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Lady Blood
Guitar God
Guitar God
Lady Blood

Join date : 2010-03-10
Posts : 290

PostSubject: CHAOS   CHAOS Icon_minitimeTue May 18, 2010 8:54 pm

ok so i wrote this awhile back and wanted to know what people thought of it. i will try to post a new chapter a week. enjoy.


“Why didn’t I listen to him” Jen thought while sitting next to Mac’s hospital bed “he was right about them…why didn’t I listen…I would never be in this mess to begin with”. Mac stirs “Jen you still here?” “Yeah I haven’t left” “I’m so thirsty” “I know me to” “why did he do this to us” “I don’t know, I just don’t know” Jen sighs “what will we do now” “I’ll think of something”….
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Lady Blood
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Lady Blood

Join date : 2010-03-10
Posts : 290

PostSubject: Re: CHAOS   CHAOS Icon_minitimeTue May 18, 2010 8:57 pm

Chapter 1 Suspicions

Katie, Mac, and Joe are sitting at the table chatting away about the day they’re having. In walks John and Charlie with Jen not far behind. “Hey what’s up?” asked Katie “nothing much” “nothing” “I’m tired, how you doing Katie” said Jen. “Oh I’m ok, I got an A+ on my math test and I got a note from Rob again, hey did you know he still likes me I thought he was just trying to be nice but…” “hey Katie take a breath once and a while” Mac said with a annoyed face “maybe let other people get a word in” “sorry mac I like talking and Jen did ask how my day is” Katie said “I know its just that you haven’t stopped talking since lunch started” grumbled Mac “I don’t talk too much right guys” Katie “no comment” all the boys say at once “Jen?” “Well… um…. You kinda talk a lot” said jen. Lunch goes on and Katie remains quiet for the most part. The bell rings and everyone gets up to go to their next class. “Hey look the sun’s out” Jen said “where are you two going? Class is that way” “well we aren’t going to class” Charlie “yeah its so nice out” John said “we are going to enjoy some outdoors” “you guys skip class way to much how you’re not failing is beyond me.” “Jen give us a break we come to class enough” John said. Jen just rolled her eyes and headed to class while Charlie and John left school for the day.

“So their not coming to class again” said Joe “yeah they said it was too nice out or something like that” Jen said while getting her books out. “Hey you ever notice that they skip school when it’s sunny out” questioned Joe “I guess why” “oh it might be nothing” muttered Joe. Class goes on; the teacher was explaining the cell division process. Jen was trying to figure out what Joe meant then it hit her. “hey have you been reading vampire stories again” whispered jen “why” “because it sounded like you were saying John and Charlie were afraid of the sun” “well have you ever seen them in the sun” Joe whispered “no but you are trying to tell me you think that our friends are vampires correct” “well there is evidence to prove it” grumbles joe. Jen was about to make a remark but the teacher called on Joe and they didn’t speak for the rest of class.

As soon as the bell rang Jen was out of her seat and headed for the door. Just outside was Katie waiting for her. “Hey Jen what’s wrong you look upset?” asked Katie just as Joe goes by jen gives him a dark look. “ nothing is wrong Katie” Jen paused looking after joe then continues “ so how did your trig test go” “oh it was ok I may have gotten a few questions wrong but you sure your ok” Katie said “yeah fine we should get to German class before we’re late” “ok”. The girls walked to class in silence until they reached their seats when Katie spoke. “Hey where’s Charlie and john” she said looking around the classroom “they skipped” Jen said as she glances at the door with a small hope that they changed their minds and would come to class. “so you going to tell me why you were so mad when you got out of science class” Katie paused “ fine I’ll just ask Joe then” “ fine its his fault anyway” Jen grumbled “jerk” “oh I think I know what’s bugging you, he still on that vampire thing again” Katie says giggling “ yeah he is” jen said. The teacher calls the class to order and said there having a review game. “Ugh! How is it that the days those two skip we have a review game” complained Katie “I don’t know the bigger question is how there not failing” said Jen as they move the desks for the game. The rest of class goes by and the last bell rings. Katie and Jen hurry outside to meet up with Mac and Joe. “Hey what’s up where is John and Charlie” Mac said looking around trying to spot them. “they skipped out after lunch again” Jen said giving Joe another dark look “oh so… how was the rest of your day guys” said Mac “ok” “fine” “mine was good what about yours Mac” Katie said looking to see if Jen and Joe are talking again. “oh nothing much I guess just had the guy in my last class force me to do his work for him” Mac said with a cringe “he threatened to stab me if I didn’t” “oh that sucks” “yeah it does” Mac said with a sigh. “Well if we don’t want to walk home we should get on our buses” Jen said as she starts heading for her bus. Mac stops Jan “hey I almost forgot do you want to come over to john’s house next weekend?” Mac asked “um….sure if my mom says ok” Jen said getting on the bus “ok see you” Mac said waving goodbye.

