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 Nap's works

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Naptime
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Sun Jun 20, 2010 7:45 pm

As we fall down to the ground
We make not a bloody sound

Watching as our lives go by
Not even having the strength to cry

My goal is as it was; to make them see
to see the wrong, and to set us free

Sitting in our personal hells
our bodies;mortal cells

breaking the binding chain
marked and brutal and insane
----------------
Standing alone, my back to the wind I listen for the possums song
The beats are echoing and assure me I am not wrong

That my efforts are not wasted and dumb
what tells me this is the possum songs strum

The music lulls me into a rest long and deep
when the danger is gone I shall awaken from my sleep
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Artrain
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Mon Jun 21, 2010 2:10 am

Naptime wrote:
thanks for the comments :o in all honesty I never really had any faith in my poetry before, but after posting it on a few sites i'm gonna have to say i'm not as bad as I had thought...xP
You're mad if you thought you were bad Razz

Naptime wrote:

As we fall down to the ground
We make not a bloody sound

Watching as our lives go by
Not even having the strength to cry

My goal is as it was; to make them see
to see the wrong, and to set us free

Sitting in our personal hells
our bodies;mortal cells

breaking the binding chain
marked and brutal and insane
----------------
Standing alone, my back to the wind I listen for the possums song
The beats are echoing and assure me I am not wrong

That my efforts are not wasted and dumb
what tells me this is the possum songs strum

The music lulls me into a rest long and deep
when the danger is gone I shall awaken from my sleep
Nice ones these. First one seemed pure allegory, next one was based on something very metaphorical, but the meaning in them was there to see.

What stuck out this time though that the rhyming looked a bit forced and it took toll on the rhythm. The endings also seemed to be a little abrupt, like you haven't completely these poems.

But thas not much bothering at all. I just thought I should get to doing some nonsense critiquing Razz Enjoyed reading them both. Continue writing up...

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Naptime
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Mon Jun 21, 2010 9:23 am

sorry bout that...i composed that one when i was dead tired :x...ill probably end up rewriting it, so please wait until then^^
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Artrain
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Tue Jun 22, 2010 2:20 am

Sure if you are going to re-write then I'll definitely read. But I'm guilty of reading them when I was dead tired too. Really, if you think that you have written what you felt, then nothing can beat that. Awesome stuff Nappy... Awesome

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Naptime
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Fri Jul 02, 2010 11:36 pm

the dreaded day is looming near
a day you all should really fear

this day is coming really soon
maybe ending in total ruin

watch carefully and then run
but for me this day shall be fun

why you ask, the answer is easy
heres a hint, eat some cake till your queasy

want another hint to guess
well my house will be a huge mess

if you havent guessed then say hooray
for soon it shall be my 18th birthday




-----

wrote this outta boredom and anticipation :x
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Mozzie
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Sat Jul 03, 2010 1:21 am

O_O LOL Nap! That's very cool! I love everything about that latest poem. At first, I thought you were talking about the dooms day until I read the end... Well done! Awesome

P.S Are we invited? JK tongue
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Artrain
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Sat Jul 03, 2010 5:50 am

cheers Fantastic!!! Wonderful poem Nap! Worship That was such fun to read ^_^ I'm gunna take this poem as an invitation and gatecrash teh parteh... tongue

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Thorned Hope
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Sat Jul 03, 2010 5:38 pm

Lol. That was very amusing. Good job, Nap. And...Im invited right? I mean....GG and Artrain..are ok..but I'm full of awesomeness. Razz
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Naptime
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Tue Jul 06, 2010 9:29 am

Gray and lifeless is this life
filled with bored and untold strife

the flow has stopped, all but trying
for who's affection are we vying?

our blood has been spilled on the ground
the very same we shall disappear into without a sound

what was our ungodly crime
to have this live, to serve our time

for if life were not a punishment or threat
we would have no fear of death, I bet

rambling here, mumbling there
really, how is this fair

to live free and to die without a care
honestly death gives me quite a scare

but enough with that im just plain mad
thinking now this is just sad

rhymes and rhythm make a piece not
for this is a real piece o-- well it should just rot

well i grow tired of sitting here pondering this or that
so ill go out, explore, when i find something ill report it stat.
-----

so i made this completely outta boredom :D it was more of a freewrite than a poem but oh well :x
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Mozzie
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Tue Jul 06, 2010 9:34 am

Oh wow!! Very Awesome poem, NAp!! The best thing I like about your poem is how the words ryhme in the end. It seems very natural.. Well done!! :D Btw, the theme of that ^ poem was GREAT! :D
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Artrain
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Tue Jul 06, 2010 9:49 am

*laughs* That was strange Napster. You started out with a melancholy tone, but ended it with something much closer to sarcasm. Enjoyed reading it. Amazing rhyming as always...

