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 My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D

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VampireGiRL
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PostSubject: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Thu Apr 08, 2010 4:05 pm

Poem
I wish you were here tonight with me
From the first time I saw you
I felt the importance of life
When I looked in your eyes
I saw the heaven inside


Oh, my Love I miss you
In a world of darkness and of light
Every second is like a minute
In a World of day and of night
Every minute is like a day
And you are so far away
Oh, my Love I miss you


I feel like a fallen angel
Without you I am nothing
When I see you only I feel
The joy of living

I wish you were here
Nothing seems the same
Cause my life is you
I die for you
And for another time
I wish I was with you
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Artrain
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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Thu Apr 08, 2010 4:12 pm

Beautiful. There are some poems that you just can't help but admire for their appeal. This was one such. The feeling is always critical in these sorts of poems, and your had an ample amount of it. The stanzas were very well written. Rhyming was good. The flow of the poem was good. And the conclusion was also very nice. Very well written. Will definitely like to read more from you. Keep writing...

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Thorned Hope
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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Thu Apr 08, 2010 8:11 pm

Are you saying Fallen Angels are bad?!?! Well I am offened. Razz Awesome Vamp. that was beautiful. Keep writing
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Artrain
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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Fri Apr 09, 2010 1:15 am

Fallen Angel wrote:
Are you saying Fallen Angels are bad?!?! Well I am offened. Razz
Course not Razz

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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Fri Apr 09, 2010 9:18 am

Nice one Vamp. Well-written and I liked how the ryhming of the words seemed like force. Keep writing Vamp. cheers
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VampireGiRL
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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Fri Apr 09, 2010 12:29 pm

Thank you so much! I have written many poems..I will post a new one maybe later!


Last edited by VampireGiRL on Fri Apr 09, 2010 7:04 pm; edited 2 times in total
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VampireGiRL
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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Fri Apr 09, 2010 2:57 pm

Poem
the time as the shadow glides
its now or never the time to decide
if you want me by your side
As long as there is still life

you are everything for me
and you will be forever
stay with me and just remember
what we have shared all this time together

now I am bleeding
give me a lie
only for one time
to help me to survive
and feel again alive

no time has left for you to hide
tell me because this time I am dying
don't let me go and say to you goodbye
do something before we both die[i]




Please let me know what do you think for it ;)
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Matt
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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Fri Apr 09, 2010 6:29 pm

to help me to survive

I think it would be better in "to help me survive"...Other then that, it was great! Very emotional just like CC's poems.

Some spots where the rhyming could have been better but don't listen to me! I'm a writer! Not a poet! :D



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Feral
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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Fri Apr 09, 2010 7:33 pm

im big on having rhythm, and so that is the first thing I look for. to me its kinda hitched here and there, this line being on of them;

In a world of darkness and of light I would've said it without the 'of', to me it flows better. both have the same subject, and they are both nicely written, you have great rhyming, and they are emotional. the only thing that tweaks me is the short lines, I absolutely hate when I see them. Keep in mind I write lengthy, doomed poetry, and I usually always bypass this stuff. so, bye, and I hope you update soon.
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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Fri Apr 09, 2010 10:12 pm

Matt wrote:
to help me to survive

I think it would be better in "to help me survive"...Other then that, it was great! Very emotional just like CC's poems.

Some spots where the rhyming could have been better but don't listen to me! I'm a writer! Not a poet! :D



Matt
HEY!!! Not funny Matt.

That was very good Vamp! cheers Good rhythm and rhyme.
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Artrain
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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Sat Apr 10, 2010 6:13 am

Aah, another good composition. Like in the first one, you seem to get the feeling out very naturally, which is always very important. The way the sentences were composed was also very good. Rhyming was nicely done. Rhythm was a bit off, but no problem. My suggestion for you is to use punctuation marks lie commas and full stops and semi-colons in your poems wherever you feel necessary . They'll help you to state where there is a pause in the flow, and will help in improving the rhythm...

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VampireGiRL
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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Sat Apr 10, 2010 8:10 am

Feral..you are right..it flows better without the ''of''.......
I will try to use punctuation marks next time ! thanks for your posts !!
I will update soon!
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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Tue Apr 13, 2010 3:33 pm

I mostly write in greek or in french but I like also write in english but it's a bit difficult
because I don't know very well this language so if you have a suggestion to rewrite a line or a word feel free to tell me!
Also I want you to know that I appreciate every post you make!



