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 Freedom's Flame

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Join date : 2010-03-15
Posts : 4

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PostSubject: Freedom's Flame   Freedom's Flame Icon_minitimeWed Jul 07, 2010 1:09 pm


I'll be posting this over on IF too...

And I will be very picky about criticism. I want it, but I do not want it on the plot: just put what you like there. But grammar, spelling, that kind of thing... Knock yourself out! This will be written in the First-Person view, so forgive any of my mistake, because most of what I have done before is Third-Person. BY THE WAY: The vast majority of these places are real! And, this is present-day... Main character is partially based upon myself.

I've been pondering this for a while now, and I think I know where I want it to go. This is just a prologue...

So, if you will...

I now proudly present, my very first Original Writing piece...

Freedom's Flame

Freedom's Flame FreedomsFlameCover

Prologue: Nightmare

Crunch. Crunch. The twigs beneath my paws cracked.

"Motaki, Nyssa, be quiet!" my mother growled, baring her snow-white fangs for a second.

No need to go so dramatic, I thought, before I mumbled "Yes, Mother" as a reply.

If only I had known….

Crack. Crack.

The sound of something heavy moving.

"Nyssa!" I snarled under my breath.

"That wasn't me," she whispered.

"Lakota, was that you?" my mother asked.

"No, Kiana, it wasn't." He sounded confused.

Oh… Crap.

"Nyssa, you know that place I showed you? The one where we hid a while ago?" I whispered fervently.


"Go there."


I was two entire years older than her three years, hence taller and stronger. I rose to my full height (Still not matching my parents', of course), and growled.

"Yes, you will. Now."

"Fine," she grumbled, turned around, and sprinted into the pines.

I could smell them now, the spreaders of the Darkness.

"They're coming now, aren't they?" I asked very quietly.

"Yes." Mother's voice was full of sorrow- unusual, I noted. "Do as I say, when I say it. Promise?"

"I promise," I whispered. Fear rushed through me, growing stronger with every beat of my heart.

I bared my fangs, widened my stance, threw my wings out, and sank my snow-white claws into the ground, my black fur blending in with the shadows in the clearing. Perfect.

The smell was stronger. Horribly strong. It burned; I snarled.

And then they came.

Leading them was the biggest one, of course. Ferinus, Leader of the Terrorwolves. His fur was an incredibly ugly shade of grey. I didn't pay attention to the twenty or so wolves behind him- none of them were quite as large as he, who towered over even my parents. This was why I had sent Nyssa away- so that she could be safe.

I went into a hunting position now- body low to the ground, tail straight, head raised, wings pinned to my sides, fangs bared.

Ah. But I knew it was worthless. My fangs thirsted for Terrorwolf blood, but I knew that we could not win.

My parents were calm. They stood straight, erect, and proud, glaring at the others- I would not allow myself to think the names.

Ferinus stood calm, at the point of the arrow-shaped formation. Then, he began to speak. To me, they were a snake's words; foul, twisted, lying, not to be trusted.

"So, Kiana Firefang and Lakota Snowfang," he said, as if he were observing art rather than an opponent in the deadliest war my race had ever seen. "You survived. But wasn't there another…?"

I did not offer my parents the chance to reply.

"There is no other," I lied with a snarl.

Ferinus acted surprised, but I knew it was a lie. I had fought and killed in The Last Battle.

He blinked at me a few times, and then addressed me- I hated it.

"Motaki Firefang, is it? Hmm. I expected… Something, well, more from such a supposedly lethal fighter."

Sarcasm layered every word, especially heavy on the "more" and "lethal". How dramatic and childish and... Stupid!

I snarled yet again.

He glared at me, now, - he did not like that, and I was glad.

"Shut up, you idiot child," he spat. I hated him even more- how was that possible? Suddenly, all of that rage and hate inside me exploded- I couldn't hold it in any more- and I lunged for his throat.

Immediately, halfway through my brief flight, something cold locked onto my legs, mouth, and wing-arms. Everything was cold to me, but this was especially cold.

I looked down; something shimmered for a brief instant.



I thrashed, and they bit into me.