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Naptime
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Wed Jul 07, 2010 12:36 am

for once imma gonna name one (i only do if they're important to me)

Simply Said:

i cannot say it directly but you are my knife
that is if i were going to end my life

if ever there is upon your face a frown
it shall turn my world upside down

when i joke and you smile
i know up till then has been worthwhile

when you're away and with him
my mood will always be somewhat grim

the one you love is my friend; my brother
in all things but father and mother

this is why i hold my voice
because really i do not have a choice

my feelings for you are completely true
and believe me, they're only for you

but alas i cannot try
because all in all it'd make you cry

and i promised that i would never do
anything that would sadden you

for it is you i work and strive
because when i see you i feel alive

but i know it would never be
for you love him and not me

so in the dark ill stay and die
for you were the only one i try

you laugh calms me so
to easy bliss from blackened woe

if i were to write this as a note
he would surely slit my throat

for as i said he is my closest friend
but to pursue you would mean the end

i guess i should end this here
and go rest and ponder in fear

far to many hints ive said
so a discovery is soon; so i dread

with your discovery thus closes the door
because youll hate me forever more

to end this burning there is no way
so i shall let go and myself shall sway

left alone ill be torn to shreds
by my thoughts that find me in my bed

but alas i guess im done
for my sanity is almost gone....

btw :x this is reeeaaaaalllly old, like almost 2 years, just wanted to let ya guys know xP


Last edited by Naptime on Fri Jul 23, 2010 12:43 am; edited 1 time in total
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Mozzie
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Wed Jul 07, 2010 1:43 am

O.o Nap, I think I know the story behind this poem. :[ It's sad. I can say that the author's true emotions has been released to this poem. It makes me weep. :[
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Artrain
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Wed Jul 07, 2010 5:17 am

Brilliant. Incredible feeling Napster. One of your most expressive compositions, I must say. Tragic... but... well nicely done. Just a suggestion I'd like to give, of the sort which I normally refrain from giving, but I'll say it here. Those that are made for you, won't go for anyone else. I'd like it if you took something from that. Keep writing...

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Naptime
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Fri Jul 16, 2010 8:57 am

soo :x ill be posting something new soon but just wanted ta let ya guys know :o i found the term for the basis of my style :O, heroic couplet. Learned it in english class :x

edit: nvm :x poetry is an emotional thing :x so yea..no basis for my style
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The Drunken Hobo
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Fri Jul 16, 2010 9:08 am

Robert Frost uses that in one of his poems The tuft of flowers. But isn't a heroic couplet two lines of iambic pentameter that rhyme and i think iambic pentameter means all lines must have 10 syllables.
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Fri Jul 23, 2010 1:34 am

letting the music take me where it may
i watch the spirits in their gentle sway

as the music picks up the spirits dance
beautiful enough to put me in a trance

i was carried away into a world not my own
the cares of life, to me, were not known

knowing my time amongst them was at its end
as a parting gift, they said but one word: "friend"

returning to the world i had forsaken and forgotten
noticing that while i had left it had become rotten

this world in which i was left to see
was broken and what else could it be?

so i left my home once again to travel this place
to find a way, to lift this disgrace

a shame of our home has stricken me so
because, if you seen the spirits, you'll know

that this world is tainted to the core
a corruption devouring more and more

so i leave you here and now with this:
we have but only one more chance at bliss

so we must not lose it to any form or thing
for one day, we may be able to hear the spirits sing


Last edited by Naptime on Fri Jul 23, 2010 1:37 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : fixed some spelling issues :x)
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Mozzie
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Fri Jul 23, 2010 1:59 am

O____O Thats very awesome, Nap!! :D....errr..TO be honest, I don't know what else there is to say aside from the fact that I like reading your poem. I love the ryhming and the theme, dude! cheers
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Artrain
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Fri Jul 23, 2010 3:33 am

Beautiful Nap. Just beautiful. I'd say without a doubt one of your best writings yet. The rhyming, the rhythm, came very easily. The descriptions were incredible. There was a certain straightforwardness and simplicity to the poem which belied the depth to which the thoughts went. Made a fantastic read. And good to see you were able to come on today... Smile

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Naptime
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Mon Sep 20, 2010 7:49 pm

Let me tell you the tale of a boy with hair of brown
one who seemed to always smile; to ne'er frown

This boy had eyes of forested green
alight with a most curious gleam

he was known to wander around
almost never making not a sound

just one day he wandered hither
and the next he went thither

and one day this boy, he found a door
and once he passed through he was seen no more

gone to a place that was not his own
in that world he found a home

as the days went by he felt struck with insanity
to want to leave to see his friends and family

so he wandered once again hither
and eventually he made his way to thither

seeking and looking the old oak door
that he would pass through and be seen ne'er more

at this door he found a note
on it his name someone had wrote

as he read it he made a peculiar frown
for they wrote "Let me tell you the tale of a boy with hair of brown"
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Mozzie
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:31 am

O.o I... I don't really know what to say with this one. I think its really good. Metaphors are in in their right place and the rhymes are constant. Well-written, Nap. :D
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Naptime
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Tue Sep 21, 2010 1:21 am

thanks, I actually feel like I forced this one a bit :x but that may be just me ><

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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Tue Sep 21, 2010 1:36 am

LOL! No problem..it's really good in my opinion. And I assume, the guy in your poem is you? NO, I kid, I kid... xD
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Naptime
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Wed Sep 22, 2010 12:17 am

Actually this is a heavily edited version of a poem I had to write in english class :x the poem was supposed to be about me (but I hate stuff about me) so before posting it up here I started to change little things but before I knew it, it took on a life of its own (as all things usually do @_@)
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PostSubject: Re: Nap's works   Wed Sep 22, 2010 12:49 am

Rofl...well, thats why poems are kinda like the mirror to ones soul... Or so I think as well.. LOL xD
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