scowled mercenaries were a cut lower than assassins in fact several cuts lower. Assassin were bringers of divine justice, the spirits of vengeance, if a person did wrong he would go to hell. People forgot that these days. Well they would have to run for a bit, he and his apprentice.

He woke up Mike with a stout kick, he jumped up cursing, and rolling aside to avoid the next one, instinctively jumping back on his hands he put as much distance between himself and Snake’s tongue, all in his sleep uttering a long string of curses. Snake’s tongue smiled, he had taught the boy well. On seeing his master his face went deathly pale but Snake’s tongue only patted his back and said. “All is forgiven boy, just don’t repeat it.” Mike heaved a sigh of relief. “Ok boy now because of you little adventure we’ll have to disappear for sometime. Get you things ready.” Mike hurried and started packing.

Within an hour they were both ready to leave, saddling their horses, they gave the house they were leaving one last look as they left. Then they rode into the night.

They rode endlessly without a stop their horses sprinting effortlessly along the moonlight land. As they came over a small hillock, Black figures emerged from the night. Snake’s tongue cursed they knew somehow that they were fleeing to the obscure southern cities. His apprentice crouched hesitantly, he was too weak to use the technique to escape again and he himself could not carry both of them. He would not abandon his apprentice, determination mirrored in his eyes. In one motion they both they both drew their spears ready to confront the attackers.
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PostSubject: Re: The Rose of Forgiveness   Tue Apr 20, 2010 10:49 am

CHAPTER 4
THOSE GLOWING EYES

Akkhan walked down the streets of Los Alhos, smiling, the family had paid him well for his excellent negotiation, only fifteen and he was already so powerful, he sighed with pleasure, the future held great delights. As he walked over the ports the sun glittered along the surface of the water casting beautiful hues in all directions, running his hands through his hair he exchanged greetings in all directions, he knew everyone from the meanest deckhand and unloader to the ship captains and prosperous merchants and all in the middle. Most respected him, others feared him some hated him but had sense enough to hide it. His cloak luxuriously swayed in the mist, every part of him radiated wealth and finery. He wore it with a confidence that rivaled a trade prince. His life was perfect, everything was going right.

As he walked through the docks an unfamiliar sight caught his eyes. A man dresses elaborately in blue robes decorated with yellow stars. On his back a mask was embroidered into the cloth half the mask was black with white eyeholes and the other half was white with black eyeholes, the symbol of the magicians’ guild of Althamazar. The military service of Althamazar was divided into three divisions the first was the regular soldier service which consisted of normal soldiers who consisted of regular infantry, archers, cavalrymen and officers, the second was the alchemist’s which consisted of those learned men who designed and developed new weapons and siege engines, the third was the magicians guild which used arcane methods to achieve the military’s purpose. The third was the last and most feared of the three. They were constantly embroiled in warfare with the opposing nation of Drakhan and Zangese and their magician guilds. They were feared and respected.

A magician would make a fine influential friend thought Akkhan, the magician in question was comparatively young, yet his hair was grey spiked and shinning against the sun. Akkhan came near him and proffered his right hand to shake “Hello sir magician you seem new to Los Alhos, can I show you around the city for a bit and maybe even take you to some lunch if you want.” Akkhan cursed, that had not come out the way he had wanted it to, and it was far to appealing and stupid and generally pleading. That was not the air he wanted to project. The magician turned to give a sharp reprimand to the speaker but on catching sight Akkhan’s eyes he fell silent. “I wouldn’t mind a spot of lunch myself he said.” Come on boy you lead the way.

Akkhan set off in an eager trot eager to please the magician, and then he caught hold of his senses. This was the effect he generally had on others not the other way around, then suddenly he felt a sickening lurch in is stomach when he realized what was being done to him. Pulling himself he turned to face the magician his eyes meeting his. Then the magician smiled as Akkhan tried to impose his will on him. Then the magician used his own eyes, Akkhan stumbled backward with the full force of the hypnotic blow. Taking his full strength to task once again he set his eyes on the magician,, the hypnotic duel continuing, each time the magician hypnosis surpassing Akkhan’s own. Red hot fury built inside Akkhan his eyes bore deep into the magicians.

