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 My IC book 4

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Lone Wolf
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PostSubject: My IC book 4   Wed Mar 10, 2010 6:33 am

Chapter One
Urubaen and Belatona.

As the black city of Urubaen loomed into sight, Thorn, tired from the flight from Gilead, flew on knowing that they were going to be reprimanded for holding back from killing the old Rider and his gold Dragon. Thorn sighed as he looked at the barren waste land that surrounded Galbatorix's Castle, he knew that place well, it was the only home that he knew, it was where Murtagh had been tortured to the point of death last time they had disobeyed Galbatorix's orders only to be healed the moment Galbatorix had need of them.

They flew on knowing what awaited them at the black city getting faster and faster. They passed over the city walls and through the city silently gliding on unseen wings. The citidal was growing nearer and nearer until they set down on a ledge protruding from one of the balconies and proceeded inside, down long dark hallways towards the throne room of Galbatorix.

As they neared the throne room Thorn spoke with his partner-of-heart-and-mind Murtagh, " Little one you know as well as I do that we will be punished for not following orders.and that you are likely going to have to swear more oaths in the ancient language so that we will not be able to have so much freedom. "

"Yes." Said Murtagh with a scowl on his face. He hated even remembering the last time this had happened.

"Good we shall show this traitorous King that we Do not fear him or his black Dragon" Said Thorn as they entered the kings throne room.

The room inside was massive, four Dragons double the size of Glaedr could fit in here with ease, along the side were thirteen statues, each of these were created in the likeness of one of the forsworn, at the entrance stood twelve guards, these were the kings elite each had at least half the speed and agility of an elf and were dressed in full platemail with a red emblem of a black striking dragon painted on their sheilds, and each had a dragon riders sword on their hip. At the back on a red and black throne sat the mad tyrant himself, with Shruikan lounging to the right of him.

Murtagh ignored all this and proceeded to Galbatorix who looked down on him with an expression somewhat close to hate yet in between jealousy and anger and said " You have failed me yet again Shurtagal Abr Zarroc, yet you are needed for another expidition out so you have escaped some of what I had planned but I shall please myself with some torture now anyway " and with that he reached inside Thorns mind and caused him nerve wracking pain as he compressed thorns mind untill thorn almost passed out with the pressure, then going through the same process with murtagh as Murtagh screamed in pain and Shruikan roared "Enough they need to be able to function to do whatever this task is Galbatorix. "

" Fine Shruikan you will get the same treatment for stopping me from punnishing these traitors." Galbatorix said as Murtagh slumped to the floor and Thorn swayed where he stood. And said to Murtagh " Get up you son of Morzan and come with me. " And with that Galbatorix strode out of his throne room. Thorn poured some energy from himself into Murtaghs body and said "Get up on my back and we will follow that black tyrant." and then followed Shruikan to where Galbatorix had gone.

They came to one of Galbatorix's treasure rooms, this room had shelved stone walls with thirty Eldunari stacked on these shelves and a green dragon egg on the pedstal in the middle of the room. They got there and Galbatorix was busy removing the wards around the egg while Shruikan let the Dragon and his Rider stand waiting without telling Galbatorix that they had arrived.

"Little one do you think that we have to go to Dras-Leona to try and make the egg hatch for one of the two legs there?" Thorn asked Murtagh who replied "We probably have to do something of the sort for this stupid black-hearted wretch before us."

Then Galbatorix turned holding the emerald egg and said to them both, "you have one more task before I consider you worthless and have you executed for disobeying me yet again. I want you two to take this to belatona and have everyone there touch this egg and then I want you take it to Dras-Leona and have you do the same, however if it hatches I want you to bring the new Rider and Dragon back here for training. This is your task for now and I will give you all the Eldunarya in this room to help you stop Eragon from taking it." Then he went to Thorn and healed his tail from where Glaedr had bitten it off. "now BEGONE from my sight!" exclaimed Galbatorix.

Thorn and his Rider hurried out out of Urubaen and set out for Belatona.

*******

They were flying over the hills around where Brom's tomb was though they knew it not, the hills all looked the same to Murtagh, but not to Thorn and his sharp red eyes. He saw a hill in the distance that had smoke rising from it, and he pointed it out to Murtagh saying, Look over there little one.

Murtagh looked and saw the smoke and said to Thorn, We need to land Partner-of-my-heart if only to investigate what it is.

Alright but I hope you know what you are doing Murtagh.
Said Thorn.

Don't worry I have a plan.
Said Murtagh.

Thorn landed silently about a mile from where the camp was. Then he started to creep towards the camp with Murtagh until the camp came into view as they crested the hill and looked down upon the camp below.

