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 my story. title open for suggestions

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rate my story
5 stars this is great
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4 stars this is good
50%
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3 stars this is ok
25%
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2 stars this is not very good
0%
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1 star this is bad
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0 star this is absolutly horrible
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Total Votes : 4
 

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Twin Dagger
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PostSubject: my story. title open for suggestions   Sat May 08, 2010 4:08 pm

So i thought i would try my hand at writing and this is what i have started to come up with. This is my first story that i have written. I have the first few chapters done but i will post one at a time and wait between for some people to c&c.

I know it is short but here is the prolouge the chapters will be longer.

Prologue

“Kill them, kill them all” said Leander

“But sir most of them are already giving up” said soldier

“I don’t care I will not take prisoners I want them all dead”

“Ok sir”

Kill all enemies, no prisoners was all that could be heard by the few people that were left to defend the last remaining stronghold of the human race. But what wasn’t known was that in the throne room was the king still alive with his body guards waiting there and planning something. All of a sudden there is a knocking on the door. “Sir the enemy is trying to break through the door we need to do something now” said the bodyguard. The king replied “don’t worry just yet I am working on it”.

“Move aside I will take down the door myself since you are all too weak to do it” said Leander. Then Leander straightened his arm with sword in hand and in a single swipe was able to cut through the door with the pieces all crashing to the floor. “Ah so you are the only ones left I should have known that the king would be plotting something to try and stop me” said Leander. The king just looked right into his eyes and motioned for his guards to attack the soldiers that were there attacking the city. Leander then began to circle around the king and the king was also circling with his sword out. “Give up old man, your city is burning to the ground as we speak and all your men are dead” said Leander. “No my city will live on as long as I am alive and my spirit will always live on in my men even after I die you will see.”

“Then it will be your own demise”. The king was the first to strike with what would have been a blow to the head but was easily stopped by Leander's superior strength. Leander struck at the kings ribs only to be deflected and have the kings blade arcing towards his stomach. The king was still to slow as Leander evaded the stab by jumping over the king and landing behind him. With a simple strike to the back Leander brought the king on his knees and at his mercy.


“If you kill me now then you are sealing your own fate and you will die at the hands of a descendent of mine which you will not find until the time comes for him to kill you” threatened the king. Leander replied “we will have to see then won’t we and how can your child kill me, when the rest of your city is dead”. Then he struck spinning around and with a final horizontal blow chopping off the king’s head and watching it fall to the ground laughing his evil laugh.


I hope you like it. C&C aprreciated. I know that my spelling is terrble and so is my grammer so please help me fix that.


Last edited by Lucius Malfoy on Sat Sep 04, 2010 9:35 pm; edited 3 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: my story. title open for suggestions   Sat May 08, 2010 4:15 pm

Its pretty good, Leander reminds of Durza.
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PostSubject: Re: my story. title open for suggestions   Sat May 08, 2010 4:21 pm

Im glad you like it. I have the next one ready but i will wait for a little C&C and some more comments on this one first
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PostSubject: Re: my story. title open for suggestions   Sat May 08, 2010 5:49 pm

“Then it will be your own demise”. The king was the first one to strike with a strike to the head but Leander easily was able to block the blow with his superior strength. Leander struck back with a counter blow at the ribs but the king saw it coming and knocked the sword out of the way stabbing towards the stomach but he was too slow, Leander jumped and flipped behind the king avoiding his thrust and with a strike to the back was able to bring the king to his knees.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Then it will be your own demise." Leander retorted.

The king was the first to strike with what would have been a blow to the head but was easily stopped by Leander's superior strength. Leander struck at the kings ribs only to be deflected and have the kings blade arcing towards his stomach. The king was still to slow as Leander evaded the stab by jumping over the king and landing behind him. With a smple strike to the back Leander ha the king on his knees and at his mercy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It makes t flow a bit better, its a simple suggestion how you write it is up to you.
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PostSubject: Re: my story. title open for suggestions   Sat May 08, 2010 6:01 pm

That is the king speaking that not leander.

