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 ~My Poems...

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Thorned Hope
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PostSubject: ~My Poems...   Sat Apr 17, 2010 9:11 pm

Hey so yeah I have decided to post my poetry here instead of on IF so yeah here it goes.

Note: This literally took me about an hour doing. And I think its horrible and another thing; I cant rhyme!!!

See me lieing there are your feet,
breathing harshly from pain thats to deep
as I try to reach your hand you see my bleed
and you gasp and quickly cup my cheeks
you come down to me with a mournful
look in your eyes, something I have never seen.
You look at me and plead that I come home
but even though I look like this
thats not what I really need.

-------------------------------------

Yes, well thoughts anyone??
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Artrain
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Sun Apr 18, 2010 7:48 am

Wow BE a new one! This is good. Very interesting composition there. It is good that you did not give a priority to rhyming, it might have ruined the feeling of the poem. The end seemed a bit vague, but after reading again, I like it. It kinda keeps the reader guessing.

Umm, just one typo in the second line. You wrote 'to' instead of 'too'. Other then that, quite a fine one you have written there...

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Thorned Hope
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Sun Apr 18, 2010 11:33 am

Are you saying the rest werent good?!! Well then. Oh ook, I'll fix that then. Thanks for your feedback... :]
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Artrain
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Sun Apr 18, 2010 12:33 pm

Fallen Angel wrote:
Are you saying the rest werent good?!!
Course not. I'm saying that this is good ;)

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Thorned Hope
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Sun Apr 18, 2010 12:40 pm

Oh yeah that totally clears it all up. Razz Anyway back on topic...
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Mozzie
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Mon Apr 19, 2010 4:56 am

CC! That was a good poem. It was...sad. And well, I liked it. Keep writing. Smile
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Thorned Hope
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Tue May 11, 2010 11:02 pm

Yeah update, cheers I think D:

My Memory
Every step is a painful memory,
Every scene brings back a flash back,
Especially here, where the sun is the hottest,
The sand is beneath my feet the ocean is in front of me.

I remember laughter and smiling faces,
A feeling inside you that you cannot replace.

I hear splashing feel the blazing sun,
I remember jumping and flying then landing in cool water,
And feeling the rocky, sandy ground beneath my feet.

I hear squealing as my dad picks up my sister and carries
Her into the water and dumps her in. I hear my mother
Giggling, looking beautiful with her yellow bathing suit.

I remember look at the sky as the sun was setting,
Seeing the colors and hues or red, orange, and purple.

But when I open my eyes I remember that it’s just a memory,
Something that was here and is no more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well I guess enjoy?? Crying or Very sad
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Artrain
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Wed May 12, 2010 10:28 am

Hey you're writing again! cheers And you've kicked off with a very good poem BE! Must say, you haven't lost your touch at all. Your style of writing was improving greatly in your last poem, and that has continued into this one. Wonderfully picturesque. Great theme you've based this on. On the whole, I'm enjoying your return...

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Firesword assassin
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Wed May 12, 2010 3:32 pm

Good poem! I liked how descriptive it was and how the poem ended. Unlike other poems I've read, it closes quite nicely. Keep it up.

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Thorned Hope
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Wed May 12, 2010 4:50 pm

Um..thank you for your guys feedback I guess, and no Artrain I am not back and I dont think I will ever be back.
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Twin Dagger
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Thu May 13, 2010 7:11 pm

CC these really are some good poems. I cant wait for the updates.
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Wed May 19, 2010 7:25 pm

Ok Artrain here is another poem update like you wished.

Lost Soul

My life and all I do are restricted
By the jail cell that is called home,
Blood from my arm, I have become addicted
And now I'm all alone.

I tried to kill the pain,
But I only seem to create more,
My life is all in vain,
This is my last day.

Feel as if the world gave up on me,
Will anyone miss me creeps in my mind,
I'm dieing on the inside, why can't they see
I have become numb without a soul.

A strangled smile fell from my face,
I'm falling into an oblivion,
My life is a disgrace
There is no reason for me to go on.

Laughed at religion long ago
Doubt I'll be an angel when I die,
But since I have no place to go,
I'll just linger in the doorway, like a lost soul.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

errr......well yes. Just thought I'd let you know its not mine. Its my friends trying to convince her to write more. So...yeah.
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Old Amsterdam
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Wed May 19, 2010 9:03 pm

O.o

Good poem...but still...
You worry me, you know.

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Twin Dagger
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Wed May 19, 2010 10:25 pm

CC are you sure you didnt write this?

It is a good peom though.
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Mozzie
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Thu May 20, 2010 1:12 am

Fallen Angel wrote:
Yeah update, cheers I think D:

My Memory
Every step is a painful memory,
Every scene brings back a flash back,
Especially here, where the sun is the hottest,
The sand is beneath my feet the ocean is in front of me.

I remember laughter and smiling faces,
A feeling inside you that you cannot replace.

I hear splashing feel the blazing sun,
I remember jumping and flying then landing in cool water,
And feeling the rocky, sandy ground beneath my feet.

I hear squealing as my dad picks up my sister and carries
Her into the water and dumps her in. I hear my mother
Giggling, looking beautiful with her yellow bathing suit.

I remember look at the sky as the sun was setting,
Seeing the colors and hues or red, orange, and purple.

