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 Captain T's song / poem writing.

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Captain Tezuka
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PostSubject: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Tue Apr 13, 2010 4:24 pm

I'm writing Poetry off the top of my head while posting this..DISCLAIMER- it will suck!!

I'm going to die
It, it is no lie
I can't even cry
I have come to this
I don't know why

My sun is waning
the life in me is going
Where to there is no knowing
My lifeblood is flowing
Down the ditch to Hades.

I have run out of time
Because of your crime
Just yesterday it all was fine
And now it is all over

I hope you Understand
That knife made a demand
And now you have the blood of one
Look at what you have done.



UPDATE 8/9/10

It's night again
time for my daily break down
This pain is so near and familiar
And now I'm on my bed
I look down at the sheets stained red
My arms are so full of hurt
Why am I in this mess?


Here are some old ones I did loooooooong ago. Like 2 years ago. So fEral, don't rip me, because they're old. Mmkay?



Scarlet Tears

He is not what he was
He is broken because
He was left
Now he’s standing on the cleft

There is nobody here
I’m about to fall I fear
Now I know how it feels to break
Many peaces are left in my wake

And now he’s cryin
For something that never was
And now he’s lyin
In a pool of his own blood

So how do I get out of this
Please tell me I need the bliss
That you take for granted
Really your outlook is slightly slanted

He’s dying inside
“please help me” he cried
Who is there to care
His life is so unfair


I think I see a light
I run from the darkness
For a moment my heart soars like a kite
I see a way out of this plight!

He cries out to the sky
“I have sinned, why?
I am imperfect
But with Your help I can make it”


“I can’t make it
I can’t take it
I can’t make it
Without your help”

And then he’s free
He had help you see
Some one heard his plee
The one that died, died on the tree



Another old one. This one is actually a song. Again don't rip it Feral it's old.


Broken Memories
By Spencer Burklin (AKA Talon)


You hurt me
I had feelings too
can’t you see
Thanks to you
A monster I’ve come to be
With those words you spoke
It hurts to think
That my heart broke
In just a blink


Chorus:

You made me broken
With the words you’ve spoken
You walked away
And I have something to say

I felt so bad
Then you made me glad
Like a new drug so great
Felt like I hade a clean slate
Things have changed a lot
I’m not your fool
I sure as hell’ve been taught.

Chorus:

You made me broken
With the words you’ve spoken
You walked away
And I have something to say


We had such a great time
For anyone else I didn’t care a dime
Our love was impossible to mime
Love is a crime.
I thought we were forever
Now love for me is never
It’s funny how much a ring can mean
Some love can be so seemingly keen.

Chorus:

You made me broken
With the words you’ve spoken
You walked away
And I have something to say

Bridge:

Where is my silver lining?
Where is the light shining?
Please tell me where to find help
Because I’m falling too far
Please hear me, wherever You are


You made me broken
With the words you’ve spoken
You walked away
And I have something to say


You made me broken
With the words you’ve spoken
You walked away
And I have something to say;

I forgive you anyway.




update 8/12/2010

Sorrow So Sincere


Oh look whos back
No doubt formulating your next attack
Tell me what drives you so?
What keeps you so hateful I want to know
I thought You'd get over it already
But still you lay your hate steady
What a power is a vengeful heart
I can't even try and start
You won't let me get off the floor
I don't think I can take more
You said you loved me so dear
You meant all the things I held near
I guess you're good at betraying
Your evil hand knows no staying
Seems like you enjoy my pain
All the while I'm dying from the strain
Why don't you just leave me alone
You're heart must be made of stone
I have one last demand, fine?
Get a life better then ruining mine.



Update 8/12/2010

Beutiful Tricks



I wonder when
Enough will be enough
I wonder when
we'll end this
You suck the blood of me
I wonder when the end will be
You keep coming for my heart
You always leave with it in your hand
I keep falling for you I don't understand
You'd think I'd know better
Than to fall into your trap again
You've destroyed every fetter
Of the rules of love
You've used me so many times
You've played so many beutiful tricks
You're the mastermind
Of the destruction of my heart
That still I need to find
You love to watch me fall apart
All these atrocities you have commited
I've only had a start
You claw at me with talons so sharp
I pity the poor unfortanate soul
Who will be your next victim
Leave me alone so I can once again be whole



Comment, discuss, enjoy.