That does sound better thanks i will edit it to that.
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PostSubject: Re: my story. title open for suggestions   Tue May 11, 2010 8:25 pm

Thanks for the C&C guys here is the next chapter.

Chapter 1

In a little village of the coast of the Allia (Alia) River named Pagitim, a boy the age of 16 was off in the woods stalking a deer with his bow and arrow. He stops as he sees a young buck and shoots it just as it looks at him killing it. As he is dragging it back to his home at the edge of the village he is stopped by the king’s troops.

“Where did you get that deer boy did you steal it from some hunter?”

“My name isn’t boy it is Oris and I didn’t steal this deer I shot it just like I will shoot you if you don’t leave me alone”

“Watch your tongue unless you want me to cut it out for you.”

“I would like to see you try to.”

The soldiers unsheathe their swords and give chase to the boy who runs as soon as they pull out their swords to kill him. They chase him into the woods and look for him. Oris runs along the game trail that he has hunted on for years and when the soldiers are out of site he climbs up a tree and waits. The soldiers show up after about ten minutes and stop right under the tree he is sitting in. The soldiers start talking and Oris leans closer so that he can hear them.

“Where do you think he went?”

“I’m not sure but I don’t know these trails well enough to have hope of finding him.”

“We had better not let the king find out about us letting a little kid get the best of us he will have our heads.”

“How is he even going to find out about it huh?”

“He has his ways of knowing things that no one else knows.”

“We had better get out of here before someone suspects something and comes looking.”

Oris watches them leave the forest and waits until they are gone before climbing out of the tree and leaves the forest going back to get his deer. When he gets back to where he left it there was nothing there for him to grab and walks back to his house where his father is there waiting for him.

“Where is your deer? I thought that I saw you dragging one back earlier through the window.”

“You did see it, but the stupid soldiers around here stopped me and stole my deer after chasing me into the woods trying to kill me.”

“Don’t worry about it son there is nothing that we can do about it anymore those soldiers have been bullying people ever since King Leander stole the throne and the kingdom from King Trabea 250 years ago.”

“How could one human live that long, it shouldn’t be possible.”

“Many people have said the same thing numerous times but it still doesn’t change the fact that he has. No one knows how he has but as for me I don’t think he is human I think he is some other unknown race.”

“I will find a way to stop him because it is not right for him to be alive that long or rule with such terrible ways and force us to live under his rule.”

“Don’t let anyone hear you say that because you will die and there will not be any way to stop that from happening.”

“Okay father I won’t, but I am going to bed because I am tired”

• • •

There was a rap on the door and then Oris got up to see who it was his father had already beaten him to the door. It was the soldiers, “somehow they had found out where I lived” thought Oris. He crouched with the door cracked open just enough to see and hear what was going on.

“We were told that a boy named Oris lived here is that true” said one of the intruders.

“No it isn’t, in fact I don’t even know if there is a boy with that name anywhere around here. Why? Has the kings own soldiers been defeated by some mere child and want retribution” said his father.

“No it’s just that he was caught stealing property yesterday that belonged to a hunter and we would just like to talk to him calmly, he will not be injured in any way.”

“What property is this that he stole, no one in this village has ever stolen from anyone else here.”

“He must be here somewhere, you too talk alike. Fine if you won’t tell us then maybe you will if your life is in danger.”

“You kill me, hahaha don’t make me laugh. You couldn’t even handle a kid so how do you expect to handle a full grown man.”

As Oris watched from his bedroom he was stunned to see the soldiers pull out their swords and then when they went to strike the old man. He had a sword in the air already, swinging it through the air at them. How could his father move with such speed, he thought? Even though his father was able to dispatch one of them he forgot about the other and was quickly stabbed though the gut with the soldier’s sword. As the soldiers left he waited until they were well out of ear shot before going to his father. He got there and could tell right away that it was clearly too late to save him now. All that his father had energy to do was to look him in the eye and say go find Validus and he will help you and be able to explain everything to you. Before Oris could ask any questions about who or where Validus was his father had died in his arms.