Murtagh thought to Thorn, There are slaves down there!

Thorn saw and Thought back, Do we get to free them Partner-of-my-mind-and-soul?

Murtagh muttered back "Yes we do."

Good, Thorn Said

Wait here till I give the signal Murtagh thought to Thorn

Then Murtagh crept off leaving Thorn alone with his thoughts. He turned over the events of the last few weeks in his head stopping on that day over Gilead when he had been forced to kill Glaedr. Why? he asked himself as he thought about the magnificent dragon and his ancient rider. They could have helped us, yes they could have, but they had chosen to stay in Ellesmera and hide where the world could not reach them.

Just then Murtagh entered his mind interrupting his thoughts with, NOW!

Thorn Burst from his hiding place and started bashing the slave pen gates open while Murtagh, ran into the tents and got the slave traders to line up outside the camp, one by one they trickled out and lined up looking defeated. Once the traders were all lined up Murtagh spoke to them, there was only about twenty slavers all up, he spoke menacingly "Which one of you is the leader of this sorry ragtag band?"

One lean Trader spoke " I am Rider" He spat.

"Right then I challenge you to a one on one duel, if I win then you all become my prisoners, however, if you win then you can all go free but I and my dragon keep the slaves."

"Your on then Rider" the man said.

Then the trader got the men to draw a six foot square on the ground and then Murtagh took his place in one corner while the trader took his place in the other, Murtagh strode towards him with his sword Zar'roc lazily held in one hand low to the ground, Then the trader charged his short sword raised for a slash to the head, Murtagh lazily brought Zar'roc up to block it, but the the trader at the last moment changed direction and came in low just under Murtagh's sword and cut him on the leg, Murtagh Grimaced and grabbed his little object he had used in his duel with Eragon out of his belt and pressed that to his cut healing it, the shocked trader just stared as he did this and then tried to hit him again, but Murtagh was ready for this one and batted the short sword away as if it wayed no more than a feather and then procceded to strike at him with a cut to the groin, the trader just managed to get his sword up in time to block it and then he saw the ruby blade whistle towards his head and knew no more.

Murtagh watched the head fall to the ground with distaste an then wiped his blade on the traders shirt and sheathed his blade, Without looking at the rest of the traders he went over to the slaves and said to them "You are free go and live your lives in peace."

Thorn asked him "What has brought about this change of heart little one?"

"I am trying to break free of Galbatorix's oaths as you are." Murtagh replied.

Then Murtagh looked at the rest of the traders and asked them "What will you do now?"

One responded with "I would like to go home to my family." Others confirmed this and One even said "No more will I deal in this trade."
"Good then you are free to do what you wish" Murtagh relpied.
They all shouted "Thank you Rider" and started off towards Dras-leona

Murtagh looked at Thorn and said "That went rather well."

"So it did" Thorn said in return.

Murtagh went and vaulted onto Thorns back and again they headed toward Belatona.


*******

Thorn could just see the city lights in the distance and then thought to Murtagh Will your plan work? he asked.

Murtagh thought for a while in silence as the wind tore at his hair, then thought back, I'm not sure if we can pull it off without Eragon's complete cooperation.

Know this then Murtagh, I will standby by whatever you decide to do its entirely up to you. Thorn thought back to Murtagh. They flew on in silence as they got nearer to Belatona. Thorn was thinking about what Murtagh had said and then said to him,

What eats away at our bodies?
What Goes on as if we don't exist?
What can pull down mountains and build them back up again?
What can outlast everything even dragons?

Your answer is what we have for you to think this over Little one.

Murtagh replied with three answers, Elves?, God's?, or nothing?

Then Thorn said Nay none of those, give it some more thought as time goes by. Then Thorn looked ahead and saw that wile they were conversing that they had nearly reached the city and then thought to the partner-of-his-mind-and-heart Murtagh We have nearly reached the city and now is the time for you to think what you will say to the govenor of the city.

Yes Thorn Murtagh responded as he looked at the city walls as they flew over them and headed towards the citadel. What would he say? He thought to himself "Greetings the mad king Galbatorix has sent me on an errand to find another dragon rider in your city." No that would not work he thought, "Damnit! I hate speaking to blasted Rulers, they think they know everything and they veiw me as an underling waiting on his master like Morzan did!" he silently murmured.

*****

Your C&C please.


Last edited by Silverbluefire on Mon Mar 15, 2010 5:32 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Lone Wolf
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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Sun Mar 14, 2010 6:57 pm

I thought I'd add a bit more to it.