To the observers it looked as if the negotiator and the magician had a staring match. Then suddenly the magician stumbled back as if pushed. Turning toward Akkhan he made a hand gesture and Akkhan collapsed. Collecting Akkhan’s figure the magician went back to his ship. Within a few hours the ship had sailed. Everyone talked about it at the docks until it became common tavern tale and that was the last Akkhan saw of Los Alhos until he came back to it three years later. But that will come later…

well hope you liked it
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PostSubject: Re: The Rose of Forgiveness   Thu May 06, 2010 8:43 pm

Oooo!! I never knew you posted this here too!! I thought you just did it on IF! Oh well, glad you posted it here, not much on IF anymore. Ok anyway to you story!! I liked it very much, couldnt find spelling mistakes, unless..I missed something. Interesting chapter title too. Razz And you can wait for people to C&C too. I saw you posted this all on one day. Razz Well keep updating..
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PostSubject: Re: The Rose of Forgiveness   Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:27 am

CHAPTER 5
THE DEATH OF AN ASSASSIN

The two assassins slowly dismounted. Snake’s tongue hefted his spear, Mike did likewise. They looked upon the figures approaching from the small hillock. Together they charged. Mike was rendered ineffective by use of the second speed. He used his spear just enough to avoid blows from the mercenaries who had come to kill them. He could barely keep up as he fought with the nightmare figures in the dark. Snake’s tongue however had no such restrictions; he fought like a devil even though he was an assassin. Most assassins were rendered ineffective at close range because they trained mostly on long range combat; however snake’s tongue had told Mike that the secret behind his success in assassinations was mostly due to the fact that he knew close range combat better than any other assassin. The mercenaries were probably regretting taking up this line of work now thought Mike as he dodged a blade from a mercenary.

Suddenly thunder burst into the night and Mike felt himself being lifted off his feet. On top of the hillock stood a man in ornate robes. Mike cursed “a rogue magician” he muttered. Most magicians were joined to the magician’s guild or its various branches however there were those magicians who did not belong to any guild due to various reasons they either hid quietly or made themselves mercenaries. They were rogue magicians. There was no reason that a magician would be after them unless he was paid to kill them. Then he saw the sight on the hill. Snake’s tongue had killed all the mercenaries and was now facing the magician. The magician had the geographical advantage since he was standing on the higher side of the slope. Thunder flashed from his hands as he tried to hit Snake’s tongue but the old assassin was too quick dodging one way then the other he threw spears at the magicians which were easily deflected by thunder. Energy crackled around the magician as he tried to hit the assassin in vain. Mike could see that Snake’s tongue was tiring the man was old and the bolts of thunder were very quick. All the equipment required by him for his secret attacks was at the hideout they were fleeing to.

The only ability Snake’s tongue had was the second speed. The magician tired with the lightning called down flames which flowed from his hand and lit up the grass underfoot forming a protective ring around himself. Then forming the fire into shapes he threw fireballs at the assassin. Snake’s tongue easily dodged the fireballs but they lit up the grass underfoot, cutting him off from Mike and drawing him closer to the magician.
Suddenly desperation was mirrored in the eyes of the old assassin as he leapt above the flames protecting the magician and brought up a dagger to stab him. They both rolled over the hillock struggling. Suddenly a bolt of lightning fell from the sky heading towards the two figures at that very moment the old assassin pushed the magician down and placed himself on top of him to stab him. The lightning hit Snake’s tongue on the back with a crackling sound. Snake’s tongue’s fur armor protected him well from the blast still he roared out in agony. The magician placed him palm on the chest of the now limp form over him. Blue light shot out from his palm and pushed the assassins limp form away from him. He dusted his hands and turned to face Mike. Mike was paralyzed in disbelief his master had been killed, KILLED….. By a rogue magician, he reached deep inside himself to find anger which was always inside him ready to give him new strength when he needed it but all he found was suffering and a deep sadness. Then he cried…..
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PostSubject: Re: The Rose of Forgiveness   Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:27 am

CHAPTER 6
ABDUCTION

Akkhan woke up with a jerk. A ships interior met his eyes. For a moment he was lost then his memories came flooding into his mind like water which has just broken through a damn that has held its flow for a long time. What memories came made his stomach turn. He was hypnotized … HYPNOTIZED. He thought he was the only one with the ability. At least he had never encountered anyone one who had the same abilities. He ran his hands through his hair, it was stupid to assume that he was the only one with such ability, he cursed himself; he would never make that mistake again. He examined the room around him, it was bare, empty and there was nothing except the broken wooden walls. He was alone. Then he noticed that for some reason he was sleeping on the floor and hadn’t been aware of the fact until now. He tried to move; he couldn’t the thought escaped from his mind just as it came, moves… why move... to escape… from what... the magician. THE MAGICIAN: the man who had hypnotized and abducted him. The Medici family was influential but he doubted they would risk a confrontation with the Magicians guild. Unless this was a rogue magician but no he wore the robes of a Thunder Mage.