Feel free to give C&C and i shuld have the next chapter up soon.


Last edited by Keith on Sun May 16, 2010 12:20 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: my story. title open for suggestions   Sat May 15, 2010 5:11 pm

Rofl Little smart mouth!
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PostSubject: Re: my story. title open for suggestions   Sat May 15, 2010 8:43 pm

Okokokok, Something you really need to do.

Break the chapters up into Paragraphs.
Do you realize how hard that is to read?

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PostSubject: Re: my story. title open for suggestions   Sun May 16, 2010 9:05 am

I could only see 2 things you could improve on right now, (Except your desc and all but everyone has to improve that(Except maybe ESB from IF)) Your length, it could be longer...And try and space out your work a little, for exemple;

"Hi, my name is Matt"

"Oh hi"

Space out conversations, you have one full post to fill! Razz




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PostSubject: Re: my story. title open for suggestions   Sun May 16, 2010 12:18 pm

Thanks for the comments. I will fix the paragraphs on the other chapters. I will keep those things in mind. Here is the next chapter. Length has never been my strong suit and neither has grammer and punctuation. This one is a little shorter than the last one and the next couple are short as well but the lenght does pick up. Chapter 4 is about 3 pages and 5 is longer. that is 3 pages typed.



Chapter 2

“My father is dead and I have a soldier looking for me I guess I really don’t have much of a choice but to go looking for this Validus person” thought Oris. After hearing all the commotion a group of people were staring to show up and see that there was a sword on the ground next to a dead body and talk about Oris killing his own father had already begun to go around the group. Oris stood up and announced “this was not me it was those wreched soldiers. If you don’t believe me then why, there is also a dead soldier here they were coming and looking for me because they wanted to kill me for something that I was said to have done. How they even found me I have no idea but I know someone that might, has anyone ever heard of someone by the Validus.” As he said the name of the unknown man everyone looked as though they have seen a ghost. “What did I say to get this look from so many people?” One lonely man stepped forward and said “have you never heard the legend of King Treabea, young one.”
All Oris could do was look the man in the eye and shake his head no while saying “I have only heard his name and I know only that he died and King Leander stole the throne because the king didn’t have any children of his own to rule.”

“Well then let me share his story with you, but I will not tell it in public” Oris motioned with his hands for the man to follow him inside his house. “First I would like to know your name so that I know what to call you since I haven’t seen you around here before” said Oris, as he sat down in the chair at the head of the little table motioning for his guest to follow suit.

“Well my name is Entis, you wouldn’t have seen me around much since I am a trader and the only person in this land who is brave enough or maybe dumb enough to be willing to tell this tale to you. It all started about 200 years ago when King Treabea went to see a fortune teller, now many people don’t believe that they can really see the future but this one is said to be a real fortune telling and a curse all at the same time. The telling read that you will be dethroned and killed by an evil man and he will seek to destroy everything in order to make himself king but there is only one way to stop him and that is by finding a way for your first born to be spared and kept away from the city so that he will only be found when the time is right. After hearing this fortune he set out and told his trusted friend about this fortune and what was to come. When he gave his first born son to his friend, he was reluctant to let him go because it was after all only one person saying something that might or might not happen but he didn’t want to take that chance. So after persuading his friend and telling him what to do his friend took the child away from the castle and neither one was ever heard from again. Now you might ask what does Validus have anything to do with this, well Validus was the king trusted friend.”

After Entis finished the story Oris looked at him like he was nuts because King Leander didn’t kill someone to take the throne and so he brought this to Entis who just said “that is only what the king wants you to think but most people know the truth of the story and very few are brave enough to tell anyone about it. Since I came in here and told you this story I think I deserve an explanation on why and where you heard that name.”

