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 CT Writes? WTF?!

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Captain Tezuka
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PostSubject: CT Writes? WTF?!   Wed Oct 20, 2010 9:38 am

Here's the first chapter to a little something I started last night. (Since I missed out on seasonal) Please give meh feedback!





The Unamed



Chapter One.


A car zipped past the driveway, going down the long, seldom patrolled road of the neighborhood block without a care. As is the norm, I thought. Some day, police should start showing their faces around once and a while to keep people worrying about fines, thus encouraging slower speeds. Some poor little child would come to a sudden and very messy end, if he / she unwittingly stepped onto the road at the wrong moment. The thought of a pulped child was unpleasant.
I brushed the thoughts away like bothersome cobwebs, and went back to tinkering with the lawn mower. It had a clogged carborator, and I knew that if I didn’t take care of it, no one would. Such was the norm, when you live in a family of you and you’re wife.
I blinked a drop of sweat out of my eye, and it ran down my left cheek. Another dripped down my nose. It’s hot out here… hotter then it should be in mid September.
“Mr. Chance, why are you crying?”
I looked up, and there stood the innocent figure of Jacob Fuhrer, a young boy of about 5 years old. He had a dirty old blue Mariner’s baseball cap with the straps pulled far across each other to accommodate his small head. Red crocs and Yankees completed his eclectic look.
“Looks as if you’re divided between teams there, young man.” I commented, looking at his hat and cap.
“My daddy owned this hat before he left me and mommy, and the Yankees are the bestest team ever!”
I smiled, and blinked more sweat out of my eyes. It was starting to sting.
“But why are you crying Mr. Chance?”
“I’m not crying mister, I’m sweating. You see, it’s you’re body’s way of telling you that it’s really hot, and it cools you off too, because when the sweat evaporates, it chills you’re skin. Cool huh?”
Jacob nodded wisely, though I knew he likely hadn’t absorbed much for long. I went back to picking out some grime with a toothpick. If anything, I did a good job.
“Jacob! Get you’re sorry ass back here!” The shrill call of the boy’s mother came out, from the small house across the street. I was at the corner of the intersection of roads, and Jacob’s house was on the other corner.
“Uh-oh, looks like you better scramble over before you’re mother gets anxious.” Jacob bobbed his head and starting running in the awkward gait of a young child across my lawn and neared the road.
“Look both ways now, buddy.” I called out with a smile, and looked back at the fickle engine component. I heard the low hum of a car engine down the road. Good thing it’s far enough off that Jacob will have plenty of time to spare to cross. I accidentally snapped the toothpick, and grabbed another. I looked up, and saw the young lad just starting onto the asphalt. CRACK. My ears picked up the sharp report of a firearm expending a shell nearby, followed by the sound of a car window shattering. I shot up, and looked around, a bit frightened. I heard car wheels squeal, making that sound you get when you rapidly accelerate an already moving car.
Jacob heard it to, and stopped halfway across to look down the road. A Black truck tore down the road right beside my house. (I was facing the neighbors house) It contained two men occupying the truck bed, clad In black. They were both wielding handguns. It slid around the corner at a right angle, scarcely slowing down. I stared at the scene in horror, as the captivated and still Jacob stared at the huge fender bearing down on him. I couldn’t tear my eyes away as it came down on him, as blood and bits of bone splattered the front of the car, and the small body was ground to an unrecognizable pile underneath the tire. I heard another crack, and scarcely noticed the handgun slug that imbedded itself into my left shoulder. The car disappeared down the road. I stood still as a statue.
I distantly realized that I was bleeding. I noticed that I was in pain… a whole lot of it. But my eyes were affixed at what once was the young and curious boy, named Jacob Fuhrer. I saw a squad car trailing behind the truck. A small voice said from afar; so, the police finally show up on my street… Somewhere nearby, I heard a shriek. Where? Who can say? All I can tell is that there is a pile of broken bones, body, and blood in the road and it’s my fault. It’s all my fault.

Comment and such! :D
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Captain Tezuka
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PostSubject: Re: CT Writes? WTF?!   Wed Oct 20, 2010 9:43 am

Alright, I'm sorry, the story had perfect uh... paragraph-ing, but it broke down when I put it here. I'll try to fix that...
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Mozzie
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PostSubject: Re: CT Writes? WTF?!   Wed Oct 20, 2010 9:50 am

O.O That was kinda intense, Spence! I was impressed! :D For some reason, you reminded me of how one of my friend used to write. I don't know if he still likes writing. But anyway, if you don't mind, I leave the others to do the critiques for you. Well done, though. I like it. Heh, update more! :D
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Lady Blood
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PostSubject: Re: CT Writes? WTF?!   Wed Oct 20, 2010 12:49 pm

wow that was really good can't wait for more its the kind of story that grabs ur attention at the start and holds it to the end. keep up the good work.
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Minion #1
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PostSubject: Re: CT Writes? WTF?!   Wed Oct 20, 2010 12:57 pm

That was very good i ushually have trouble reading rather lengthy articles, but not this one you had my attention throughout the whole tractor, can't wait to read more.
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Thorned Hope
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PostSubject: Re: CT Writes? WTF?!   Fri Oct 22, 2010 6:17 pm

Uhhhh................. >.< That was such a sad ending!!!!!! :[ And yet good that the reader wants to know what gonna happen next :| Anywa nice very good...actually liked this..and question.. Fuhrer? That rings a bell somewhere...anyway good job Talon. I'll be waiting for an update.
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PostSubject: Re: CT Writes? WTF?!   Thu Nov 11, 2010 6:39 pm

Like the others said it was pretty food though I could argue with formatting...

