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 Some strange thoughts

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Sophia
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PostSubject: Some strange thoughts   Sat Aug 07, 2010 9:10 am

I've never tried my hand at poetry outside of when the school has told us to write, but after reading some of the incredible pieces on here I felt a little inspired I suppose and here is what I came up with...


The flaws in this existence
Are in the transparency of the page
Though stranger to the life I live
Whilst confined into this cage

To lose the joy that life once held
Is something I now know
The time has come and my grasp gives way
Through the miles of air I flow.

I crawled within myself today
To see what I could find
The emptiness of content there
Left imprints on my mind.

Merging into one grand painting
Each tint adding depth of soul
Scenes unfolding in a vision
Canvas changing, now made whole.

A respite from the wilderness
A place that’s calm and kind
Life’s dread can try but not assail
This sanctity of my mind.

Deep inside the heat is missing
As I struggle through the fight
The pains all seem to wash away
And I stand alone in the dark of the night.

Morning found me laying still
Softly on the ground
Curled up with a smiling face
No heartbeat could be found.


Any thoughts, criticism, advice are most welcome. Thank you to all of you who helped me want to write something, I sort of enjoyed doing this.


Last edited by Sophia on Thu Sep 30, 2010 6:15 pm; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : Typing fails in the poem XD)
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PostSubject: Re: Some strange thoughts   Sat Aug 07, 2010 9:16 am

WOW!!!! Very well done I love it!
I probably shouldn't ask this but, When is the next update?

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Sophia
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PostSubject: Re: Some strange thoughts   Sat Aug 07, 2010 9:31 am

*laughs* Thank you so much... :D You can ask, it's fine but I don't have clue, sorry, whenever I next feel like spewing rubbish prolly...dunno when that'll be.
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PostSubject: Re: Some strange thoughts   Sat Aug 07, 2010 10:47 am

O.O Jeez Sofie that was great! :D So youre an artist and a poet huh? Suspect I liked it very much especially near the end, good word choice too, though in the beginning it kinda confused me a bit :/ .... ehh nevermind read it again and now I see..keep it up hope you post more soon ^_^
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Sophia
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PostSubject: Re: Some strange thoughts   Sat Aug 07, 2010 10:54 am

*shakes head* Me no poet...not compared to all of you guys. This is just something I felt like doing...it is confusing, it's about too many things and at the same time nothing I think. Shouldn't have combined them all like that because it doesn't make any sense. But thank you CC for that stuffs :] 'Tis much appreciated. I do kinda like the ending too though.
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Twin Dagger
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PostSubject: Re: Some strange thoughts   Sat Aug 07, 2010 7:00 pm

I agree with CC on this. You are indeed an artist and a poet. That is great. All except the image that goes with the last line. The poem is great.
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Sophia
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PostSubject: Re: Some strange thoughts   Sat Aug 07, 2010 7:09 pm

Thank you...and like I just said, it's not about actually dying, just being so hurt you forget what emotion is, when you stop feeling, metaphorically no heartbeat. But it's also about other stuff so if you can't see where that applies to some parts of the poem then that'll be why.

Thank you again Keith, but I'm certainly not a poet, just an amateur who wanted to try something because they felt like it.
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Artrain
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PostSubject: Re: Some strange thoughts   Thu Aug 12, 2010 11:55 am

Oho! Look who's in town! Incredibly intriguing this. And Extremely well written. The metaphors were everywhere. Every line had an astounding weight to it. Every stanza was seemed a separate allegory. Its something I'd like to hear much more about than just a couple of sentences of explanations. But considering this is your first poem apart that you did by yourself, it was really astounding. Definitely would like to read more from you...

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Sophia
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PostSubject: Re: Some strange thoughts   Thu Aug 12, 2010 1:28 pm

Well I put some time into thinking what this is all about, scrawled 2 pages in and A4 notebook as a matter of fact so now I might as well put it all up Smile I think the mistake I made when writing this was not having any given concept or direction when I began, simply a desire to write. So people are really welcome to take whatever they want from it. I’m going to sort of try and explain what it means to me though now…

Generally overall the concept is I would say the idea of ‘understanding’, what it is to have it, what it is like to want it and what a sense of understanding can create. But I think each verse or couple of lines means something a little different, I only just started thinking it in detail, so I’ll type up the original thoughts and maybe add in new ideas.

It starts with talking about how easy it is for those who want to understand you to do so and however much you try to stay hidden, or prevent them seeing what you don’t want them to that is often impossible. The second two lines are about not being able to understand your own life, because of the fact that you are yourself, how being in your own head so to speak, prevents your perspective – the ‘cage’ of your own mind. The next verse starts off with the obvious feeling of sadness and then goes into the feeling of losing control or purpose.

Third verse is being alone, trying to think, to understand that which seems impossible – realising how little you know, as well as how much you have to learn and the desperation or confusion of not being able to understand.
Then about the feeling of revelation, not of possessing overall understanding but the feeling at the moment of realisation, the temporary sense of accomplishment when after however long you have spent trying to discover something the answer comes to you. And how that might give you hope for knowing more, one day.