“Ok so now I guess it’s my turn to tell the story” replied Oris. “Yesterday I was out hunting and shot a young buck and was dragging it back to my house here when 2 soldiers stopped me and thought that I was stealing it when in truth they just wanted it themselves. They started to give chase to me when I threatened them with my bow because they were trying to take my deer which would have been my dinner. They chased me back to the forest where I hide up in the trees from them and they couldn’t find me so they left the forest and before I could go get my deer they had taken it from where I left it. Then they showed up this morning and wanted to know where I was and couldn’t find a way to get my father to tell them anything about me, so they killed him but not before he could get one of them too. They left quickly before searching the house because a crowd was sure to hear the noise and come to see what it was. Before my father dies though I was able to hear his last words which were, “go find Validus he will explain everything and answer all your questions.” He died before I was able to get anything more from him.”

“Well that settles that lets go” said Entis.

“Where are we going” said Oris?

“Don’t ask questions that I can’t answer very well but if Validus is still alive then he can help us kill this king and may even know where to find the descendent of King Trabea, if the story is indeed true.”

“Well where do we start maybe we should go down the river and see where that takes us?”

“Sounds good to me.”

All coments are welcome the good, the bad, and the ugly.


Last edited by Keith on Sun May 16, 2010 9:11 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: my story. title open for suggestions   Sun May 16, 2010 9:06 pm

You said " wrecked soldiers" I think you meant wreched soldiers.

Entis <-> Entei

lol very close.
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PostSubject: Re: my story. title open for suggestions   Sun May 16, 2010 9:19 pm

Thanks I just fixed that.
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PostSubject: Re: my story. title open for suggestions   Wed May 19, 2010 8:54 pm

Im sorry abotu how short this one is I just couldnt think of another way to strecth it and the chapter after it and the one before cant really be the same chapters with it.

Chapter 3
The Journey Begins

It was morning now and when the sun came up Entis came walking in the room in a hurry. “Get up we are leaving at this very moment grab what you can carry that is all we will get food and supplies at the next port” said Entis through a hurried voice. He grabbed Oris and pulled him to his feet after dumping a bucket of water on him to get him up.

“why are we leaving in such a hurry” was all that Oris had to say before he heard people that sounded like they had armor on running outside and all he could hear outside was shouts saying something to the affect of “how’d the soldiers die, who killed them.” It seemed that no one was willing to give them an answer but they all knew how and why they were killed but they didn’t let the soldiers know that for they knew if they did then Oris wouldn’t stand a chance of surviving.

“I’m ready lets go before someone tells them that we killed them.” Which wasn’t true and some of them knew it but most didn’t believe the story that Oris had told them the night before, when it had happened.

“Then we are off right now, let’s go out the back so we are not spotted. I already have the boat ready for us. But the only problem is it’s not very big so it won’t be able to take us very far” said Entis.

Before they could make it to the boat the soldiers found them sneaking towards the shore of the
river and when they were asked by the soldiers if they knew what happened they had no choice to deny it but just as the soldier was about to let them continue on their way, the second soldier that was in the house when it happened saw Oris and recognized him as the one with the deer and quickly said to the other soldiers asking the questions, “good job you were able to find the boy, now don’t let him escape he murdered one man already and stole one deer from a poor innocent hunter.” As the soldiers started to come at them they made a run to the boats just getting there in time, but were unable to get it in the water before the men arrived with their swords out. Oris quickly realized they only had one choice left and that was to fight. As Oris started to pull his father’s sword out from the sheath Entis had already had his axe out and was swinging it violently at the soldiers chopping off two of their heads but got his axe blocked by the third. Oris had finally gotten the sword out and swung at the soldiers mid section hoping to do some kind of damage but the soldier was too quick for him and knocked the sword away and to the ground but in the process of knocking away the sword, the soldier left his other side open and Entis was able to hit him in the side with his axe killing the soldier almost instantly.

The fight created all kinds of noise which allowed the other soldiers in the town to come running trying to figure out what was going on but by the time they got there the two had already put out from shore and was out of the soldiers reach.

They knew they had to hurry because the soldiers would be getting into boats to follow them so they got out the oars and started to paddle as quickly as possible. After a day of traveling and eating almost nothing but the few pieces of bread that Entis had thought about bringing for the journey, they had finally come across a port city called Ferocia.

