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 Fable

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Fog of Nature
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PostSubject: Fable   Thu Feb 10, 2011 2:30 am

The Wrong Jewel

Silently, four hooded figures darted down the castle halls. Ornate floral arrangements lined the walls between statues and massive tapestries. Each statue depicted a past king or queen, steward or speaker of the royal house that had earned the honor of being remembered in stone, alongside the masterfully carved marble the tapestries were woven of gorgeous patterns of purples, golds, reds and various other attractive colors. Saephus cared little for any of it.

As the intruders followed the hall to the kings chambers they came to an intersection where two guards patrolled. Two of Saephus's companions bolted forward, one dispatched a guard with a slash to the throat while the other dropped to the floor following a loud, wet crunch. In spite of the wound to his neck the second guard didn't bleed a fraction of the ammount his comrad did. The hooded figure with the gored hand stayed at the intersection while the others continued, as the second rejoined the group Saephus briefly saw him wipe blood from his mouth.

A humorless grin crossed his face as they pressed on. These creatures were of his creation and he had yet to decide what they were to be called. While their endurance surpassed that of any human and rivaled that of the elves they couldn't be called living. Saephus ressurected them using the new skills he'd spent decades to hone and even then the process couldn't be completed without the Crisis Core which was now merged with the Focal Jewel embedded in the palm of his hand. His creations were hunters by nature but could only operate at night or in the shadows, Saephus had originaly made five of them and lost two in discovering that exposure to direct sunlight harbored fatal results.

Since they were resurrected from mortal corpses they still had basic needs to feed, and an unorthodox method it was, drinking the blood of the living seemed to be the only nourishment they'd accept. Even meat had little value to them, they only thirsted, never hungered.

Finally they came to a grand gateway protected by an honor guard of eight men. Four knights in full plate armor, chainmail dotted the space between plates. Each of the four had a hand-and-a-half sword and a large Kite shield for defense. Beyond the knights were eight riflemen, in place of chainmail they wore a red surcoat but retained the chest plate of the armor set. Noticing Saephus and his companions the knights formed a phalanx effectively blocking the corridor while the riflemen took aim over their shoulders. Under ordinary circumstances this would have been a formidable obstacle for ordinary assassins but Saephus was no ordinary assassin. "Who goes there and what business do you have with king Risthart!"

One of honor guard shouted an awaited a reply, recieving none they threatened to fire. The threat amused Saephus and he stepped forward, a volley rang out his two companions moved with inhuman speed to protect their master. It would take more than ball bullets to stop the undead and while the riflemen repowdered their weapons Saephus raised his hand. His Focal Jewel was stark black and as he charged an attack it glowed a sickly purple, after a brief moment Saephus released the magic sending a cascade of purple needles at the guards. Each needle arced towards the powder cartridge each guard carried to reload their weapons and as each dart struck the powder exploded destroying the rifles and injuring the guards hands.

Equipped for this situation each rifleman that was able drew a rapier they wore as the nights moved forward... apparently fighting a mage wasn't enough to frighten them. Saephus cast another spell that destroyed the knights shields and sent them sprawling to the floor, now his companions moved to attack. As the knights struggled to their feet the figures slashed at them with razored nails or in the case of one unfortunate knight; with sharp fangs.

Three of the knights managed to recover and engaged the assassins, one of them slashed and hacked at the Hunters and found their agility more than he could handle as he met a swift and messy end. The other two followed shortly after while Saephus finished the riflemen with a simple spell. The scent of burning flesh filled the corridor as their bodies slowly disintegrated.

Saephus didn't even bother to draw his sword or dagger as he pushed the great doors open alone. The two doors slid silently on oiled hinges and revealed three more figures in the great chamber beyond. Two men and a woman stood waiting; at the front a man stood heavily robed in grey and light blue, his beard reached down to his collarbone and his hand glowed a golden hue with a charged spell.

A woman stood before the third figure, green and light brown leggings and blouse along with a lighter green cloak. Dark hair covered one side of her face. A maple leaf broach on her cloak and pointed ears marked her as an elf, a messanger if memory served. She weilded a long dagger. Her empty hand also had a spell ready though it didn't glow like the mage's hand. Instead a luminous circle surrounded her hand, marked by vague symbols marked the spell circle as it slowly rotated around her outrsetched hand.

"Who are you and what do you want?" The elf asked, a anger hinting her voice.
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PostSubject: .   Sun Aug 07, 2011 4:14 pm

The Wrong Jewel

Quote :
Silently, four hooded figures darted down the castle halls.
Strange order of words. Its grammatically correct, but I think it would work better as 'Four hooded figures darted silently down the castle halls'

Quote :
Ornate floral arrangements lined the walls between statues and massive tapestries. Each statue depicted a past king or queen, steward or speaker of the royal house that had earned the honor of being remembered in stone, alongside the masterfully carved marble the tapestries were woven of gorgeous patterns of purples, golds, reds and various other attractive colors. Saephus cared little for any of it.
Okay, so we get a picture of their surroundings. Good. You just about got away with this here but in future, try to mix the description with action. For example, what you could have done here is 'One of the intruders cloaks brushed against one of the dozens of statues of past kings that decorated the hallway.'