Right…sorry about all this talking. Seems I can’t do things by halves, once I get started I can’t stop. Fifth verse is generally meaning the opposite to what it’s saying, that whilst your mind should be a haven from the safety of the world it is really the place where the greatest fear and insecurity is instilled. And the place where the need to know and see things clearly always comes from. ‘Life’s dread’ does not come from life itself but rather from within you.

Following verse, is contemplating the opposite of what the fourth verse is about. When knowledge makes you lose the desire to know. This is probably more related to emotion than the rest of the poem. The fight is the fight to understand, the pain washing away is two separate things – losing the need to understand, and more literally allowing the pain of what you have learnt to numb you.

And the final verse. I already kinda explained this – being deprived of emotion. And the other part I didn’t talk about was how in my eyes contentment and understanding fall hand in hand. Without a full and complete understanding you can never be at peace. This probably sounds cynical, all I am saying though is that you will always feel the need to know something more (I’m not saying that it’s impossible to be happy without knowing things) just that absolute peace of mind comes from not feeling there is anything you need to discover and since we can never comprehend everything, being completely content isn’t possible till you are able to fully accept that you will never understand things. It is simple to say that you are alright with not knowing things but many people die wishing there were things they had a little more time to understand. I guess the final verse is about my hope that I won’t do the same, that one day I’ll be alright with the idea of not understanding why things happen as they do and why the world exists as it is.

As you can see this poem is a muddle of ideas that don’t quite make sense, guess I can’t expect more than something like this from myself. Just words of utter and complete confusion. And if you are a sorry person who has just read this entire, ludicrous explanation that I am so sorry for putting you though that.

EDIT: Dear lord god that's a lot of words, Ar, you never should have asked what it was about Razz
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Artrain
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PostSubject: Re: Some strange thoughts   Fri Aug 13, 2010 2:27 am

*laughs* Every single one of your stanzas can be made into separate poems. This one seemed like you put everything into one basket. One extremely heavy basket. Enjoyed your explanations.
Hmmm... wrote:

And the final verse. I already kinda explained this – being deprived of emotion. And the other part I didn’t talk about was how in my eyes contentment and understanding fall hand in hand. Without a full and complete understanding you can never be at peace. This probably sounds cynical, all I am saying though is that you will always feel the need to know something more (I’m not saying that it’s impossible to be happy without knowing things) just that absolute peace of mind comes from not feeling there is anything you need to discover and since we can never comprehend everything, being completely content isn’t possible till you are able to fully accept that you will never understand things. It is simple to say that you are alright with not knowing things but many people die wishing there were things they had a little more time to understand. I guess the final verse is about my hope that I won’t do the same, that one day I’ll be alright with the idea of not understanding why things happen as they do and why the world exists as it is.
This one caught my eye obviously. Very interesting thought. Being alright with not understanding. *laughs again* It goes against everything that I am, but it was good reading this. And again, thank you for putting it up...

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Twin Dagger
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PostSubject: Re: Some strange thoughts   Mon Aug 16, 2010 7:18 am

I never thought that one poem could mean all of that. Soph that is brillient how you put all of that meaning into a single poem. You are truley a great poet.
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Sophia
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PostSubject: Re: Some strange thoughts   Thu Sep 30, 2010 12:01 pm

Well I've had a helluva lot of time this last week and this is the product. I'll open with say...two of them.


Tonight we rise

Chasing fate, that artful thief,
With a whisper that shakes from root and leaf,
To hear you in the moonlight speak,
Put calloused hand to blood stained cheek.
Tonight we ride,
Tonight we peak.

Echoed will across a crumbling chasm,
Cries the gods still cannot fathom,
Thundering through my mind and heart,
To curtained ships as we depart.
Tonight we fly,
Tonight we start.

The journey valued as the end,
The path before us to ascend,
With tandem steps do we begin,
Your hand taking mine, skin held to skin.
Tonight we run,
Tonight we win.

What will and fate alone deny,
Together built forever high,
An effort made toward the prize,
Defy your fears and dry your eyes.
Tonight we fight,
And tonight we rise.

----------------------------

Beginning again

So distinct you are, men of terror,
Certain the kingdom belongs to your kind,
So sure the earth will spin, the moon shall shine,
And your scarlet sun will each day rise.

Suffer as combustion violently thaws,
Heaven through day and night is eternal,
Remember the dream, together you weaved,
The lies sowed, the truth you now reap.

Blow gently when fires consume your hell,
Hold the memory dear, of harvesting life,
As seasons become a mere anamnesis,
In your perpetual winter of scalding fire.

When your warmth is but a distant memory,
Wrap up your seeping paradise,
Bury it deep within your souls,
And now, foolish people, endure you conquest alone.