As they were getting closer to the city, they saw a huge ship with many soldiers on board and chasing after them and they realized instantly that the ship belonged to the soldiers that were from Pagitim.

I knew this was short but i didnt realize how short until i reread it. I will probably post the next couple soon liek the next couple of days. Please give me feed back. All kinds are welcome.
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PostSubject: Re: my story. title open for suggestions   Wed May 19, 2010 9:08 pm

It was good, short and sweet.
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PostSubject: Re: my story. title open for suggestions   Sun May 23, 2010 9:31 pm

Chapter 4
The Soldiers and The Rebels

When they arrived all they could hear was noise from the upcoming ship and the yells from the people on board it. “Stop them, stop them. They are wanted and dangerous men.” It’s just a good thing that they were too far off for the townspeople to understand them just yet, so they were able to make landfall and they were met by a person with a short brown beard and medium length brown hair. He asked them “what are your names travelers” in a hopeful sounding voice.

“He is called Entis and I am Oris. What is your name sir?” asked Oris.

“People call me Macto” he said. “So your Oris are you. Who was you father Oris?” He asked with a touch of surprise in his voice but neither person thought anything of it. “My father’s name was Rector” responded Oris with a wondering voice. “Why do you want to no that may I ask?”

“Are those soldiers shouting about the two of you” knowing full well that they were indeed. “Quickly follow me I will take you to my house on the outskirts of this place where we can talk freely” said Macto hastily.
Oris looked back at the ship which was almost to the city and he could clearly hear the yells from here. “Stop them, they are dangerous criminals. They have killed the king’s men and are now on the run from other soldiers.” They quickly turned back to Macto and realized that they didn’t have a choice, but to follow this guy and hope he can really help them. So they followed him avoiding all soldiers that appeared to be everywhere. Eventually they made it to the edge of the city and walked out the gated which were for some reason left unguarded. They then traveled over a few hills and saw a little shack at the bottom of one of them with 3 horses outside of it. “Is there someone else living here with you” asked Oris? Macto looked towards the place and then back at Oris and finally after looking at the ground for a very long time he said “there used to be but they are both long gone, I only still have the horses because it is the only thing that I still have that belonged to them.”

“I’m sorry” responded Oris. Looking on towards the shack hoping to see something else out the ordinary, but was quickly disappointed. When they finally arrived at the shack they were asked to come in and when they did they found a fireplace that was unlit until Macto could put some wood in it and get a fire going. There was also two windows, one facing east and the other facing west, so that he could get sunlight during the morning and afternoon. “Now can you tell me why you wanted to know who my father was?”

Macto looked at Oris and said “yes I will tell you but first I must tell you a story before you are able to fully understand the importance of who your father is.” He then looked back at the fire as if trying to remember something.

“A long time ago there was a curse that was said by the king of old, the one before King Leander. It was spoken just before the king placed the final blow that ended the time of peace and prosperity that the land had had for over five hundred years. This curse that was spoken was said directly to King Leander and what the curse said is not known to any living man except two of them, one being Leander himself and the other a man by the name of Validus. Most people have never heard of this man, but he was the trusted advisor and best friend to King Treabea. In this legend the king supposedly asked Validus to take his only son to a faraway place where no one will ever be able to find him, then go and when the time is right reveal yourself to him but not before for the wrong timing could put many people’s lives in danger, and that is what we are trying to avoid. According to legend his descendent and rightful heir to the throne is alive somewhere and is even said by some to come from a small village in the north but that no one knows for sure except one. What many people don’t know is that this person, Validus is still alive and awaiting the arrival of the one that is too dethrone Leander and take his rightful place on the throne. What does your father have anything to do with all of this is that, your father, Rector was the name of one of the descendents of the old king, which would in turn make you the last living descendent and heir to the throne. I know all of this because I was told about this by Validus before he left this place. He did not die it’s just that circumstances called for him to leave. Too many people were asking too many questions, but I do know where to find him and together we shall do just that. At daybreak we will leave for the mountains to the east, so get some rest Oris and Entis, for we leave when the sun comes up.
They were awoken by the smell of smoke and the sounds of cheers. All around them could see flames. They quickly grabbed what they could like their weapons, and scurried out the door only to be met by 5 soldiers who had their swords out and were ready to attack. They men were too slow by, by the time they had gotten to even Macto, he had his sword out and was striking them down with lightning fast speed and agility, that which Oris had never seen. As fast as he was, he still could not stop them all before they got to Entis. Entis swung his axe at the man but got his axe blocked by the sword then was struck down by a quick stab to the gut. Oris saw this and with his sword swung so hard and fast that he could hardly see his own arm move and before he knew it the soldiers head was lopped off and rolling on the ground in a huge puddle of blood. After Macto had killed the last soldier Oris looked at him in surprise and asked “how was I able to move so fast, how is anyone able to move that fast, even my father is possessed that speed before he was killed.”

