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 Entering the Darkness

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Old Amsterdam
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PostSubject: Entering the Darkness   Thu Feb 10, 2011 10:31 am

Entering the Darkness

By: Shane Nelson

As we flew through the stars at light speeds, we realized what was really going to happen to us. We weren't going to become the four great heroes that we were told we would become. We were being abandoned. We were going to be taken over…by our enemies. We were being banished from our homes and our family for our "disease." They didn't want the truth to get out I bet. They didn't want us to awaken the others. They wanted them to stay in the dark…

"So we're going to be entering the newly discovered world, eh?" John asked impatiently. "I bet they'll pay us trillions when we get back home, you know?"

"Don't be so sure John. I have a really, really bad feeling about this." I told him crossly. "Just be careful, I don't want to get killed or something."

"Yo! Guys, cut it out already. Aren't we supposed to be a TEAM? And anyways we don't even know IF we are going, so…" Alan reasoned quickly, trying to break up the tension in the air. "You know Derek will kill us if he finds us fighting when he comes in again..."

"Yo…you're right Alan. I guess I got kind of out of hand there. Sorry Z-man." John muttered quietly.

"I'm sorry too man. But I'm serious though, I think something bad is ganna happen if we get sent to this 'new world' tomorrow. Something just doesn't add up." I replied casually.

"Mercerizes is right John. Something doesn't add up here." Derek pronounced his presence by scaring the crap out of us other three astronauts. "Why would they pick four brand new astronauts with no experience to go on such an important, and dangerous, mission? It goes against every regulation in the book…and NASA II follows EVERY regulation especially since…" He stopped there because it was too tough to go on. 10 years before, his own father had lost his life due to NASA not following a standard regulation. Another 15 men and women died in that crash on the moon. After it happened NASA II was formed with more consequences and more 'hawk eyes'. The 'hawk eyes' kept track of everything that went on and it was safe…for a time. Then, a disease broke out from an astronaut who had contracted it on Pluto. The public didn't know about it…and only a few astronauts figured out the truth…but by then it was too late…


"We have to go back…we can't let NASA II get away with this…we can't let them destroy the world…not for something that can be fixed…" I yelled, penetrating the sick silence.

"How? If we go back…who knows what could happen to us…" John muttered. Already the disease had taken its toll on him. "I can't move my legs…by the time we get back to Earth I'll probably be dead from this accursed thing. And you guys will be right behind me, I expect."

"John, we can hold off this thing for a while with the supplies we'd gathered on the moon base. Are you telling me you're fine with NASA II destroying your wife and children? Are you saying you don't care that you will never get to see them again?" Alan roared. He was already showing the first signs of the disease, too. Alan and I were getting the purple-blue spots that showed up first when the disease started to destroy the infected persons' body. John had fallen victim to the later affects much quicker than anyone else because of his poor immune system. Only Derek appeared to be just fine…

"Guys, we need to head to the Albon Moon Base. If we go there we should be able to stop NASA II without endangering anyone or ourselves. And I've got some friends who would help us when we got there." Derek pronounced suddenly. "And, all of us should be able to get treated, at least somewhat."

"Well, if we can stop NASA II from there-" I began but Alan finished it for me.

"-then we should do it and do it quickly before something happens on Earth."

"I'm in if all of you guys are in then…" John murmured.

But the plan wasn't that well thought out. We headed back towards the Albon Moon Base. When we got there, everyone was gone. However, everything was still operational and turned on. There were no signs of a struggle or fight. Everyone was simply gone…

"What do you think happened to them?" I asked quietly.

"Could have been anything…maybe they were taken prisoner or something." Alan answered just as quietly. "I don't like this…I think that something is still here…"

"Guys, guys….this is our only chance! There is no one here to stop us from doing this, all we have to do is stop NASA II and then we can get the heck off of this place and head back to Earth as heroes. It's not like there's going to be another chance if we don't do this now." Derek grumbled. I knew something couldn't have been right, but I didn't speak up. Why did Derek want to use this particular station? Was this all just a trap? After all, Derek still hadn't shown a single sign of the disease that the rest of us were slowly succumbing to. What was he up to?