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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Mon Mar 15, 2010 4:25 am

I'll make my c&c after an hour.. seems good and interesting. Hmm..
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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Mon Mar 15, 2010 9:27 am

Woah LH, I didn't know you write fanfics! It was really good for a first chapter, though you have to pay attention to the punctuation. Also, you need to add more emotes in a dialogue, like:

Little one you know as well as I do that we will be punished for not following orders.and that you are likely going to have to swear more oaths in the ancient language so that we will not be able to have so much freedom. "

"Yes." Nodded Murtagh, sadness visible on his face.

Now, I am not that good at emotions either, I find them the biggest challenge in my fanfic, but this is only an example.

Your description is good, your dialogues are fine, though you have to work in making the scenes look realistic. At start, you were talking about a barren wasteland and then you introduce the throne room. How did they reach it so fast? Galbatorix acted properly for a tyrant, though it was cool if you make him look tougher, more evil.

I don't know what more to say, except that this is really good for a first chapter. It seems that Murtagh and Thorn will become the good guys Smile
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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Mon Mar 15, 2010 11:19 am

Do I need to make my c&c? Gabs already pointed all those out. Well, I think I'll just have to wait for another chapter. I always find it hard to make a constructive criticism when there's only chapter out so... Smile
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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Mon Mar 15, 2010 5:21 pm

I have edited the first part of the Chapter and fixed some typos.

BTW what do you think of the riddle?

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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Mon Mar 15, 2010 6:05 pm

Wow LH that was GOOD
Is cool to get some of what Murtagh and Thorn are going through compared to Eragon and Saphira
I never thought you had it in you
Smile
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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Mon Mar 15, 2010 7:18 pm

Oh forgot, thanks GG Sinitar and Lady Luck for reading and commenting.

I haven't started on chapter 2 yet, I think I will start tonight after work.
SF, you would think so wouldn't you?

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Last edited by Lord Havoc on Fri Mar 19, 2010 8:08 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Tue Mar 16, 2010 1:31 am

Nice start so far. But since this your first chappy I wouldn't go into too much C&C. I liked how you put the first chapter from Murtagh's POV unlike the generic Eragon weeping session. Second I will tell you too work on your emotion, tell me how was Murtagh and Thorn were feeling during the duel, some more on the torture and so on.

I will be waiting for your next chapter.

P.s Is the answer nothing, for the riddle. Smile
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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Tue Mar 16, 2010 3:44 am

Thanks Thunder!
No, one of the answers Murtagh gave was nothing.
Here I'll give you a hint, the answer is a little word somewhere in the chapter.

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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Tue Mar 16, 2010 4:43 am

Your welcome. And it is time. I know it. Razz
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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Tue Mar 16, 2010 5:34 am

Yup.

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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Tue Mar 16, 2010 10:16 pm

Just got a quick Q, you guys won't mind if I include your Battle Zone names in the story will you?

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Last edited by Lord Havoc on Wed Mar 17, 2010 6:42 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Sorry gutys I am not in the mood for writing tonight, but I got a third of the chapter done tho.)
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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Wed Mar 17, 2010 9:38 am

Sure, go ahead, though my name would fit a dragon Smile It's soo exciting if you really do it :D
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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Wed Mar 17, 2010 9:40 am

I was thinking something along those lines.

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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Wed Mar 17, 2010 9:45 am

What? my name GG or the Lady_RAWR?!!
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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Wed Mar 17, 2010 9:45 am

GG.

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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Wed Mar 17, 2010 9:47 am

Please use lady RAWR! it would be hilarious! Lady RAWR is a dragon and Giorgia her rider! Dragons roar you know... :D
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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Wed Mar 17, 2010 9:50 am

that would be good yes maybe, that gives me an Idea.

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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Wed Mar 17, 2010 9:54 am

makes sense.. YAY!!! I am in a fanfic.. Awt-umm.. Razz
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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Thu Mar 25, 2010 9:39 pm

Working on next chapter it should be out end of next week, work is tiring me out and when I should be writing it I am on here talking and annoying people, GG and Rain know what I mean.

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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Sat Mar 27, 2010 8:12 am

Update!

In the time it had taken Murtagh and Thorn to get to Belatona the Varden had covered half the distance towards Belatona from Feinister.
Nausada had had them on a forced march to get to Belatona as quickly as possible, so as to catch the belatona forces off gaurd.

A boy ran through the camp at top speed for a boy his size, he was carrying a message to someone, someone in authority.
He ran and ran until his legs were pounding he passed soldiers of every kind, spear men, swords men, archers, calvary and many others, the tents were just a blur and he ran along the camp ground.
This was no ordinary boy, for he could speak to dragons using his mind and could wield magic at the age of six, yet no one knew except for him. But as he ran he came upon a shadow, a shadow that not even Galbatorix would ignore, for it was a dragons shadow. He slowed down and approached quietly, not announcing his presence for he never did he just turned up silently. For he knew that if he were to make a ruckus around the the person he was going to see he would end up not being messenger anymore he knew that, it had been drilled into him by his masters.