Jen spends her bus ride talking to kids on the bus. She gets home and once again slips and falls on the icy driveway. Just then Jen’s phone rings “hello” she says wiping off the snow “oh hey mom… was fine…hey I was wondering if I could go to a friends house next weekend….I can great thanks mom see you when you get home bye..” Jen went in the house and she called up Mac “hello” “hey Mac my mom said I could go next weekend” Jen said “that’s great I’ll tell the rest of them” “ok well I have to go so see you tomorrow” said Jen “ok bye” Mac said.

Last edited by Lady Blood on Thu May 20, 2010 9:50 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Ex Staff
Ex Staff

Join date : 2010-03-29
Posts : 559

PostSubject: Re: CHAOS   CHAOS Icon_minitimeWed May 19, 2010 6:32 am

Try to space out your conversations and descriptions...Like

"Hi" he said to Jen.

"Ohai" she responded.

A little like that :D It'll make the reader's time easier to read it Razz

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Lone Wolf
I am such a post-wh*re and I am proud of it.
Lone Wolf

Join date : 2010-03-09
Rank : Technical Admin / Webmaster

Posts : 2523

PostSubject: Re: CHAOS   CHAOS Icon_minitimeWed May 19, 2010 7:33 am

Ok I think this is Chaos!

Please space the paragraphs out a little, please.

There are so many people out there who say, "You can't."
What you have to do is turn around and say, "Watch me."
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Lady Blood
Guitar God
Guitar God
Lady Blood

Join date : 2010-03-10
Posts : 290

PostSubject: Re: CHAOS   CHAOS Icon_minitimeWed May 19, 2010 9:41 pm

ok i'll do that for my next chapter. thanks for the advice
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Old Amsterdam
Bow Before Thy Master
Bow Before Thy Master
Old Amsterdam

Join date : 2010-03-04
Rank : Head Admin / Site Owner

Posts : 7269

PostSubject: Re: CHAOS   CHAOS Icon_minitimeWed May 19, 2010 9:50 pm

I'd also go back and fix up what you already have with that. For everyone else's sake.

As authors, it is our Duty
To create lovable, enticing Characters
And do horrible, evil things to Them.

CHAOS Pbucket
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Lady Blood
Guitar God
Guitar God
Lady Blood

Join date : 2010-03-10
Posts : 290

PostSubject: Re: CHAOS   CHAOS Icon_minitimeFri May 21, 2010 10:24 pm

Chapter 2 Blizzard

The week passed quickly as everyone was excited for the weekend.
“It is going to be so much fun tomorrow” exclaimed Katie as her Jen and Mac wait for Charlie, John and Joe to get there.
“its just hanging out at John’s” said Jen rolling her eyes
“yeah nothings different from the last time” he paused “is there”
“no you worry too much” complained Jen,
just then the guys walk up, but Joe keeps walking with a brief hello to Jen
“oh you two bothered to show up today” Jen teased
“yeah its Friday most teachers give tests on Fridays” said John laughing
“I had nothing better to do” shrugged Charlie.
So they all go off t class and the day goes pretty slow because everyone can’t wait for the weekend.
“Oh thank god its lunch time” Mac said “I hate Fridays they always take too long”
“if you say so, you don’t have Katie talking your ear off all morning” sighed Jen just then everyone comes to the table but Joe.
“Hey where’s Joe going?” Katie asked sitting down.
“don’t know don’t care” said john
“yeah he has been like this all week what’s wrong with him?” asked Jen
“oh I think I know what’s up but I’m not telling” said Charlie giving a quick nod to John
“he will be fine soon” John adds.
They spend the rest of lunch and remainder of the day discussing how they were going to get to John’s house.

After school Joe comes up to Jen,
“hey I just wanted to tell you I can’t come tomorrow and I wish you wouldn’t go either” Joe said in a low voice looking around
“you want to tell me what’s been bugging you lately?” Jen asked
“no you will just get mad at me again”
“you mean your still on that vampire thing” just then everyone else shows up.
“Just be very careful this weekend ok” Joe said turning to leave glaring at Charlie and John.
“what was that all about?” asked john
“nothing you know Joe Just talking about monsters again” sighed Jen but somewhat thinking about what Joe said
“ok then well…I’ll see you at my house round noon”
“ok” they all say at once
“so I’m still picking you up right Jen?” Mac asked
“yeah for the 20 millionth time” grumbled Jen “just checking” everyone was about to leave
“oh I almost forgot Joe said he isn’t coming”
“oh” both Charlie and John said
“what he afraid of monsters getting him” John said in a spooky voice that makes everyone laugh. Then they say goodbyes and headed to their buses.

Jen woke up to find it was almost eleven and it was snowing.
“Oh I hope mom doesn’t change her mind cuz of the snow” thought Jen as she got ready. She was finishing breakfast when she heard a car
“mom, Mac is here” Jen yelled
“ok honey have fun” mom called back. Jen runs out to the car
“hey Mac”
“thanks for the ride” Jen said closing the door “your early”
“yeah I didn’t want to be late cause of the snow” said Mac. On the drive Jen again thinks about what Joe had said.
“Hey Mac”
“do you think that Joe could be right?” Jen asked
“what…. You mean what he said about Charlie and John”
“yeah do you think that’s possible”
“I don’t know but I hope not” Mac said with a cringe “what if it were true and we got trapped with them when they were…” he paused “you know thirsty”. Jen sat in silence mostly trying not to laugh before she spoke again
“well…. They are our friends and haven’t done anything yet so…I think were safe” Jen said as she stifles another laugh. The rest of the ride is quiet Jen thinking of how foolish it was to think Joe might be right and Mac kept thinking how terrible it would be to stuck with a vampire.