Again he tried to move, again it was ineffective. He tried again, he screamed. From a trade prince to a hostage in just a day… how many days had it been? He screamed in rage with pain and hatred. Energy streamed from his body. To anyone observing him, the room would have seemed dim, but the moment Akkhan screamed his eyes emitted a beam of light which streamed forward like a beacon and lit up the room. Suddenly Akkhan found he could move. Energy swept through him in an exhilarating rush that made him feel like he was burning from the inside. Without thinking he walked to the door of the room. He pointed at the door, which crumpled like a piece of cloth. He pushed it aside. He walked through to find himself in what he assessed to be the bottom of the ship. From a lifetime in trade he could already make out that this was a fast ship, a real racer. Still the energy streamed through him filling his with the burning sensation. He heard the sound of armored boots rushing down steps. Without thinking he rushed to the source of the noise, as he rushed down corridors he came to a flight of steps. As he rushed up he was confronted with a group of armored men holding swords and spears. He pointed his fingers towards them. They flew like they had been hit with a battering ram. Still the power filled him… so sweet… so terrible. A part of his consciousness was shocked by what he had done, it reasoned as to why there were soldiers after him and why the door had crumpled the way it had. But his present state was too powerful and proud to face this now, like a completely different person. Forlorn that part of his consciousness only stared as the other part took over.

Akkhan walked up the flight of steps and watched as more men rushed towards him, he frowned with annoyance and with a flick of his wrist sent them flying. They were insects beneath his concern. He did not notice as with small motions of his finger a dozen men crumpled to the floor clutching their throats. Right now he was searching for the magician, the wretched being who had done this to him, he wanted revenge. The need for revenge drove him mad; more power rushed through him, filling him with more pain, such a bittersweet taste…

The sea water rushed across his face filling his nostrils with the salty smell he so loved. Still he hungered for revenge. More power rushed through him. He screamed it was such twisted pleasure he wanted to scream he wanted to drink his own blood to suck his own marrow, to tear, to die.

Then he felt the power building he knew he couldn’t control it. The power burst through him and he screamed.

Sailors would later tell tales about the mad apprentice who broke out of his chamber and suddenly caught fire. But these crews were used to working for magicians and took it in their stride. The mad apprentice was quickly doused in water until the flames died and his limp form was brought to the presiding wizard of the ship.
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PostSubject: Re: The Rose of Forgiveness   Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:28 am

CHAPTER 7
CONFRONTATIONS
Mike awoke with a start. Pain shot through his skull. He felt as though twenty blacksmiths were using his head for an anvil. He groaned. Waking up he tried to focus his eyes but the images streaming through were blurry. A faint buzzing filled his years as if there was a fly constantly flying next to them. Vaguely he felt as though he should be sad. He wondered why…

Then it hit him. Master, the faint cry broke through his lips. Then the pain hit him. He shuddered as waves of sorrow washed upon him; his lean frame shook with the sobs that consequently passed. The pain was agonizing. There was nobody for him now. He couldn’t continue being an assassin, he wasn’t skilled enough. The assassins’ council wouldn’t help him. Though they regulated the assassin communities dealings with others they believed in fair play and therefore he now realized with horror, there would soon be scores of older more experienced assassins’ searching for him to extract Snakes tongues’ techniques from him. He shuddered with the thought. He suddenly realized he was still lying on his back, as he got up he noticed scores of bodies lying around from the previous nights struggle. Then puzzlement filled him, hadn’t the magician found them? Snakes tongues death had left him helpless. Yet he did not see his master’s body nor could he find signs of the magician anywhere. This was all very strange…

Anger followed next, the magician had taken everything away, the only person he cared about was gone and his life was in jeopardy. Then his instinct kicked in, as a child he had grown up in the city of Amberlene. It was a metropolis of thieves, assassins, drunkards, looters, pillagers, mercenaries and warlords. The Althazarian Empire put up with the city because it generated a huge amount of revenue the greedy officials took the gold and turned a blind eye to the law abiding citizen’s plight. As a child growing on the streets there he had learned to fend for himself. It wasn’t as though he did not have parents but they were always in and out of ale houses using the money they spent in their youth to fuel their addiction. They never beat him or mistreated him, but were kind if negligent. This way he spent most of the days of his childhood roaming untended through the roads of the city. He learned to look after himself. The roads were a harsh place filled with murderers and cutthroats and he had quickly learned to survive. Coming back only at night to his parents small house to receive a few coins for the next week, some nights he did not return at all. His parents didn’t mind. As he grew older he spent his later childhood running mysterious errands for the men who lived by breaking the law and getting paid handsomely for it too. This sort of life along with his time as an assassin had honed his survival instinct to a cutting edge and grief and pain were left behind as the instinct overtook him.