Poem
I thought everything was fine
until I learned that was a lie.
please give me a reason to survive
the sun has stopped for me to shine.

I am not going to lie
maybe it was my fault
but this life is so short.
there's no more hope
but this is love

This silence is killing me
and I am still standing.
Why is this happening
I see you everywhere around me

one moment I have you, the next I don't
the same nightmare everyday
I can't stand it anymore
you are so far away for so so long.
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Captain Tezuka
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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Tue Apr 13, 2010 3:39 pm

Good job, Vamp, very good. sounds very proffesional, with how everything fits in. Please try not to post twice in a row, thanks. I like it, I haven't written a poem in ages. I just write songs.
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VampireGiRL
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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Tue Apr 13, 2010 3:55 pm

Thank you so much!..I will try not to post twice again but I thought that because I am the ''Author'' there is no problem...and also to wait until someone post here so as to post my new poem..was a waste of time..
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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Tue Apr 13, 2010 4:02 pm

VampireGiRL wrote:
Thank you so much!..I will try not to post twice again but I thought that because I am the ''Author'' there is no problem...and also to wait until someone post here so as to post my new poem..was a waste of time..

Your welcome, and no problem, it's not like a huge offence Razz I think I'll post some free style poetry.
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Artrain
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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Wed Apr 14, 2010 1:11 am

Interestingly composed. Again its hard to believe that your English is not good. I cannot find any mistake. I like the scene you've created. Only suggestion that I'd like to make that the last stanza feels a bit incomplete. In my opinion one more line ought to do the job.

And TB, it is allowed to double/triple/quadruple/etc. etc. post in the poetry section because sometimes people just don't comment at all, and the poet has to continue with his updates. If you looked on the IF threads, there are entire pages worth of poems posted one after another without a single comment from anyone. Thankfully it shall not be the case here...

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VampireGiRL
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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Wed Apr 14, 2010 9:58 am

Thanks Artrain! and when you say one more line you mean at the beginning or at the end?
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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Wed Apr 14, 2010 11:01 am

I mean at the end. I think it will add to the climax. But its just a suggestion Vamp, you don't have to take it unless you think it appropriate...

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VampireGiRL
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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Wed Apr 14, 2010 11:10 am

hmm..I am not sure,I will think about it..and I will wait for another opinion Razz
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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Wed Apr 14, 2010 12:15 pm

I agree with artrain Campy Laughing
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VampireGiRL
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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Mon Apr 26, 2010 5:12 pm

I decided to rewrite my previous poem....so please let me know what do you think for it...

Poem
I thought everything was fine
until I learned that was a lie.
please give me a reason to survive
the sun has stopped for me to shine.

I need you in my life
don't ask me why
I will tell you only
that your smile makes me fly
like a bird in the blue sky

I am not going to lie
maybe it was my fault
but this life is so short.
there's no more hope
but this is love

This silence is killing me
and I am still standing.
Why is this happening
I see you everywhere around me

one moment I have you, the next I don't
the same nightmare everyday
I can't stand it anymore
you are so far away for so so long.

please stay with me
you are everything for me
I will be anything you need
you are the only one I want to see
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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Tue Apr 27, 2010 7:40 am

Wow you changed a lot of it. It seems like a different poem now. You added a totally new stanza and also some lines in other parts it seems. The ending is better now. The feeling is also better. On the whole, this one feels like a more complete poem.

One general question thats not related to this poem, why don't you give titles to your poems? They can be quite useful to for the reader to prepare his mindset for what he is about to read, and in poems that are allegorical, they can often be the key. Though I completely understand that giving a small title would be quite impossible in some cases...

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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Thu Apr 29, 2010 9:04 am

I liked it... the prose flowed and the subject was put across well... all you need in poetry really. Smile
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VampireGiRL
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PostSubject: Re: My poem! Commment pleeaaase!!!! =D   Tue Jul 13, 2010 10:16 am

My new poem! I hope you like it!


Without you

I used to dream everyday
But everything I had
Now has gone away
Your smile still makes me sad
And the only thing I ask
Is A place to rest my heart


If I could see you just for one time
This darkness would turn to light
Everything would be alright
I would be again alive

I have tried so many times
To let go of you
But my world is empty without you
Strange voices scare me now in the dark
Please come back
My shadow is black so does my heart


The time suddenly froze in my mind
And I still waiting for a change
I feel the world turning around
I am miles from where you are now


Last edited by VampireGiRL on Tue Jul 13, 2010 10:37 am; edited 1 time in total
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