"Lyssar, take care of that, will you?" he drawled (I hated him even more yet), with a lazy flick of a grey paw towards me.

I growled.

My father did more than that, though.

He snarled furiously, and lunged just the way I had. This time, Ferinus waited for him. Just when my father's fangs were only five inches away from his jugular- five freaking inches- his grey paw darted up and smashed my father into a large pine, which shook and fell with the force of the impact.

There was a large crack from the tree. My father flexed his claws and began to stand, but Ferinus was already on top of him, a paw on his forehead.

"You chose wrong, stupid mutt," Ferinus breathed into my father's ear. "You chose wrong, and you will suffer. And so will your family."

"Never!" my father snarled, and he struggled.


"Stupid mutt," Ferinus breathed.

And then he smashed his paw down- and my father's skull with it.

If my muzzle hadn't been bound, I would have screamed. But as my jaws moved ever so slightly, the shackle-chain tightened, and I couldn't make a sound, except for a low whine in my throat.

There was pressure on the hollow in my shoulders, and only then did I think to look at the one who had been sent to pin me down.

The figure was distinctly feminine- a slightly narrower chest, a more elegant figure. But this isn't what surprised me most.

Lyssar's fur was a dark, deep black, although not as pure as mine. Terrorwolves didn't have black- or white- fur.

She was an Unwilling, and there was pity and sorrow in her eyes as she looked at me. Not hate or happiness at Lakota Snowfang's death.

She leaned in close to me.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she breathed. "I never wanted this to happen. I wanted them to die. I fought against them. I want them to die!"

I nodded, and I managed to roll my eyes and mutter (Because the chains had loosened slightly,), "Sing it, sister." I remembered her now.

Then I looked back.

My mother snarled, enraged at her mate's death. She was smarter; she began to circle him, and he did the same.

"You. Will. Suffer." Her words were a cross between a snarl, a growl, a hiss, and a roar- I actually shrank back a little.

She was Kiana Firefang, and only death could stop her.

They both lunged at the same time, and it was a mass of grey fur, black fur, white fangs and claws, and crimson fangs and black claws. I couldn't see anything except that the grey mass was on top more often.

Then, the whoosh of air passing through fur at a high speed.

A loud crack.

Then nothing.

I looked towards the source. At the stump of the very same tree my father had died by- horrible pain thinking the words- my mother laid.

"No," I whispered. The chains were loose- I tilted my head and they fell off. "NO!"

Dark red blood mixed with veins of the darkest, purest gold poured from a gash on her forehead.

"Motaki… Run…." She breathed.

I twisted out of Lyssar's grip, and the chains broke. I began to run, but just as she was in the center of my vision, Kiana Firefang's head fell.

She was dead.

No, I thought. This is a dream. I tried to open my eyes, to wake up. But I couldn't.

I was probably a mile through the forest now- I was faster than they, even at this age. And they wouldn't chase me.

I shoved all my emotions away, down to a place inside me, inside a vault, in a black void.

One thought possessed me now: To find, and protect, Nyssa.
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Ex Staff
Ex Staff

Join date : 2010-03-29
Posts : 559

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PostSubject: Re: Freedom's Flame   Freedom's Flame Icon_minitimeWed Jul 07, 2010 1:39 pm

Hey Wolf! You haven't been on BZ lately...But the whole GSEB crew is here! Except Klaws who is inactive...Anyways... :D

I'm not sure about First-Person...It might be only because I never liked, or read anything first-person...It's a pretty good idea! Maybe a little more description? And there's a few grammar mistakes but I'm too lazy to point them out...Good wolf!

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Lone Wolf
I am such a post-wh*re and I am proud of it.
Lone Wolf

Join date : 2010-03-09
Rank : Technical Admin / Webmaster

Posts : 2523

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PostSubject: Re: Freedom's Flame   Freedom's Flame Icon_minitimeTue Jul 27, 2010 6:38 am

Interesting I must say....

Are you going to continue with this? I'd critic, but I want more to go on than just a Prologue

There are so many people out there who say, "You can't."
What you have to do is turn around and say, "Watch me."
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PostSubject: Re: Freedom's Flame   Freedom's Flame Icon_minitime

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