UPDATE 9/15/2010

Blood Red Petals So Sincere


How simple
Was our understanding
But your words have taken toll
I have paid for your mistakes
Paid in full
The petals falling
From the crevices of my heart
Are so purely red
If only I could wake with a start
But this endless discrepancy
Doesn’t find any end near
Your face can instill
In me so much fear
When I see you I know the end
Will no be far behind
Sometimes I wish I never knew you
But then I remember
All that you have gotten me through
I know I should be thankful
But this feeling is so intense
Betrayal and hate fill my veins
In my mind
I walk through hells lanes
But I really have so much more
Than many others have been dispensed
I should really appreciate this situation
I can’t find it in me to forgive
It’s hard enough just to live
I’m just looking at things with a faulty scale
I really need to brush off that hate
Grow up and get up
It’s not too late
This view of mine is really quite dim
I’ve got more to work with than most
I promise to improve all my sh*t
And you can be assured of it.




Last edited by Captain Tezuka on Wed Sep 15, 2010 11:52 am; edited 8 times in total
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Artrain
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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Wed Apr 14, 2010 1:15 am

Aha! We have a new poet in our midst. Great job TB. You have got a total unique style of writing. The rhyming was good, and you seem to worked on it well. The poem sounded a bit like rap lyrics. Do you rap TB? Overall though, I liked it. Its good to hear something new. You concluded it very well I think. I'll definitely be waiting for your updates...

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Captain Tezuka
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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Wed Apr 14, 2010 8:53 am

Artrain wrote:
Aha! We have a new poet in our midst. Great job TB. You have got a total unique style of writing. The rhyming was good, and you seem to worked on it well. The poem sounded a bit like rap lyrics. Do you rap TB? Overall though, I liked it. Its good to hear something new. You concluded it very well I think. I'll definitely be waiting for your updates...

Thanks a lot, Artrain. I'm not a rap kinda guy, my poems / songs all tend it have very cut and defined rhyming, I guess that's just my style. Or should I say, Shtick? (Razz) Thanks for the props I'm sure I'll be posting plenty more!
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Mozzie
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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Wed Apr 14, 2010 9:01 am

Affraid WHat was that?! That...that was something SPence. I dunno though, but it kinda made me feel scared. Creeeeeeeppppppppyyy... D=
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Captain Tezuka
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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Wed Apr 14, 2010 9:16 am

You are going to have to get used to it...that's what most of my stuff is like. Sometimes about love, though.
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Feral
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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Wed Apr 14, 2010 9:25 am

ok, you told me it was not your first one, so here we go.

- point one; flow is ultimately what makes a poem appealing. this rhythm is hitched, and unnecessary words were used. Remember, commas make people STOP, and using them here is so annoying.

- point two; Can I introduce you to something I call, 'conjunction words' these words, when used, can add affect, and fix flow.

- point three; rhyming is scattered, in some it is every line, some every second line, then in one line it is three in a row. When doing this, it is essential that you have a flow, and because you don't, it doesn't sound to crash hot.

the meaning is fantastic. and it does come out a bit creepy to a reader.

If you didn't even take look at polishing it off slightly, why did you post it? just a bit confusing to me. You have to know that I write long lined poetry, and four word lines kinda lack in imagery and things. So, update soon, and lets see if you can do better!
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Captain Tezuka
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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Wed Apr 14, 2010 9:32 am

Feral wrote:
ok, you told me it was not your first one, so here we go.

- point one; flow is ultimately what makes a poem appealing. this rhythm is hitched, and unnecessary words were used. Remember, commas make people STOP, and using them here is so annoying.

- point two; Can I introduce you to something I call, 'conjunction words' these words, when used, can add affect, and fix flow.

- point three; rhyming is scattered, in some it is every line, some every second line, then in one line it is three in a row. When doing this, it is essential that you have a flow, and because you don't, it doesn't sound to crash hot.

the meaning is fantastic. and it does come out a bit creepy to a reader.

If you didn't even take look at polishing it off slightly, why did you post it? just a bit confusing to me. You have to know that I write long lined poetry, and four word lines kinda lack in imagery and things. So, update soon, and lets see if you can do better!

I posted it for a reason...that I forgot....I guess I just wanted to see how bad it would come up when I wrote something really really fast...I will make another soon, and I'll actually try...tehe....
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VampireGiRL
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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Wed Apr 14, 2010 9:48 am

I like it! it's very interesting,I would like to read more from you!
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Captain Tezuka
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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Wed Apr 14, 2010 12:16 pm

VampireGiRL wrote:
I like it! it's very interesting,I would like to read more from you!

Don't worry, I'll be posting much more in the future, that was just a lame little bit Razz
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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Wed Apr 14, 2010 12:33 pm

great ;)
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Captain Tezuka
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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Wed Apr 14, 2010 2:33 pm

I think I may even make one tonight! :O
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Matt
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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Fri Apr 16, 2010 6:17 am

Really good...You seem to be emotional just like CC :D That was my biggest critic on her poems in IF Razz The rhyming and rhythm were really good though...Hope to see more soon.