“This speed is a gift young Oris, it is one that only Validus can tell you about and how to control it, for if used wrong it can lead many people astray and get them thinking they are invincible. Which as you have seen, you are not”

“Well I think that word got out that we are here we need to get to Validus as fast as we possibly can and without more losses if we can help it. You said he was in the mountains to the east. Do you know exactly where at in the mountains?”

“No I do not, but if we get to the mountains he will find us and hopefully will recognize me, otherwise he will kill us both without hesitation if we can’t provide him with proof as to who we are.” Off they went to the east and the mountains. They traveled for two days, only resting at night. On the third day the mountains came into view. But so did some soldiers as well. “How’d they find us so fast?” asked Oris.

“I have no idea” replied Macto. “They must really want to kill us. Our only hope against that many men is to make it to the mountains and hope that Validus comes to the rescue”

“I hope this guy is really as good as you say, because we will need him to fend off this many trained men.” Just as he said that an arrow went soaring through the air only to hit the tree that was right next to them. “It is a warning shot Validus has spotted us but we must keep pushing onward” said Macto. They continued to ride to the mountains with extreme haste. All the while the soldiers were closing in on them and Macto was waving his arms like a mad man trying to get Validus’s attention and trying not to get himself killed.

When they finally reached the mountains they were met by a guy on a white horse, holding his bow steadily on them. “Validus we have come to seek your help, I have with me the true heir to the throne. The one that you were supposed to train and protect, the time has come to fulfill your duty, so will you please help us.” With that last word Validus turned his bow to the oncoming mass of people and shot the arrow straight into the lead rider killing him instantly. “Come Macto and I will give you shelter, but even I can’t defeat so many enemies alone and even with one other trained person but I can still help you in other ways. If you go behind those trees over there, there is a path that leads up to where I am take your bow and aim high. The two of us may be able to kill many before they even get close enough to see who we are. Up here there is also a cave that Oris can hide in until the soldiers pass through here looking for you.” With that the two rode quickly to the indicated path and Macto started to shoot with Validus both of them killing many soldiers until there was only a few left and the soldiers thinking that there were many people in the mountains tuned tail and rode back to town.


This is the last chapter that I have done at this time so I will not be able to post them as fast but I will be posting them and I am aiming for one a week if i can get time.

C&C appreciated. I would like to know what I can improve on.
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PostSubject: Re: my story. title open for suggestions   Sun May 23, 2010 9:40 pm

Much better, those details make all the difference and add a fair bit of length. The fight scene was much better than your previous attempts so it goes to show your improving.
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PostSubject: Re: my story. title open for suggestions   Wed Jun 02, 2010 8:37 pm

Chapter 5
Validus
As they stood there watching the soldiers ride off into the distance, Validus turned to Oris who was coming out of the cave because the two stopped firing arrows. “Hello there Oris my name is Validus.” Oris looked at Validus in surprise trying to figure out how Validus could possibly know his name, and when he couldn’t figure it out, he looked at Validus and asked “how is it that you know my name when I have only heard of you once or twice” asked Oris”