A car zipped past the driveway, going down the long, seldom patrolled road of the neighborhood block without a care. As is the norm, I thought. Some day, police should start showing their faces around once and a while to keep people worrying about fines, thus encouraging slower speeds. Some poor little child would come to a sudden and very messy end, if he / she unwittingly stepped onto the road at the wrong moment. The thought of a pulped child was unpleasant.

I brushed the thoughts away like bothersome cobwebs, and went back to tinkering with the lawn mower. It had a clogged carborator, and I knew that if I didn’t take care of it, no one would. Such was the norm, when you live in a family of you and you’re wife. I blinked a drop of sweat out of my eye, and it ran down my left cheek. Another dripped down my nose. It’s hot out here… hotter then it should be in mid September.
“Mr. Chance, why are you crying?”

I looked up, and there stood the innocent figure of Jacob Fuhrer, a young boy of about 5 years old. He had a dirty old blue Mariner’s baseball cap with the straps pulled far across each other to accommodate his small head. Red crocs and Yankees completed his eclectic look. “Looks as if you’re divided between teams there, young man.” I commented, looking at his hat and cap.

“My daddy owned this hat before he left me and mommy, and the Yankees are the bestest team ever!”
I smiled, and blinked more sweat out of my eyes. It was starting to sting. “But why are you crying Mr. Chance?”

“I’m not crying mister, I’m sweating. You see, it’s you’re body’s way of telling you that it’s really hot, and it cools you off too, because when the sweat evaporates, it chills you’re skin. Cool huh?”

Jacob nodded wisely, though I knew he likely hadn’t absorbed much for long. I went back to picking out some grime with a toothpick. If anything, I did a good job.

“Jacob! Get you’re sorry ass back here!” The shrill call of the boy’s mother came out, from the small house across the street. I was at the corner of the intersection of roads, and Jacob’s house was on the other corner.

“Uh-oh, looks like you better scramble over before you’re mother gets anxious.” Jacob bobbed his head and starting running in the awkward gait of a young child across my lawn and neared the road.

“Look both ways now, buddy.” I called out with a smile, and looked back at the fickle engine component. I heard the low hum of a car engine down the road. Good thing it’s far enough off that Jacob will have plenty of time to spare to cross. I accidentally snapped the toothpick, and grabbed another. I looked up, and saw the young lad just starting onto the asphalt. CRACK. My ears picked up the sharp report of a firearm expending a shell nearby, followed by the sound of a car window shattering. I shot up, and looked around, a bit frightened. I heard car wheels squeal, making that sound you get when you rapidly accelerate an already moving car.
Jacob heard it to, and stopped halfway across to look down the road. A Black truck tore down the road right beside my house. (I was facing the neighbors house) It contained two men occupying the truck bed, clad In black. They were both wielding handguns. It slid around the corner at a right angle, scarcely slowing down. I stared at the scene in horror, as the captivated and still Jacob stared at the huge fender bearing down on him. I couldn’t tear my eyes away as it came down on him, as blood and bits of bone splattered the front of the car, and the small body was ground to an unrecognizable pile underneath the tire. I heard another crack, and scarcely noticed the handgun slug that imbedded itself into my left shoulder. The car disappeared down the road. I stood still as a statue.

I distantly realized that I was bleeding. I noticed that I was in pain… a whole lot of it. But my eyes were affixed at what once was the young and curious boy, named Jacob Fuhrer. I saw a squad car trailing behind the truck. A small voice said from afar; so, the police finally show up on my street… Somewhere nearby, I heard a shriek. Where? Who can say? All I can tell is that there is a pile of broken bones, body, and blood in the road and it’s my fault. It’s all my fault.


That's a preferable format, it's easier to read and doesn't come off as a brick of text.

Now like I said; it's good, I'm curious if you'll add onto this or if it's a stand-alone...
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Captain Tezuka
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PostSubject: Re: CT Writes? WTF?!   Thu Nov 11, 2010 9:09 pm

Argyle wrote:
LThat's a preferable format, it's easier to read and doesn't come off as a brick of text.

Now like I said; it's good, I'm curious if you'll add onto this or if it's a stand-alone...