The next morning we all set out to do our job that we had decided to do, against our better judgment. Alan was to go to the northern part of the station and recover some lost relay transmitter. John, who was now treated (to the best of our skill) and was no worse off than me or Alan, was to go and activate the retrieving matrix. Meanwhile I was to roam the station in search of any of the original crew that had mysteriously disappeared.







[Ed.-not finished]

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PostSubject: Re: Entering the Darkness   Thu Feb 10, 2011 11:47 am

Looks good so far, keep up the good work. ^_^
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PostSubject: Re: Entering the Darkness   Thu Feb 10, 2011 11:59 am

Is there anything you think needs improved upon so far?

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PostSubject: Re: Entering the Darkness   Thu Feb 10, 2011 12:08 pm

No actually, it all looks good as far as my standard goes; Grammar is good, format is good, length is good and you said it isn't finished so that makes it even better. Like I said, keep up the good work...
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PostSubject: Re: Entering the Darkness   Thu Feb 10, 2011 12:14 pm

Alright thanks. I'll see if I can work on it after I'm done with my Independent Study story.

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PostSubject: Re: Entering the Darkness   Sat Jun 04, 2011 12:37 am

awesome so far i think i really can't wait for more i want to know what happens and where the crew dissapeared to lol.
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PostSubject: Re: Entering the Darkness   Sat Aug 06, 2011 2:02 pm

Quote :
As we flew through the stars at light speeds, we realized what was really going to happen to us. We weren't going to become the four great heroes that we were told we would become. We were being abandoned.
Introduction feels like a nostalgic voice-over. Very common, and that's because they're effective. Well done

Quote :
We were going to be taken over…by our enemies. We were being banished from our homes and our family for our "disease." They didn't want the truth to get out I bet. They didn't want us to awaken the others. They wanted them to stay in the dark…

Twice in the those three sentences you used the classic '...' . People use dot-dot-dots as a way to raise suspense, or to give what they're saying a deeper meaning. My advice would be to avoid this cheap way of adding depth at all costs, with the exception of conversation. (For example if someone is cut off mid-sentence.) Strive to add depth to your story by other means, but honestly, the ... makes your writing look amateurish. (which it isn't)

Quote :
"So we're going to be entering the newly discovered world, eh?" John asked impatiently. "I bet they'll pay us trillions when we get back home, you know?"

"Don't be so sure John. I have a really, really bad feeling about this." I told him crossly. "Just be careful, I don't want to get killed or something."


Fairly good conversation. Natural, not forced. But I'd add something after John talks:

"My eyes snapped open as John voice pierced through my thoughts. I glanced across at him, shaking my head slightly (followed by his reply)"

Quote :
"Yo! Guys, cut it out already. Aren't we supposed to be a TEAM? And anyways we don't even know IF we are going, so…" Alan reasoned quickly, trying to break up the tension in the air. "You know Derek will kill us if he finds us fighting when he comes in again..."
The capital "TEAM" is unnecessary. Again, it makes the writing look sloppy. If you want to put emphasis on words, use italics.

Quote :
"Yo…you're right Alan. I guess I got kind of out of hand there. Sorry Z-man." John muttered quietly.

"I'm sorry too man. But I'm serious though, I think something bad is ganna happen if we get sent to this 'new world' tomorrow. Something just doesn't add up." I replied casually.

There didn't seem to be enough conflict earlier to justify these apologies. If Z-man and John had been properly arguing, maybe the apologies would fit, but they seem unrealistic and unnecessary in relation to what just happened.

Quote :
"Mercerizes is right John. Something doesn't add up here." Derek pronounced his presence by scaring the crap out of us other three astronauts.
I like it. Hang on though, is Mercerizes that dudes name or what? I'm confused.

Quote :
"Why would they pick four brand new astronauts with no experience to go on such an important, and dangerous, mission? It goes against every regulation in the book…and NASA II follows EVERY regulation especially since…" He stopped there because it was too tough to go on. 10 years before, his own father had lost his life due to NASA not following a standard regulation. Another 15 men and women died in that crash on the moon. After it happened NASA II was formed with more consequences and more 'hawk eyes'. The 'hawk eyes' kept track of everything that went on and it was safe…for a time. Then, a disease broke out from an astronaut who had contracted it on Pluto. The public didn't know about it…and only a few astronauts figured out the truth…but by then it was too late…
I already mentioned about the dot-dot-dots so I won't go there again. Smile Its feeling kinda cliched. The way Derek stops mid sentence. Also its quite early to be introducing this information. Maybe it would be better if one of the others told the main character about this disaster later on, and its a revelation to him. It just seems kinda convenient that some as unspeakable as this has been brought up already.

