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 So...yeah...

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Old Amsterdam
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PostSubject: So...yeah...   Sat Jun 05, 2010 3:30 pm

So this is my first ever attempt at a song, and I haven't finished it yet...but I thought you guys might like to see what I've come up with (and no one's done a song on here yet so...)...

*deep breath* here we go...oh wait, I should mention it has no title yet. So now here we go:

Untitled

There once was a boy
And there once was a girl
Little did they realize that
Their life was a whirl.

He likes her
And she likes him
But how were they to know
That it was down to a whim?

For there they go
Walking on by
Not giving a thought
To the way life flies.

That was months ago
And now they're gone
Living separate lives
Nursing broken bonds.

For how were they to know
That life would rush on by
Leaving them behind
Making them wonder why.

For there once was a boy
And there once was a girl
But little did they realize that
Their lives were a whirl.

Now not a day passes
Where he doesn't think of her
And his heart feels
Just as sure.

And now she
Night by night
She watches for
His bedroom light.

Then one day
Amid the laughter
They realized they wanted
To be happy ever-after.

For here they go
Stealing life
As it goes by
With little strife.

For there's this boy
And there's this girl
Little do they realize that
Their lives are a whirl.

One summer day
They stand still
The noble duo
Atop a moving hill.

She is in white
He in black
Both have promised
Top never let their love slack.

There they are
Her hands in his
As they lean close and
Enact the loving kiss.

Now there they go
They have gone
Living one life
Sharing one bond.

For that was a boy
And that was a girl
Who never cared that
Their lives leapt and swirled.

Learn from their story
And share the love
And then go and
Release your Dove.
----------
Note: still not done. There are more verses I want to add somewhere...
----------

I'm still writing on it, but that's what I have thus far. Sorry for the lack of punctuation, but I don't want to mess with it until I'm all done.

So, whatcha think?

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Last edited by Rain Stinks on Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:46 am; edited 1 time in total
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Sophia
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PostSubject: Re: So...yeah...   Sat Jun 05, 2010 3:37 pm

Okay, I really love the verses, definitley not an expert songwriter by the way so you don't have to listen to a word I say.
It tells a great story and it has a sort of rhythm of flowingness to the words.
I don't like the word 'whirl' in this context, it sounds a bit odd to me but other than that it really is a brilliant song or start to a song. Especially since you've never done this before.
And don't listen to me about the whirl thing really, I know it sounds stupid. Sorry.
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Old Amsterdam
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PostSubject: Re: So...yeah...   Sat Jun 05, 2010 3:39 pm

Nah, I can use all the advice/help I can get with this...

The way the story it's supposed to convey is going, is where I'm stuck currently. I need to get it from them being apart, thinking of each other, to them meeting up and falling back in love.

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Thorned Hope
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PostSubject: Re: So...yeah...   Sat Jun 05, 2010 4:04 pm

Rain Stinks wrote:
So this is my first ever attempt at a song, and I haven't finished it yet...but I thought you guys might like to see what I've come up with (and no one's done a song on here yet so...)...

*deep breath* here we go...oh wait, I should mention it has no title yet. So now here we go:

Untitled

There once was a boy
And there once was a girl
Little did they realize that
Their life was a whirl.

He likes her
And she likes him
But how were they to know
That it was down to a whim?

For there they go
Walking on by
Not giving a thought
To the way life flies.

That was months ago
And now they're gone
Living separate lives
Nursing broken bonds.

For how were they to know
That life would rush on by
Leaving them behind
Making them wonder why.

For there once was a boy
And there once was a girl
But little did they realize that
Their lives were a whirl.

Now not a day passes
Where he doesn't think of her
And his heart feels
Just as sure.

----------

I'm still writing on it, but that's what I have thus far. Sorry for the lack of punctuation, but I don't want to mess with it until I'm all done.

So, whatcha think?

Well dont work on it no more. That was amazing. It had rhyming which kept me entertained, good rhythm too. But most of all, it was a small/ short poem and you grasped the feeling. Great job, 5 stars. cheers Though to me...it sounds better as a poem, just saying.
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Old Amsterdam
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PostSubject: Re: So...yeah...   Mon Jun 07, 2010 10:15 am

Well, thanks...

So you think I should just leave it as is?

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Mozzie
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PostSubject: Re: So...yeah...   Mon Jun 07, 2010 10:56 am

Ehh... I dunno, really. That is up to you but if you ask me, I like you to finish it. Smile Great composition btw. *grins*
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Old Amsterdam
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PostSubject: Re: So...yeah...   Mon Jun 07, 2010 1:39 pm

Heh, I worked a few hours worth on it, trying to get it to look good and stuff...

You know, I think I will try to finish it...

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Old Amsterdam
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PostSubject: Re: So...yeah...   Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:42 am

Updated, I'll just edit it into the original post, actually, on second thoughts....

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PostSubject: Re: So...yeah...   Fri Jun 25, 2010 2:42 pm

WHOA!! Is it finished?? cheers I like it. Somehow, while I was reading that, a rap song was kinda playing inside my head.. XD
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Old Amsterdam
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PostSubject: Re: So...yeah...   Mon Jun 28, 2010 7:58 pm

*laughs*

Well, thanks...I think.

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So...yeah...

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