“All will be revealed when we get to my camp” responded Validus. So Validus motioned for the two people to follow him. They traveled into the forest on the mountain and followed him along a very narrow path that Oris was sure if Validus hadn’t been leading the way he would never have even saw the trail to know where to go. After a few hours of going between trees and over the tops of a few of the mountains they finally arrived at a little site with a small shelter that looked like a teepee. There were animal bones scraped dry and sitting by the fire drying out to be used for traps for any people that might come in to the camp site accidently. There were hides hanging from tree branches. It looked just like a old campsite that you would here about in stories of how people used to live but never really thought that they could be real. The three of them got off their horses and sat next to the fire pit. Validus then started the fire by striking a couple of rocks together but just before the fire started Oris could have sworn that Validus muttered something under his breath, but before he could say anything about what he might have heard, Macto asked Validus if he has been having problems in the mountains. Validus responded “now is not the time for those stories for war will soon be upon us, it is finally time for the king to meet his match.”

“What match might this be” asked Oris?

“Has Macto not told you anything yet? I guess that I will have to tell you myself then” stated Validus. “When your father was a baby I was asked to take him to a village far away from the castle and hide out around there watching over and taking care of him, because he was the kingdoms only hope to survive. So I did just that by taking a secret passage out of the king’s chamber that leads out of the city going underground. No one knew about this route except the king and his most trusted advisors. The king would have came with but he said that he had to stay too give us some time and maybe defeat Leander, which as you know did not happen. Just before the fight took place as I was leaving the king was seeing me off and a fortune teller came up to the king and said a prophecy that was sure to come true. That very fortune teller was slaughtered after that by the very same person that killed king Treabea. That prophecy said that if the king is murdered then the person that murdered him, would be killed by one of his descendents. The king warned Leander but he did not heed the warning and went on to kill the king anyway sealing his own fate. As I was traveling I ran into Macto who also worked for the king and was believed to be dead because he disappeared with no one being able to know where he went. It turns out he was searching for something that only the King was to know about, but the king never heard from him so Macto was assumed dead. When I ran into him he told me what had happened to the king and the city. We then started to travel together and came across a a small village where we took your father and cared for him in a small little building that we built from the woods just outside the village. We raised him and when he got bigger we taught him to control the amazing speed that he had, that all of us here have. We will in time teach you to do it as well.”

“I have this power within me? Are you sure? Im just a simple villager. How could I possibly be related to the king of old let alone his desecndent.” Replied Oris in shock.

“Yes we are sure that you will have it someday and we cannot teach it to you until you learn to do it on your own before we can even begin to explain to you how it works. No you are not just a simple little village person. You are the true heir to the throne. I am sure of this because you have been watched through your entire life.” Said Validus.

“I’ve been watched my entire life?” Asked Oris as he was shocked yet again.

“Yes the man who you knew as your father was one of the most trusted people that I knew and vowed to
keep watch on you until the day he died and it would seem he kept that promise” answered Validus.
Oris thought this through and tried to think of another question but before he could ask it Validus had put up a hand to silence him because he heard something outside of the cleared area in the trees. Macto turned because he heard it too but Oris strained his ears to try to hear something he was unable to hear anything.

“Get up kid” Macto said in a hurry “We got company.”


Sorry abotu how short this one is. It was jsut mainly me trying to give some background about the situation and I debated about putting the next scence here but realized that it could get long and then the title for the chapter wouldnt realyl make much sense anymore.