Sorry I couldn't complete this, I was called away. Let me know if you'd like me to do some more critiquing.
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PostSubject: Re: Entering the Darkness   Mon Aug 08, 2011 5:50 pm

Yeah, I wouldn't mind more critique. Tis always helpful.

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PostSubject: Re: Entering the Darkness   Thu Mar 22, 2012 7:12 pm

Okay, here's an update. I finished off this chapter, and corrected a few things.

As we flew through the stars at light speeds, we realized what was
really going to happen to us. We weren't going to become the four great
heroes that we were told we would become. We were being abandoned. We
were going to be taken over…by our enemies. We were being banished from
our homes and our family for our "disease." They didn't want the truth
to get out I bet. They didn't want us to awaken the others. They wanted
them to stay in the dark…

"So we're going to be entering the newly discovered
world, eh?" John asked impatiently. "I bet they'll pay us trillions when
we get back home, you know?"

"Don't be so sure John. I have a really, really bad feeling about
this." I told him crossly. "Just be careful, I don't want to get killed
or something."

"Yo! Guys, cut it out already. Aren't we supposed to be a TEAM? And
anyways we don't even know IF we are going, so…" Alan reasoned quickly,
trying to break up the tension in the air. "You know Derek will kill us
if he finds us fighting when he comes in again..."

"Yo…you're right Alan. I guess I got kind of out of hand there. Sorry Z-man." John muttered quietly.

"I'm sorry too man. But I'm serious though, I think something bad is
ganna happen if we get sent to this 'new world' tomorrow. Something just
doesn't add up." I replied casually.

"Mercerizes is right John. Something doesn't add up here." Derek
pronounced his presence by scaring the crap out of us other three
astronauts. "Why would they pick four brand new astronauts with no
experience to go on such an important, and dangerous, mission? It goes
against every regulation in the book…and NASA II follows EVERY
regulation especially since…" He stopped there because it was too tough
to go on. 10 years before, his own father had lost his life due to NASA
not following a standard regulation. Another 15 men and women died in
that crash on the moon. After it happened NASA II was formed with more
consequences and more 'hawk eyes'. The 'hawk eyes' kept track of
everything that went on and it was safe…for a time. Then, a disease
broke out from an astronaut who had contracted it on Pluto. The public
didn't know about it…and only a few astronauts figured out the truth…but
by then it was too late…


"We have to go back…we can't let NASA II get away with this…we can't
let them destroy the world…not for something that can be fixed…" I
yelled, penetrating the sick silence.

"How? If we go back…who knows what could happen to us…" John muttered.
Already the disease had taken its toll on him. "I can't move my legs…by
the time we get back to Earth I'll probably be dead from this accursed
thing. And you guys will be right behind me, I expect."

"John, we can hold off this thing for a while with the supplies we'd
gathered on the moon base. Are you telling me you're fine with NASA II
destroying your wife and children? Are you saying you don't care that
you will never get to see them again?" Alan roared. He was already
showing the first signs of the disease, too. Alan and I were getting the
purple-blue spots that showed up first when the disease started to
destroy the infected persons' body. John had fallen victim to the later
affects much quicker than anyone else because of his poor immune system.
Only Derek appeared to be just fine…

"Guys, we need to head to the Albon Moon Base. If we go there we should
be able to stop NASA II without endangering anyone or ourselves. And
I've got some friends who would help us when we got there." Derek
pronounced suddenly. "And, all of us should be able to get treated, at
least somewhat."

"Well, if we can stop NASA II from there-" I began but Alan finished it for me.

"-then we should do it and do it quickly before something happens on Earth."

"I'm in if all of you guys are in then…" John murmured.

But the plan wasn't that well thought out. We headed back towards the
Albon Moon Base. When we got there, everyone was gone. However,
everything was still operational and turned on. There were no signs of a
struggle or fight. Everyone was simply gone…

"What do you think happened to them?" I asked quietly.