Thanks Gardy. I meant to do that. See, I wrote that on a differant computer with word, so when I transferred it here I lost all my paragraph indentions and that stuff. Thanks though.
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Sensei
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PostSubject: Re: CT Writes? WTF?!   Sun Aug 07, 2011 7:18 pm

Quote :
Some day, police should start showing their faces around once and a while to keep people worrying about fines, thus encouraging slower speeds.
'Once in a while, no?
Quote :
Some poor little child would come to a sudden and very messy end, if he / she unwittingly stepped onto the road at the wrong moment. The thought of a pulped child was unpleasant.
Slightly morbid Smile But good. It evokes an emotional response, which is important.

Quote :
I brushed the thoughts away like bothersome cobwebs,
Very nice simile.
Quote :
and went back to tinkering with the lawn mower. It had a clogged carborator, and I knew that if I didn’t take care of it, no one would. Such was the norm, when you live in a family of you and you’re wife.
Change 'you're' to 'your'. Other than that, well done. You managed to introduce some background information very descreetly. (As opposed to 'He lived alone with his wife.)

Quote :
“Mr. Chance, why are you crying?”
I looked up, and there stood the innocent figure of Jacob Fuhrer, a young boy of about 5 years old. He had a dirty old blue Mariner’s baseball cap with the straps pulled far across each other to accommodate his small head. Red crocs and Yankees completed his eclectic look.
Interesting. afro

Quote :
“Looks as if you’re divided between teams there, young man,” I commented, looking at his hat and cap.
“My daddy owned this hat before he left me and mommy, and the Yankees are the bestest team ever!”
I smiled, and blinked more sweat out of my eyes. It was starting to sting.
“But why are you crying Mr. Chance?”
I can't actually think of many ways you could improve this section. Well done!

Quote :
“I’m not crying mister, I’m sweating. You see, it’s you’re body’s way of telling you that it’s really hot, and it cools you off too, because when the sweat evaporates, it chills you’re skin. Cool huh?”
Here's a better way of formatting this bit:
I’m not crying mister, I’m sweating. You see, it’s your body's way of telling you that it’s really hot, and it cools you off too. Because when the sweat evaporates, it chills your skin. Cool, huh?
So there was just some minor grammatical errors.

Quote :
Jacob nodded wisely, though I knew he likely hadn’t absorbed much for long. I went back to picking out some grime with a toothpick. If anything, I did a good job.
The way you worded the first sentence here could have been better. Like 'he hadn't absorbed much of what I'd just said.'

Quote :
“Jacob! Get you’re sorry ass back here!” The shrill call of the boy’s mother came out, from the small house across the street. I was at the corner of the intersection of roads, and Jacob’s house was on the other corner.
I like the way you're casually explaining the surroundings, and I'm still feeling slightly uneasy since the thought of a pulped child was brought to my mind. You're subtly preparing us for something, and you've done it quite skillfully.

Quote :
“Uh-oh, looks like you better scramble over before you’re mother gets anxious.” Jacob bobbed his head and starting running in the awkward gait of a young child across my lawn and neared the road.
“Look both ways now, buddy.” I called out with a smile, and looked back at the fickle engine component. I heard the low hum of a car engine down the road. Good thing it’s far enough off that Jacob will have plenty of time to spare to cross. I accidentally snapped the toothpick, and grabbed another. I looked up, and saw the young lad just starting onto the asphalt. CRACK. My ears picked up the sharp report of a firearm expending a shell nearby, followed by the sound of a car window shattering. I shot up, and looked around, a bit frightened. I heard car wheels squeal, making that sound you get when you rapidly accelerate an already moving car.
Awesome. Well written.

Quote :
Jacob heard it to, and stopped halfway across to look down the road. A Black truck tore down the road right beside my house. (I was facing the neighbors house) It contained two men occupying the truck bed, clad In black. They were both wielding handguns. It slid around the corner at a right angle, scarcely slowing down. I stared at the scene in horror, as the captivated and still Jacob stared at the huge fender bearing down on him. I couldn’t tear my eyes away as it came down on him, as blood and bits of bone splattered the front of the car, and the small body was ground to an unrecognizable pile underneath the tire. I heard another crack, and scarcely noticed the handgun slug that imbedded itself into my left shoulder. The car disappeared down the road. I stood still as a statue.
You've graphically portrayed the scene very nicely. Hmm, maybe nicely is the wrong word to use, but you get the idea.
Quote :
I distantly realized that I was bleeding. I noticed that I was in pain… a whole lot of it.
Nice portrayal of a character who's in shock and thus somewhat detached from his surroundings. No need for the dot-dot-dot though. Laughing
Quote :
But my eyes were affixed at what once was the young and curious boy, named Jacob Fuhrer. I saw a squad car trailing behind the truck. A small voice said from afar; so, the police finally show up on my street… Somewhere nearby, I heard a shriek. Where? Who can say? All I can tell is that there is a pile of broken bones, body, and blood in the road and it’s my fault. It’s all my fault.
Though it was foreseeable, the ending is still shocking. Which its meant to be, I presume.

All in all, quite well written. I scoured this and found dozens of tiny grammatical errors, but no real area of your style that I could point out need for major improvement. You could make some small adjustments on the order of words, but other than at, there's not much room for improvement. Well done.
If you'd like me to look at any other material you've written let me know. :D
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