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 I thought I'd share it here as well.

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Matt
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Thu Apr 08, 2010 6:12 am

JoM, please offer constructive criticism as it is a rule...At least add why you liked or disliked the poem. Thanks!




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Twin Dagger
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Fri Apr 09, 2010 9:55 am

Just read all of the poems and the first one about love is definitly true and it is a good poem. On second thought all of these are good poems i really like them. Please tell me when you put up the next one.
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Fri Apr 09, 2010 10:01 am

hehe, gg. anyway,

first one- its catchy, very light to read. especially this one
, 'Bursting with butterfly,
turns out to be a lullaby.
the rhythm bumps a little, but the words mask it well.

second one-It has a background to it. it reminds me of tiger woods slightly, then a thief.

third one- a child or person that's co-dependent on a journal. nah, im joking. I pity that person, they have one thing to ease all their pain.

fourth- what can I say? in a short phrase; screw the moron who dumped her. Smile

all these poems rhyme well. it flows, and each one has a story. I hope more are coming. I'm into that, slit your wrist, kill me, doom poetry. this actually caught my attention. well done. and UPDATE!
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Sat Apr 10, 2010 5:17 pm

Good GG!!!!

I actually thought you were going to do something loey dovey about love but it turbs out I was wrong. =D Btw in the first stanza what is the monster??
Good rhythm GG, as always.
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Tue Apr 13, 2010 3:41 pm

Rain Stinks wrote:
Exclamation

That was unexpected GG. I thought it sounded great and everything. IT was awesome. I thought it flowed well, and was a good length. As I said, very good. It made me think of a lot of stuff, I really :love: 'd it. Good job.

Hah, "That was unexpected, it was great" Lol, burrrrrn. I enjoyed it, GG. The way the ryhmes fell into place felt very natural.
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Wed Apr 14, 2010 8:41 am

Ahaha, thank'ee much Spencer, CC, JoM, Den, Keith, Feral and Matt. So glad you liked it my dear friends. LOL. Anyway, just so you know, I might post a new poem tomorrow or the day after that. I would really need your feedback guys because that post would be the one I would submit in the Poetry competition on Horty. ^_^

EDIT: Inspiration didn't come so, no poem for horty. No


Last edited by George on Mon Apr 19, 2010 5:16 am; edited 1 time in total
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Mozzie
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Mon Apr 19, 2010 5:15 am

-Mistake-

As the birds sang in the morn,
and I woke with nothing but of thorns.
Heart as crippled as a crumpled paper,
better to live in street as a pauper.

Everything was shattered,
like water drowning the very core of my chest.
With what I did,
It was better that I was fed to crows feet.

A sharpened stone I brought to you,
seeing you were torn in two,
better ask myself,
"what did I do?"

Mistake I did,
it cut the deepest part of you.
So, I ask and apologize,
could you forgive me too?
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Dennaix
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Mon Apr 19, 2010 8:12 am

Deep... real deep. Loved the Imagery. It reminded me of another poet... whose name escapes me. But I liked this one. A lot. Smile
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Mon Apr 19, 2010 8:20 am

Aah, very nice there. Brilliant use of metaphors. The topic of the composition was good, and you wrote is very well. I think this would be one of your top poems. Good descriptions resulted into a great feel. Keep it up GG...

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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Mon Apr 19, 2010 9:16 am

ok, well, you told me to pick how to critic, im going medium.

- rhyming was not uniform, but when it did rhyme the meaning came out fantastically.

- rhythm was great, it had flow, and the metaphors were fantastic. imagery was good too, i especially like the bit about the crows.

this is one of my favourites so far, so, keep it up, and update soon.
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BlackAngel
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Wed Apr 21, 2010 8:29 am

Nice!!
The first strophe is the best one =)) , in my opinion...
But the poem as a whole is great, too!
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Wed Apr 21, 2010 12:24 pm

GG that is a good poem and i too think i think that there was some very deep thinking behind it and at the same time wonder what couldve inspired this one.
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Thu Apr 22, 2010 5:44 am

I believe that is one of your best poems, even if it was inspired by a not-so-happy moment. Inspiration comes in many forms I guess... The first stanza was great. I particularly liked the introduction and the comparison for a person that feels miserable with what it had done. The description of the forms the pain takes is good, combining the words in such way that the result is beautiful.