The next chapter will be up in a few days with any luck. I have exams next week and I want to get it up before then. Until then though please C&C this one.
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PostSubject: Re: my story. title open for suggestions   Sat Sep 04, 2010 6:23 pm

Yeah...Sorry I didn't comment in awhile, I hadn't noticed the updates!! :[

You're good Keith...You're really good...I'll give you a spot at the Hall of Fame Nominees xD

What I think is the best of your strengths, is description, you really make it real.
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PostSubject: Re: my story. title open for suggestions   Sat Sep 04, 2010 6:26 pm

Sorry everyone that I havent updated it as I have lost my file somewhere in the computer. I didnt have a written copy of this so I am trying to come up with what I had somewhere on here. If I cant find it then I need to read this again myself and go from there. The next part could change from what I wanted depending if I can find teh file again. AGH i hate my computer.
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PostSubject: Re: my story. title open for suggestions   Sat Sep 04, 2010 9:34 pm

Well I was able to find the file finally. It wasnt deleted but it was moved. I finished the chapter but wasnt able to make it as long as I had wanted. Sorry about the shortness.

Chapter 6
The Flight Begins

As the seconds ticked by Oris could hear hooves beating the ground. It sounded like that of a major thunder storm in the distance. The rumble was just barely audible to him. Then all of a sudden a giant wind blew hard outside as the hooves drove past the hut.

“How many of them are there Validus?”

“Im not sure Macto but there are a lot. A better question would be is how did they find us?” Answered Validus.

“Yea you are right on that one old friend. So what are we doing now?

“Well we cant run away from that many horses on foot and even I can not defeat them all, with ot without your help.”

As the three men sat and tried to figure out what they were going to do, the horses kept on pounding towards them and passed them. Soon the pounding started to slow down as they surrounded the hut. All of the horses then stopped save for one. This one horse was a giant black horse that wore bright and shiny armour. Atop of the horse was a man who was completely covered from head to toe in black shiny armour. He walked his horse forward to the hut and called out.

“VALIDUS!!! Come out. We have the place surrounded, there is no escape.”

Inside the hut there was no sound at all. All around the place all that was heard was the huffing of the horses but nothing from the hut. The hut looked like it was abandoned a long time ago but the man knew people were inside because he could smell the fire that was lite.

Out of the corner of his eye he caught a movement inside the window. Watchign the window carefully he stared for a moment. Seeing what was going on in the hut he quickly turned tail and charged his horse into the nearby trees on the otherside of the clearing. As he did this the house looked like it exploded. Black smoke was thrown out the windows and blown all over the place. The grass in the clearing was now covered in a thick layer of black soot from the exlosion.

“hurry up Oris, we have to get out of here before this smoke clears.”

“Im coming, im coming. What was that anyways?”

“That was a trick I learned from your father himself.” Answered Validus, It’s a mixture of a yellow substance called sulfur by many and something else. It gives the illusion of an explosion but instead gives you cover from others that are seeking you.”

“Who were those people?”

“Those people were lead by someone almost as evil as the king himself. His name is Valcan and has been trying to find me for the king for years. He is known for pillaging through villages and setting them ablaze because he can.”

“This man needs to be killed, along with the king.”

“Yes he does but we need to hurry or we will be caught”
As the three run for the trees they run into one of the horses that was standing there in the smoke still. Quickly throwing the rider off the horse they run for cover but it was too late. Hurry Valcan, their over here. As the smoke cleared they were disspearing into the woods but the horses were already on full charge.

“quick, said validus, there is a place up ahead where we can hide from these people”
The three ran fast and then faster yet and soon they were upon the place, After a quick few words that were spoken that Oris could not understand a little opening appeared to them. They quickly ducked inside to a underground hid out that was lit by torches on the walls.

“What is this place?” Oris and Macto asked at once to Validus.

“This, my friends, Is the ancient dungeon that your father Oris, was sent through to escape capture from the king. This place is called the forsaken dungeon.”


Well like I said, I know its short. Any comments on it is appreciated so plase post them. Dont forget to vote on the poll either. Thanks
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PostSubject: Re: my story. title open for suggestions   Mon Sep 06, 2010 2:02 pm

It is a good story but you need to improve on several things. You need longer chapters. More descriptions and emotions. Also your story is moving along to fast. The plot is good but try to drag it out a bit.


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PostSubject: Re: my story. title open for suggestions   Mon Sep 06, 2010 3:38 pm

Ok thanks ass, I will try to do that. I know that I need longer ones but I am trying to figure out how to do it.
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