He did not know how quickly word of his master’s death would spread but he knew it wouldn’t be more than a week. He considered his options. He could flee to the southern cities as he had originally planned along with his master, but there were bound to be assassins there. There spread over almost the whole country. He could try to escape the country of course but Althazar was at war with all the other independent counties who surrounded it by land he could of course take find work on a ship and sail south to the remote southern isles. But there were no cities and numerous tribes waged wars against each other for dominance using powerful summoning magic in dense forests. He shook his head; he would never leave the cities. He felt alone and out of place with the wilderness. He could beg the government for help but officials on learning he was an assassin would immediately have him executed; besides if he wasn’t murdered then he would be asked to divulge secrets which was a despicable act he could not seek to. Suddenly an idea struck him, like Aphrodite it came out fully formed and burning. He would join the army!

The assassin order avoided clashes with the government and there was a fair chance that they would leave him alone if he joined. Also the army would provide a measure of secrecy, he would change his name and join unnoticed, nobody would be any the wiser. Joining was no issue either. Fighting wars on all sides since its inception about fifty years back as a coalition of city states the empire always needed new soldiers and recruits were welcome. Smiling at his own ingenuity. He removed his assassins’ crest and put it away. He foraged a few weapons from the dead bodies around him and began his long march to the nearest town
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PostSubject: Re: The Rose of Forgiveness   Fri Dec 17, 2010 7:00 pm

Prolouge:

Good descriptions. I like how you don't name the sorcerer. Adds a dramatic effect. Like your the convo towards the end. But it would be easier to read if you separated the different character's lines like so:

Quote :
Finally he came to a place where the path ended. A cave was in sight, he walked in.
“Stop” hissed a voice, the voice was not pleasant, it had the fell of two stones grating against each other.
“Black oracle” the sorcerer said formally.
“Get up boy” came the voice again,” I don’t want you or your sister giving me your formalities, you are both my children.”
“They are born mother” the man said.” Even a fool could see that the oracle declared, look at the bloody moon”. They both looked at the moon, to mortal eyes it looked normal, but to the eyes of those two it looked blood red, you should just seek them out and kill them both” ,
“No mother he said they are our salvation”.
The oracle sneered and let the challenge drop, she let out a loose long sigh again. “Well you young people do what you want to do”, she said in a mocking tone.
Oh, also, your chapters are a bit short. Try to make them somewhat longer.

Chapter 1:
Your descriptions are still fairly good but you seem to forget about them for a bit. The fighting scene is good. Alought you could have made it longer and more intresting I belive. And the chapter could have been longer. But still, I like it.

Chapter 2:
The beggining is a bit weak. And somewhat confusing. Also there was one annoying sentence that I noticed in particular.
Quote :
He was the best negotiator in the city. He was an amazing negotiator
Try not to use the same word two times so close to one another. It kills the flow. This also go for the next paragraph where you start three sentences after each other with "He was".
I thought it a bit weird that the one you described as the best negotiator suddenly threw something at his opponent. If you could explain this emotional outburst in more detail and maybe use more time to lead up too it it would improve the chapter I belive.
The chapter could have been longer.
Other than that, I liked it. Keep it up.

Chapter 3:

Like the first paragraph. Set me back into the story in a way.
The rest is a bit rushed I think. One moment his kicking Mike and the next they're riding away, and suddenly they're attacked. If you could describe and lead us up to this it would improve the chapter.

Chapter 4:
As usual your descriptions are good. I especialy like how you decribe Akkhan's wealth. The rest of the chapter is good. I like it. The bit at the end with the duel and then the sailing of was a bit rushed though. Could have been longer as usual.

Chapter 5:
A bit rushed I think. Other then that, good.

Chapter 6:
A bit of an overuse of the word ability in the first paragraph. The description of Akkhan's new powers is very good. I enjoyed reading it.

Chapter 7:
This chapter was quit good. A nice lenght for the action that happened in it. Good job here.

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The Rose of Forgiveness

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