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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Fri Apr 16, 2010 10:03 pm

Gee thanks Matt. tongue Awesome Talon!!! Was very enjoyable to read! Maybe because it was random! Anyway great job! Good rhyming too.
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Captain Tezuka
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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Tue Apr 20, 2010 10:34 am

@Fallen thanks Fallen :D High praise from a great friend Smile


Last edited by Captain Tezuka on Thu Aug 12, 2010 10:02 am; edited 1 time in total
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Sophia
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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Tue Aug 10, 2010 11:07 am

*sighs* Nice Talon... the song is pretty good in my opinion. The last line I love so much. The verses are slightly oddly worded but otherwise it's a good song. Only of course...you got a melody and chords to it, if you ever record it I wouldn't mind hearing how it sounds.

And like I said before the literalness of your poetry is a refreshing change to all the allegory out there. Yesterday though it seemed like you were writing something new though. What happened to that? I think if you took everything Feral said into consideration you could right good stuff. Just saying. I hope you write more though certainly.
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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Tue Aug 10, 2010 11:11 am

Hmmm... wrote:
sighs* Nice Talon... the song is pretty good in my opinion. The last line I love so much. The verses are slightly oddly worded but otherwise it's a good song. Only of course...you got a melody and chords to it, if you ever record it I wouldn't mind hearing how it sounds.

And like I said before the literalness of your poetry is a refreshing change to all the allegory out there. Yesterday though it seemed like you were writing something new though. What happened to that? I think if you took everything Feral said into consideration you could right good stuff. Just saying. I hope you write more though certainly

Thanks.

The thing I was talking about last night is still in progress.


Last edited by Captain Tezuka on Thu Aug 12, 2010 10:02 am; edited 2 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Tue Aug 10, 2010 9:00 pm

That was a very good song Talon... I enjoyed how you rhymed it a lot..you expressed some feeling there which was good I also liked the last line..hope you post more soon.
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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Tue Aug 10, 2010 9:56 pm

Okay thanks. I'll try....but who knows.


Last edited by Captain Tezuka on Thu Aug 12, 2010 10:01 am; edited 1 time in total
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Captain Tezuka
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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Thu Aug 12, 2010 9:59 am

Sorrow So Sincere


Oh look whos back
No doubt formulating your next attack
Tell me what drives you so?
What keeps you so hateful I want to know
I thought You'd get over it already
But still you lay your hate steady
What a power is a vengeful heart
I can't even try and start
You won't let me get off the floor
I don't think I can take more
You said you loved me so dear
You meant all the things I held near
I guess you're good at betraying
Your evil hand knows no staying
Seems like you enjoy my pain
All the while I'm dying from the strain
Why don't you just leave me alone
You're heart must be made of stone
I have one last demand, fine?
Get a life better then ruining mine.


Eh. Comments?
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Sophia
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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Thu Aug 12, 2010 10:03 am

*sighs* The poem is good the theme is not. There is so much emotion in this...it's a little overwhelming to read. You did well though, better than everything else I've read of yours. The rhyming worked well and it had quite a good flow to the words. I hope you keep writing... ^_^
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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Thu Aug 12, 2010 10:48 am

Ah good one this last. Like your earlier ones, they have got a very rappy feel to them. So I'm tempted to say, great lyrics you made here Smile. Emotion was there as it should have been. Rhythm and rhyming was very good. And the ending was aptly done. All in all, wonderful to read. Keep up...

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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Thu Aug 12, 2010 12:46 pm

Here's another one that I wrote this morning. Two updates in one day!!

Beutiful Tricks



I wonder when
Enough will be enough
I wonder when
we'll end this
You suck the blood of me
I wonder when the end will be
You keep coming for my heart
You always leave with it in your hand
I keep falling for you I don't understand
You'd think I'd know better
Than to fall into your trap again
You've destroyed every fetter
Of the rules of love
You've used me so many times
You've played so many beutiful tricks
You're the mastermind
Of the destruction of my heart
That still I need to find
You love to watch me fall apart
All these atrocities you have commited
I've only had a start
You claw at me with talons so sharp
I pity the poor unfortanate soul
Who will be your next victim
Leave me alone so I can once again be whole




Comment / enjoy
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Thorned Hope
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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Thu Aug 12, 2010 2:04 pm

Jeez....Talon..that was awesome!! I like your word choice...and the theme...I got the feeling...and I liked the last line.. you misspelled one word wrong though and that beautifull (i dunno how to spell it either though I think thats the correct spelling all in all...great job! Post more. =)
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Captain Tezuka
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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Thu Aug 12, 2010 2:22 pm

Thanks CC ^_^ I kinda liked that one myself Smile
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PostSubject: Re: Captain T's song / poem writing.   Fri Aug 13, 2010 2:11 am

Good one, this too. Seemed much more like a poem than your earlier one. A proper free verse. Well written, and the feeling was there. Enjoyed reading... Smile

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