But when I open my eyes I remember that it’s just a memory,
Something that was here and is no more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well I guess enjoy?? Crying or Very sad

T_T CC, some things are meant to be memories. That's one thing past teach us. =/ Learn to move on girl and you'll find a way to get out of that nightmare. If you get what I mean. ANyway, a very nice poem. Like the theme and everything especially the imagery. Well-written girl, very well-written. ^^

Fallen Angel wrote:
Ok Artrain here is another poem update like you wished.

Lost Soul

My life and all I do are restricted
By the jail cell that is called home,
Blood from my arm, I have become addicted
And now I'm all alone.

I tried to kill the pain,
But I only seem to create more,
My life is all in vain,
This is my last day.

Feel as if the world gave up on me,
Will anyone miss me creeps in my mind,
I'm dieing on the inside, why can't they see
I have become numb without a soul.

A strangled smile fell from my face,
I'm falling into an oblivion,
My life is a disgrace
There is no reason for me to go on.

Laughed at religion long ago
Doubt I'll be an angle when I die,
But since I have no place to go,
I'll just linger in the doorway, like a lost soul.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

errr......well yes. Just thought I'd let you know its not mine. Its my friends trying to convince her to write more. So...yeah.
Phew!! That made me worry girl. Never do that again. I thought it was you who wrote this! Gald it wasnt you but hopefully, you're friend find her way again. Smile Oh, before I forget, tell her she is a poet. THat poem is really nice. *grins*
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Thorned Hope
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Sun May 23, 2010 1:34 pm

Ok I will GG. Ehm..so another poem... *sigh* just did this like a second ago..or well finished it...


~~~~~~~~~~.
Thought you cared. Thought you'd always be there
From the first note
To the next and next
Thought we had something
But I guess to you it was nothing.
So now I’m gone
And won’t be back
Don’t call me I won’t answer
Don’t message me I won’t respond.
Stop lying to me
I know you don’t care
Stop saying you do cause I won’t believe it.
You used me and now I know
You’re just like him...
Seems things never change,
They would always repeat themselves in the same horrible way.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok well what do you think??
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Twin Dagger
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Sun May 23, 2010 2:20 pm

It is a good peom but i am curious as to what inspired it.
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Mozzie
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Sun May 23, 2010 11:06 pm

Fallen Angel wrote:
Ok I will GG. Ehm..so another poem... *sigh* just did this like a second ago..or well finished it...


~~~~~~~~~~.
Thought you cared. Thought you'd always be there
From the first note
To the next and next
Thought we had something
But I guess to you it was nothing.
So now I’m gone
And won’t be back
Don’t call me I won’t answer
Don’t message me I won’t respond.
Stop lying to me
I know you don’t care
Stop saying you do cause I won’t believe it.
You used me and now I know
You’re just like him...
Seems things never change,
They would always repeat themselves in the same horrible way.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok well what do you think??
O.O What can I say? I'm....... speechless.. silent Apologies girl, I can't critic this.It's.... I dunno.. I just don't know what to say really. Anyway, as always, I look forward to your next one. XD
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Thorned Hope
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Sat May 29, 2010 8:07 pm

Lol, speechless I see! ^_^ ok well..update!!

Your sick of feeling numb,
your not the only one,
I'll take you by the hand
and I'll show you the world.

Pain.....

Pain without love
Pain cant get enough
pain I like it rough
cause I'd rather feel pain
the nothing at all.

Pain....

Anger and agony are better
than misery trust me and take my hand
when the lights go out
you will understand.

Pain...

I'm always here for you
I know I know I know I know
that you'll thank me in the end.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

C&C would be nice...please...
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Mozzie
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Tue Jun 01, 2010 1:23 am

Fallen Angel wrote:
Lol, speechless I see! ^_^ ok well..update!!

Your sick of feeling numb,
your not the only one,
I'll take you by the hand
and I'll show you the world.

Pain.....

Pain without love
Pain cant get enough
pain I like it rough
cause I'd rather feel pain
the nothing at all.

Pain....

Anger and agony are better
than misery trust me and take my hand
when the lights go out
you will understand.

Pain...

I'm always here for you
I know I know I know I know
that you'll thank me in the end.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

C&C would be nice...please...
HA! That is a funny poem girl! XD Dunno, there is something happy and nice about this. Maybe because of the phrase 'take my hand'. Very positive and helpful.. Nice work! cheers
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Thorned Hope
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Tue Jun 01, 2010 6:43 pm

There is nothing nice about my poems.. muahahahah!! Razz

Thank you for your feedback GG. =]
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Thorned Hope
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Sat Jun 05, 2010 4:09 pm

So yeah..just a random poem, doesnt go to anybody. So here it is. This is a crappy one by the way..I'll let you guys do the fixin' Im too lazy. tongue

I wish all the tears were gone,
Wish all the pain disappeared.
Wish live wasn’t so hard.
Wish someone would understand
And be there to take my hand.
I wish you never left me,
for you were the only one who could understand,
Who felt the same way,
But now I don’t know if your ever coming back to talk to me again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Heh...me no like it that much... oh well... >.>
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Old Amsterdam
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Mon Jun 07, 2010 6:18 pm

Well, I don't know what to say. So, I'll just post corrections...

Line 3--"Live" changes to "life"

Last line--- "your" changes to "you're"

Other than that, no spelling type errors, and I don't feel comfortable commenting on anything else...

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Thorned Hope
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Mon Jun 07, 2010 7:22 pm

Oh yeah..the thing on the third line was a fail. >.> Thanks anyway..
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Old Amsterdam
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PostSubject: Re: ~My Poems...   Tue Jun 08, 2010 8:05 am

Eh, I think we all have our moments...

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