Quote :
As the intruders followed the hall to the kings chambers they came to an intersection where two guards patrolled. Two of Saephus's companions bolted forward, one dispatched a guard with a slash to the throat while the other dropped to the floor following a loud, wet crunch. In spite of the wound to his neck the second guard didn't bleed a fraction of the ammount his comrad did. The hooded figure with the gored hand stayed at the intersection while the others continued, as the second rejoined the group Saephus briefly saw him wipe blood from his mouth.
Hmmm... the narrative isn't very immersive here. It feels kinda detached. I know the main character isn't the one fighting here, but it could still be more immersive.

Quote :
A humorless grin crossed his face as they pressed on. These creatures were of his creation and he had yet to decide what they were to be called. While their endurance surpassed that of any human and rivaled that of the elves they couldn't be called living. Saephus ressurected them using the new skills he'd spent decades to hone and even then the process couldn't be completed without the Crisis Core which was now merged with the Focal Jewel embedded in the palm of his hand. His creations were hunters by nature but could only operate at night or in the shadows, Saephus had originaly made five of them and lost two in discovering that exposure to direct sunlight harbored fatal results.
You're giving a lot of information away here. I'll give you two reasons why you should withhold about half of this information.
1) Unloading chunks of background information on the first page of your story could overwhelm your readers.
2) Withholding information until later on in the story will keep your reader curious, and this mystery aspect may even be the thing that keeps them turning the pages. Bascially, it provides an incentive to keep reading.

Quote :
Since they were resurrected from mortal corpses they still had basic needs to feed, and an unorthodox method it was, drinking the blood of the living seemed to be the only nourishment they'd accept. Even meat had little value to them, they only thirsted, never hungered.
Interesting concept. Might I suggest breaking the sentences up a bit more though?

Quote :
Finally they came to a grand gateway protected by an honor guard of eight men. Four knights in full plate armor, chainmail dotted the space between plates. Each of the four had a hand-and-a-half sword and a large Kite shield for defense. Beyond the knights were eight riflemen, in place of chainmail they wore a red surcoat but retained the chest plate of the armor set. Noticing Saephus and his companions the knights formed a phalanx effectively blocking the corridor while the riflemen took aim over their shoulders. Under ordinary circumstances this would have been a formidable obstacle for ordinary assassins but Saephus was no ordinary assassin. "Who goes there and what business do you have with king Risthart!"
You're style of writing is to set the scene, and you do it well. I find it reminiscent of Christopher Paolini. Be careful as to how far you take the description though. You don't want to bore your readers. And as I mentioned earlier, try and intersperse some action.

Quote :
One of honor guard shouted an awaited a reply, recieving none they threatened to fire.
You mean 'and' I think. Personally, I'd take the comma out, and start receiving with a new sentence.

Quote :
The threat amused Saephus and he stepped forward, a volley rang out his two companions moved with inhuman speed to protect their master. It would take more than ball bullets to stop the undead and while the riflemen repowdered their weapons Saephus raised his hand. His Focal Jewel was stark black and as he charged an attack it glowed a sickly purple, after a brief moment Saephus released the magic sending a cascade of purple needles at the guards. Each needle arced towards the powder cartridge each guard carried to reload their weapons and as each dart struck the powder exploded destroying the rifles and injuring the guards hands.
You need to go over this part. There's one or two commas missing or in the wrong place.

Quote :
Equipped for this situation each rifleman that was able drew a rapier they wore as the nights moved forward... apparently fighting a mage wasn't enough to frighten them. Saephus cast another spell that destroyed the knights shields and sent them sprawling to the floor, now his companions moved to attack. As the knights struggled to their feet the figures slashed at them with razored nails or in the case of one unfortunate knight; with sharp fangs.
The classic dot-dot-dot once again. Smile Foggy, I'd avoid '...'s at all costs, my friend. One dot works fine in this instance, and dot-dot-dots only really fit in dialogue when a character is cut off mid-sentence.

Quote :
Three of the knights managed to recover and engaged the assassins, one of them slashed and hacked at the Hunters and found their agility more than he could handle as he met a swift and messy end. The other two followed shortly after while Saephus finished the riflemen with a simple spell. The scent of burning flesh filled the corridor as their bodies slowly disintegrated.
Nice.

Quote :
Saephus didn't even bother to draw his sword or dagger as he pushed the great doors open alone. The two doors slid silently on oiled hinges and revealed three more figures in the great chamber beyond. Two men and a woman stood waiting; at the front a man stood heavily robed in grey and light blue, his beard reached down to his collarbone and his hand glowed a golden hue with a charged spell.
Saephus is quite the bad-ass. :D

Quote :
A woman stood before the third figure, green and light brown leggings and blouse along with a lighter green cloak. Dark hair covered one side of her face. A maple leaf broach on her cloak and pointed ears marked her as an elf, a messanger if memory served. She weilded a long dagger. Her empty hand also had a spell ready though it didn't glow like the mage's hand. Instead a luminous circle surrounded her hand, marked by vague symbols marked the spell circle as it slowly rotated around her outrsetched hand.
Awesome. Well done. :D

Quote :
"Who are you and what do you want?" The elf asked, a anger hinting her voice.
Is the 'a' supposed to be there?

All in all, really enjoyable, but it needs editing. Please post up more, I'm genuinely wondering what happens next and eager to read more.
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Fable

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