The second stanza represents the deep regret that person feels I believe, and it eats the very core of its being. The comparison is really good, I liked it a lot(it's the second line). Quite a sordid deed it was for that person.

The third and fourth stanzas were really good, portraying the mistakes of a person in a manner where the past seems to come down on it like a thunder. I especially liked that, no matter what happened, that person recognized its mistake and had the guts to ask for forgiveness, whether it will receive it or not. It truly regrets its actions from what I see...

All in all, this was a really good poem with a deep significance that has a subtle way to tell us that no matter the mistakes you have done, asking for forgiveness makes you noble. At least that's what I believe Razz
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Thu Apr 22, 2010 6:01 am

Quote :
Deep... real deep. Loved the Imagery. It reminded me of another poet... whose name escapes me. But I liked this one. A lot. Smile
Thanks Den. Glad you liked it. ^_^ Btw, I wonder who that poet you were talking about. XD

Quote :
Aah, very nice there. Brilliant use of metaphors. The topic of the composition was good, and you wrote is very well. I think this would be one of your top poems. Good descriptions resulted into a great feel. Keep it up GG...
Ahehehehe.. Again, thank you too Mr. Artrain. ^_^

Quote :
ok, well, you told me to pick how to critic, im going medium.

- rhyming was not uniform, but when it did rhyme the meaning came out fantastically.

- rhythm was great, it had flow, and the metaphors were fantastic. imagery was good too, i especially like the bit about the crows.

this is one of my favourites so far, so, keep it up, and update soon.
Ahehehe... Is there anything else to say other than THANK YOU? Well, I guess not so, THANK YOU TOO Feral for your critiques. It's very much appreciated. ^_^

Quote :
Nice!
The first strophe is the best one =)) , in my opinion...
But the poem as a whole is great, too!
LOL Klaus. Thank you though. I wonder when is your next update. Razz

Quote :
GG that is a good poem and i too think i think that there was some very deep thinking behind it and at the same time wonder what couldve inspired this one.
Keith it has a deep reason. Hehehe.. Well, I think you know some part of it. LOL.. Anywho, thank you too. ^^

Quote :
I believe that is one of your best poems, even if it was inspired by a not-so-happy moment. Inspiration comes in many forms I guess... The first stanza was great. I particularly liked the introduction and the comparison for a person that feels miserable with what it had done. The description of the forms the pain takes is good, combining the words in such way that the result is beautiful.

The second stanza represents the deep regret that person feels I believe, and it eats the very core of its being. The comparison is really good, I liked it a lot(it's the second line). Quite a sordid deed it was for that person.

The third and fourth stanzas were really good, portraying the mistakes of a person in a manner where the past seems to come down on it like a thunder. I especially liked that, no matter what happened, that person recognized its mistake and had the guts to ask for forgiveness, whether it will receive it or not. It truly regrets its actions from what I see...

All in all, this was a really good poem with a deep significance that has a subtle way to tell us that no matter the mistakes you have done, asking for forgiveness makes you noble. At least that's what I believe Razz
Ahaha... you left me speechless Gabs. The only thing I can say for now is that, you made a good point about everything. And yes, you got the message of my poem. Thank you dude.. I really appreciate that. ^_^
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Sat Apr 24, 2010 2:05 pm

gg as i reread that poem i think i see now where the inspiration came from at least in part and when i see that it is an even better poem than before
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Fri Apr 30, 2010 12:35 am

Ahehe..Thanks Mr. K! =D

And new update. I already posted this on IF and FL but I forgot to post it here. Glad I read Den's poem and reminded me to post this too on here so, here it is:

-Lesson-

At this point of time,
full of grief and my blood turned vine.
Creepling through your heart
that is broken and has lost it's wine.