----------------------------

I'd say the meaning of both is clear. Nothing like the ambiguous metaphors the previous one was filled with. Any parts that may lack in an obvious meaning I'm simply leave to the interpretation of individuals. But as I said, I reckon they're all pretty perspicuous.
Comment as you please, it's all very much appreciated boys and girls. ^_^
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Artrain
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PostSubject: Re: Some strange thoughts   Fri Oct 01, 2010 10:17 am

Sophia wrote:

Tonight we rise

Chasing fate, that artful thief,
With a whisper that shakes from root and leaf,
To hear you in the moonlight speak,
Put calloused hand to blood stained cheek.
Tonight we ride,
Tonight we peak.

Echoed will across a crumbling chasm,
Cries the gods still cannot fathom,
Thundering through my mind and heart,
To curtained ships as we depart.
Tonight we fly,
Tonight we start.

The journey valued as the end,
The path before us to ascend,
With tandem steps do we begin,
Your hand taking mine, skin held to skin.
Tonight we run,
Tonight we win.

What will and fate alone deny,
Together built forever high,
An effort made toward the prize,
Defy your fears and dry your eyes.
Tonight we fight,
And tonight we rise.

----------------------------
The first thing that comes across when reading this is that it is so well written. I haven't read any poems much better constructed and worded as this. Allegorical stanzas made it very interesting to read. Overall the poem seemed to be a part of four rather than one complete composition, but the thoughts were similar enough to allow some connectivity. Very good work, I must say.
Sophia wrote:

Beginning again

So distinct you are, men of terror,
Certain the kingdom belongs to your kind,
So sure the earth will spin, the moon shall shine,
And your scarlet sun will each day rise.

Suffer as combustion violently thaws,
Heaven through day and night is eternal,
Remember the dream, together you weaved,
The lies sowed, the truth you now reap.

Blow gently when fires consume your hell,
Hold the memory dear, of harvesting life,
As seasons become a mere anamnesis,
In your perpetual winter of scalding fire.

When your warmth is but a distant memory,
Wrap up your seeping paradise,
Bury it deep within your souls,
And now, foolish people, endure you conquest alone.


----------------------------

I'd say the meaning of both is clear. Nothing like the ambiguous metaphors the previous one was filled with. Any parts that may lack in an obvious meaning I'm simply leave to the interpretation of individuals. But as I said, I reckon they're all pretty perspicuous.
Comment as you please, it's all very much appreciated boys and girls. ^_^
On the contrary, these were just as full with figures of speech as the previous one. To a writer, her work always seems clear. To an outsider though, its not that easy. Again I must say well written. Very few key words are there in both to glean the actual meaning, so I'd suggest you to add a bit more. A poem full of metaphors is like buried treasure. People cannot appreciate them unless they have some means to clear the sand ;) Loved reading, though. Hope you keep writing...

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PostSubject: Re: Some strange thoughts   Fri Oct 01, 2010 11:50 pm

I really enjoyed these Sophia. So much...talent and love seemed to go into these....I'm sorry if this is spam...but that's about all I can give.
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PostSubject: Re: Some strange thoughts   Sat Oct 02, 2010 4:57 am

Artrain wrote:
The first thing that comes across when reading this is that it is [i]so well written. I haven't read any poems much better constructed and worded as this. Allegorical stanzas made it very interesting to read. Overall the poem seemed to be a part of four rather than one complete composition, but the thoughts were similar enough to allow some connectivity. Very good work, I must say.

My oh my, thank you very much dear, 'm glad you liked. Yeah I noticed similarly, but I didn't want to build it any more, because everything I had to say was there already.

Artrain wrote:
On the contrary, these were just as full with figures of speech as the previous one. To a writer, her work always seems clear. To an outsider though, its not that easy. Again I must say well written. Very few key words are there in both to glean the actual meaning, so I'd suggest you to add a bit more.

Really, that's...strange, I really felt these were somewhat more obvious. But alright, a little of my own thoughts then...

I'll start with the second, because it had a more of a concrete idea behind it as I wrote. The second and third verses won't give you much. I think the clearest parts are in the first verse and last line, and the title of course. The beginning again, refers to the earth, and as for the poem itself, simply to the idea of human incompetence, to the kind of world we have built ourselves and what we have become, and the inevitable price for the foolishness.

The first one, is much more based on a feeling or maybe a better word would be pondering, of looking out onto what your life will be, and of achieving all that you will. This line of "your hand taking mine" and the constant mention of "we" are very much for a reason. The idea of picturing yourself not being along but rather with the one person and your side, that through everything you derive your strength from.


Captain Tezuka wrote:
I really enjoyed these Sophia. So much...talent and love seemed to go into these....I'm sorry if this is spam...but that's about all I can give.

Umm...well whether it is or not, thank you. Smile
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PostSubject: Re: Some strange thoughts   Sat Oct 02, 2010 5:18 am

*smiles* I see. Thank you very much for those explanations...

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