"Could have been anything…maybe they were taken prisoner or something."
Alan answered just as quietly. "I don't like this…I think that
something is still here…"

"Guys, guys….this is our only chance! There is no one here to stop us
from doing this, all we have to do is stop NASA II and then we can get
the heck off of this place and head back to Earth as heroes. It's not like there's going to be another chance if we don't do this now."
Derek grumbled. I knew something couldn't have been right, but I didn't
speak up. Why did Derek want to use this particular station? There were
plenty of others, plenty of better stations, nearby. Was this all just a
trap? After all, Derek still hadn't shown a single sign of the disease
that the rest of us were slowly succumbing to. What was he up to?

The next morning we all set out to do our job that we had decided to
do, against our better judgment. Alan was to go to the northern part of
the station and recover some lost relay transmitter. John, who was now
treated (to the best of our skill) and was no worse off than me or Alan,
was to go and activate the retrieving matrix. Meanwhile I was to roam
the station in search of any of the original crew that had mysteriously
disappeared.

The station was different from how we had left it. It was
more...crowded. Not that the place wasn't empty as hell, but the very
air seemed to shimmer with an evil presence. The once joyful, loud, and
boisterous Commons were empty, dark, and the silence in there seemed
magnified. I refused to even enter the Commons, they didn't feel safe
anymore. But then again, nothing really did here.

I returned to our destined meeting place a little early, and struck the
time looking at the walls. They seemed different, upon closer
inspection, than I had thought. What were once bright, shining clasps
and metal sheets were now nothing more than dull colored pockets. They
barely seemed to be fit as Aluminum, let alone the Carbonex that was
used.

"Z. How long have you been waiting here?" Alan asked weakly a few minutes into my browsing.

"What? Oh. Not long," I said quickly. "Hey, come look at this."

Alan limped over, examining where I was pointing. "Dude. It's a wall. You aren't hallucinating, are you?"

"No, I'm not." I grumbled impatiently. "Look closer. It doesn't even
resemble Carbonex sheets or clasps. They barely could pass as Aluminum.
They've changed since our first stop here."

"Huh. I suppose they do. What of it?"

"There's more going on here than it would appear. Some greater change
took place on this station recently." I paused as a thought struck me.
"Hey, where's John?"

Alan and I looked over our shoulders towards the section where the retrieving matrix was.

"I haven't heard anything from him." Alan said slowly. "He should have
been back by now. Really, he should have been back first. Why'd you make
it back so fast?" Alan added sharply.

"I didn't enter the Commons. They didn't seem right." I replied shortly.
"I haven't been anywhere near John since we got here and split."

"Oh, okay. Sorry."

"It's all good, Alan. Let's find him already, though."

"Sure, sure."

We set off, with no sign of Derek. I kept that noted in the back of mind, but I wasn't sure why I bothered.

It wasn't a long walk to the retrieving matrix, though we went slow out
of fear. All for naught, as there was nothing to be seen, nor any noises
for that matter. The matrix's doors were open, one hanging from half
the hinges, and seemed to have been bent.

"What the...." Alan muttered, striding forward.

"John!?" I yelled, running forward as best I could. "John!?"

"He's not here, Z." Alan said slowly, looking around the obviously empty
room. The only thing in here was the matrix, which had been activated
recently. "Hey, come feel this."

I moved over to the matrix, setting my hand where Alan had. The metal
wasn't warm as it should have been, it was cool. Almost damp feeling.

"And look, on the floor. You can see scuffs." Alan mentioned, pointing down. "But...."

I bent down, examining them closer. "...They weren't made from John's boots."

"Yeah...." Alan took a sharp breath. "What the hell is going on here?"

"I don't know, Alan." I said quietly, looking him in the eyes.

"What do we do?"

I flashed a quick grin, trying to appear nonchalant.

"What do we do? We figure out what the hell is going on here, get back
to Earth, and possibly kick some mutant alien ass on the way."

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PostSubject: Re: Entering the Darkness   Tue May 15, 2012 7:15 pm

Its nice to see some talented writing here. I'll be sure to commenton and read anything else you put up, but goodwork on this one. Best part is your ability to take on criticism and adapt your work to it!
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