Your full of sorrow,
your life is blasted apart,
what's with this world?
You are just doing your part.

The agony you are feeling,
the suffering,
the people you have lost,
remember me and all won't seem worst.

Everytime I hear you moaning,
in your sleep,
I can't stop my heart breaking.

Your agony is what fuels me,
it keeps me going,
it keeps me on my knees.
And what's it for?
To battle things
that even I,
can't believe.
Am I meant to face this?
This Hell?
This eternity with nothing
but of paint of gore?

And now that I realize this,
and that what you taught me;
is of utmost necessity,
I don't know,
can't even say it:
am I lucky?


CnC are much appreciated. Smile
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Dennaix
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Fri Apr 30, 2010 5:56 am

wow... that was pretty deep, GG. I liked it, the flow was good and the use of imagery was somehow... I don't know... I'm actually lost for words here... I like the style of this one... the odd stanzas really appeal to me.... as I'm sure you can tell from my poetry.
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Fri Apr 30, 2010 6:56 am

SWEET!! Thank you Den!! I'm so glad you liked it. And yeah, many have said that's a very deep poem but it's not actually. Hehe..Although, I think I just made it too deep.. lol Thanks again though. ^_^
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Twin Dagger
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Sat May 01, 2010 9:35 am

gg that is a very good poem and i cant really think of anything about it to critic. as i was reading it i thought it was deep too but if you say its not then ok.
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Tue May 18, 2010 11:27 am

Alright, due to my frustration, I wrote this just awhile back. Anyway, here it is..



-if you only knew-

It has been years,
it has been this long,
can't you see my tears?
I am not that strong.

Everytime you frown,
instantly,
I feel I would break down.
Such a feeling,
what it'd do?
But hide the real clown.

The fear I have,
the situation I am in.
I've been here for long,
now all I want,
is to give in,
and face this monster,
with his sharp horn.

I am not near to perfection,
I am used to rejection,
no need to shout,
I know I don't deserve,
even just a piece of your attention.

The way you raised me,
I can not believe,
you just disappointed me.
Now I do,
and will live with this,
I promise,
I won't be like you.


=/
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Tue May 18, 2010 11:32 am

Hmm, I think we can guess what this is about. Frustration caused you to write this and frustration is what has been written. Straight as it was felt. Very effective Giorgia. One of your finest, this one. Loved readin it...

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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Tue May 18, 2010 11:36 am

Yeah.. I know you can guess it Artrain and most of you here can guess what the poem is about.. =/ ah well, thanks though... *half-smile*
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Tue May 18, 2010 12:11 pm

That is a good poem. I am fairly sure i know what it is about. I dont think you have anythign to worry about turning out like them.
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Wed May 19, 2010 1:40 am

*grins* ok. ready.... GO!

- one, the meaning was great, all through the poem you had emotion, and it conveyed well.

-two, the rhyming was all right, the last paragraph doesn't have it at all though.

-three, the rhythm was hitched, but because of the meaning, i don't think it is actually a problem. *smiles*

all together a very good poem. the feeling is strong, and i quite like the blunt approach. and some of us can guess what you are talking about, which is an indication of how great you are at conveying what is happening without you really actually saying it. and gg, dont worry about turning out like them, trust me.
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Dennaix
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PostSubject: Re: I thought I'd share it here as well.   Mon May 24, 2010 10:42 am

Brutally emotional and honest. Makes the feeling feel raw for the reader, dredging up effective memories for me. The rhyme was good and the prose stunted... stunted in a good way though.... emotionally stunted if you get my meaning. Well presented and written with hazy form perfect for the subject matter. Thumbs up. Smile
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I thought I'd share it here as well.

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