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 True Love Can Never Die Chapter 1

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Minion #1
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PostSubject: True Love Can Never Die Chapter 1    Wed Sep 22, 2010 12:00 pm

Chapter 1

“I am so in love with you, you are the only girl I will ever love” Sora said to Kairi. “I loved you ever since I laid my eyes on you” Kairi said. Sora and Kairi started to kiss, and a little after that Kairi fell asleep in Sora’s arms. For the next few months for Sora and Kairi it was hanging out with their friends Riku, Selphie, Tidus, and Wakka during the day, but in the evening Sora and Kairi would either go to the island and watch the sunset and the stars, or they would spend the night together in their secret place. Then one day a Gummi ship landed on Destiny Islands, and King Mickey, Goofy, Donald, and Pluto came out of the Gummi Ship. Sora, Riku and Kairi rushed over to greet them. The King looked disturbed. “Are you okay?” asked Kairi. “Um actually, no. Sora, Riku I hate to ask this of you but I need your help again.” King Mickey replied. “Sure what do you need help with?” Riku asked. “I need your help with another mission it will be very dangerous, more dangerous than you have faced in the past.” the king replied. Riku and Sora nodded their heads. “Wait!” Kairi said, “if you guys are going I’m coming too”. I’m sorry Kairi but no.” Sora said. “Why not?” asked Kairi. “Because its too dangerous. Your happiness and security are my first priorities, And I wouldn’t be able to go on with my life if something were to happen to you on this mission.” Sora said with a deep sadness in his face. “Okay, I’ll stay here, just promise me you’ll come back to me” Kairi said. “I promise I’m gonna come back to you, and well pick up right where left off” Sora replied.
King Mickey, Donald , Goofy, and Pluto returned to their ship. Riku went to his house to get some sleep. Sora and Kairi walked to the secret place hand in hand and spent the last night together Kairi cuddled up next to Sora as she started to kiss him and Sora started to kiss back and Kairi wrapped her arms around Sora’s neck. Morning came. Kairi and Sora were still asleep, Kairi was snuggled up against Sora’s body, as Sora had his arms around her. About an hour later Sora woke up he looked next to him and saw his beautiful angel, his princess laying there next to him, “She looks so peaceful” Sora thought to himself, he closed his eyes and fell asleep he didn’t want to leave her. About 45 mins later Kairi woke up and said “Baby you have to get up” and she gives him a good morning kiss. “I don’t want to go, I just want to stay here with you.” Sora replied. “I know but you have to go, you’ll be done before you know and you’ll be back here with me in your arms.” Kairi says. “Ok your right im gonna miss you soooo much” Sora says. The Two walk out of the secret place together and they meet everyone at the gummi ship. Sora and Kairi exchange one last goodbye kiss before he climbs aboard the gummi ship.

*Well there is Chapter 1 let me know what you think.*
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Matt
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PostSubject: Re: True Love Can Never Die Chapter 1    Wed Sep 22, 2010 4:56 pm

TOO FAST!!! Try slowing this down xD This is going way too fast, we don't even get an intro to Kingdom Hearts?

Try spacing out the paragraphs too, it helps the reader read your story.

Example:

"Hey there Sora!" she said while looking over.

"Oh hi"
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PostSubject: Re: True Love Can Never Die Chapter 1    Fri Sep 24, 2010 8:02 am

Like he said space out those paragraphs and dialogue.

Also as Matt put it; TOO FAST!!! Try to give us some more backstory, build your story up both forward and backards. Some good ideas would be to include what Sora and the others had done in the past, how they knew the kings, how Sora and Kaira got to know each other, and simple things like those to give us something to look back on, even if its not immedatly told out you could give little references here and there in the form of flashbacks, group discussions andso on...

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Minion #1
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PostSubject: True Love Can Never Die Update   Mon Oct 04, 2010 1:44 pm

Due to events that have happened, I am not sure if I will continue to write or even post more of the fan fiction I was working on sorry.
-Nick
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PostSubject: Re: True Love Can Never Die Chapter 1    Mon Oct 04, 2010 8:08 pm

Alright, thanks for letting us know.

Btw you can post updates in the same thread, even if its double posting its permitd if your the writer, but double posting is only permitted in the creative section so just to let you know...

Topics merged
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Matt
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PostSubject: Re: True Love Can Never Die Chapter 1    Fri Oct 15, 2010 6:33 am

Oh well Fonny...Topic locked.

If you want to re-open it Nick, you can just PM me or Gardecario here Razz
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PostSubject: Re: True Love Can Never Die Chapter 1    Fri Oct 15, 2010 6:48 am

Or PM me, However, I'll Crit it for you even though you may not continue it, it might give you a little help if you ever decide to write again.

Here we see Sora and Kari Hanging out and have a good time, Then its like WOW what happened in the time that passed? Of that Time that Passed you briefly described almost the entire day for the next few months (I am sure that in life, you would get a little bored with repeating the same stuff over and over again, it would be like a Time Hole (there is a better word for it), A part in history that would keep repeating itself over and over again.....) Sure its Paradise but you get my drift?

Then BANG... Mickey and Co are there, and Its like you are meshing a Summary of events with the story...

Then its like Sora And Kari again..... Bang Sora Gone, leaving Kari behind....

To me it sorta looks more like a Prologue or a Summary of events leading up to the story.... I mean if you were to Expand on these few Ideas you have here, you would have a good 2-5 chapters if you wanted....

Hope this helps for any future writing you may do.


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True Love Can Never Die Chapter 1

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