He crept forward hiding behind another gery tent, to see the dragon, a bright blue sapphire dragon, he spoke to it using his mind "Her ladyship would like to speak to your rider oh mistress of the skies."

"Yes young one." the dragon replied with a sense of wisdom that overpowered the young boy.

He then ran off to tell the leader of the varden that he had delivered his message.

************

"Eragon." Saphira called gently not wanting to startle him.

"Eragon" She called again a little louder.

"Yes Saphira?" Eragon asked with a sad smile on his face.

"Nausada would like to speak with you now." She said grinning.

"Finally I can go back to my job then?" he asked?

She Grinned again knowing full well that Nausada's forced leave from the Varden to grieve over Oromis and Glaedr had hurt him, he just wanted to avenge them by getting rid of Galbatorix, he had told her that he would grieve later and fight now. " I would think so young one", she said with laughter in her voice.

He looked like he was fit to burst with joy, he picked up Brisingr raced out of the tent, and off towards Nausada's command pavilion. Saphira following just behind. she launched into the air and just beat him there, he Arrived and the Nighthawks barred the door saying "What is your business here?"

Eragon answered "I have come because Nausada wanted to see me."

The shortest Dwarf poked his head inside the tent and said "Eragon Shadeslayer requests an Audience"

"Let him in" came the answer from within the tent.

The tent opened and the night hawks stood down, and said you may enter Shadeslayer, Eragon entered and saw Nausada with Arya and Roran, discussing how they were going to get to Belatona.

Roran looked up with a smile on his face "Welcome Brother", he said.

Eragon nodded and looked to Nausada who said, "Eragon would you be able to cloak a group of Soldiers, Dwarves and Urgals long enough for them to get inside the city?"

He nodded and said "That will be easy it is the getting them in to the city that will be the problem, how will they get past the main gate?"

"Eragon they won't be going in by the main gate, they will be going in by an underground tunnel that comes out remarkably close to where we had origanally planned to camp. Jeod found it, so we are going to camp right on top of it and hope it is still use able. The advance group will then go in by the tunnel and attempt to open the gate, time will be short so I want you and Arya to go, choose who you will, and go once we camp. After you are successfully inside you will head towards the main gate and attempt to open it. If you can get it open Belatona will fall otherwise it will take a few thousand lives trying to take the walls."

"Saphira what do you think of the plan?" Eragon asked her.

"It would work, just don't take to long about it." She answered with a little hint of humor in her voice, "Or you may not make it out of this scrap alive."

Nausada said "So what is your answer Eragon?"

He replied "It is a fools chance that we may succeed in doing this, but a fools chance is still a chance"

"OK you may go, Oh and Eragon, I realize that I have no right to command you now that you are the head rider, so don't worry I will release you but not yet."
----------


What do you think? I know it is short but,
I hate writing from Eragons POV, it is hard you can only go in three or four directions all laid out for you.
Murtagh you can do a lot more with.


Last edited by Georgie on Mon Apr 12, 2010 6:43 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : I have EDITED most if not all spelling mistakes out of it.)
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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Sun Mar 28, 2010 3:26 am

Phew! Ahehe..yeah, I read it again from the start. jeez, until now, I still don't know what Thorn meant about the riddle. But I have an answer, though, I am sure it is entirely wrong. No Anyway, as for the critique: I think you are too fast Zach. In two chapters, Eragon was already released and free of Nasuada's bond or whatever you call his bond with her. Ahh..oh well.. Another thing is, you need to proofread your chapter before posting it. I have found heaps of spelling errors and lack of punctuation marks especially the commas. Other than that, good chapter. And btw, was the boy the messenger of Nasuada? I forgot his name. Hammer Death Sorry, haven't read the cycle for a while now. Awesome
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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Sun Mar 28, 2010 3:32 am

I know I will edit it later but I am Tired at the mo.

The boy is a different one not that one you are thinking about. I thinking what I will do with him now that he is there.

He is not released he has just been told he will be in time.

Post your answer but TG already knows anyway.

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PostSubject: Re: My IC book 4   Sun Mar 28, 2010 3:37 am

Ooohh...so this boy was not just an ordianry boy. *mutters to herself* ( GG, you did read it right? Why need to ask? XD )

And well, my answer is...well..oh, I forgot. Razz
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