They finally got to John’s house, which is very large. It was hidden by Many trees almost like the house had its own forest.
“Wow…John lives here” exclaimed Jen
“yeah it’s not that big but it’s big enough huh” said Mac. They pull into the drive and Charlie and Katie are already waiting for them.
“Hey guys what’s up” Katie said
“oh nothing much” Mac said getting out
“you guys make it ok?” Jen asked getting out
“yeah just fine although… “Katie trails off looking at Charlie
“what” said Jen
“she thinks I drive like a mad man” he said smiling to her. Just then John walks up
“your all here great lets get you out of the cold” John said with a smirk to Charlie
“yeah we might freeze” added Charlie. They get inside and the house is as grand inside as outside
“wow this house is amazing” Jen said examining the house.
“Well this is just some of it” John said with a grin. They went to John’s room, which was more like a wing. On the way he pointed out rooms along the way.
“This place is huge” said Katie
“wow! You were so quiet that I almost forgot you were here” said Mac laughing as Katie punches him
“jerk” snapped Katie, “whoa nice room”
in his room there was almost every sword or knife possible to own on the walls.
“Nice collection you got here” Jen said wandering around the room in amazement.
“Thanks… you actually like it” said John
“yeah it’s awesome” said Jen with a huge grin.

They spend the rest of the day watching movies and just hanging out. “Ring” “ring” Jen’s phone goes off
“hey Jen? Its me Joe”
“oh hey Joe what’s up” she says getting up to leave the room
“nothing I was just checking on you…. There is a bad snow storm starting and I wanted to know if you got home yet” John gets up to see what’s going on and pretending to get some food.
“no I’m still at John’s”
“why I told you not to go”
“I know but your wrong” John paused in the door way to hear
“no I’m not they are vampires they could kill you”
“oh so your saying that I should let Mac and Katie die and save myself”
“no” he growled “ I don’t want any of you to get hurt” Joe paused to try and calm down “I don’t want to lose you that’s all”
“well if that’s the case why didn’t you come then to protect me if your so worried” Jen stopped noticing John standing there but doesn’t turn to him. “I think I should go and if the snow storm is as bad as you say I should stay where I am”
“Jen no please listen”
“no go read your stupid vampire books and leave me alone” Jen slammed her phone shut and leans on the table for support.
“Jen you ok?” John asked coming to stand by her. Jen takes a few deep breathes before speaking.
“I think I’ll be ok” Jen said with her eyes closed “Joe is just being a jerk right now” she sighed and looks at him
“how bad is the storm outside I can’t hear anything” Jen said
“well this house is so big you can’t hear much” John said smiling at some joke
“hey guys come here you got to see this” Mac called out. Jen goes to see what Mac wants and John stops her
“hey come here” he gives her a hug “its all going to be ok” Jen doesn’t notice but he sniffs her hair and his eyes flicker to something dark and sinister then back again. They walk into the living room
“hey look at the news report” Mac said turning up volume as Jen and John sit down.
* the snow storm has turned into a white out in just a hour folks this snow storm is now a full blizzards it is going to reach anywhere from 10-15 inches of snow and temperatures from 10°f - -20°f, a snow warning is in affect until Sunday morning 8:00 am please remain indoors and keep warm this is weather update with Tim Coon back to you Sue, thanks Tim and in other news…*
“well it looks like you were right Jen” said John
“you can’t leave cause of the storm”. John said
“well what now?” asked Katie looking out the window
“call home tell them you can’t come home cause of the storm” Charlie said “um… John can I talk to you a minute”. Charlie and John leave the room
“so who was on the phone” Katie paused “hey Jen”
“what I’m sorry what you say” Jen said looking away from the door way John went through
“who called you?”
“oh Joe trying to tell me to run for my life”
“oh” Katie glanced at the door and back to Jen “so you must be happy”
“what do you mean” Mac sensed girl talk and gets up and goes to the window before he gets sucked into the conversation
“oh you know you get to spend the weekend here and get to stay with John” Katie said in a mocking voice
“why would you say that” Jen says trying to look indifferent and failing.
“you do” squealed Katie “you like John”
“shhh keep it down will you” Jen hissed just then John and Charlie come back
“John” Charlie warned “I know I’ll be careful”
john said coming to sit by Jen taking in a deep breath so Jen thinks he sighed
“so you should find somewhere for all of us to sleep” Charlie said keeping his eyes on john.
“Oh why don’t we make it a slumber party?” Katie said
“ok sounds good to me” Mac said finally joined in the conversation again.
“we could all sleep out here” Jen suggested
“or” Katie stopped cause Jen elbowed her in the stomach
“what” Katie giggled Mac just rolled his eyes
“did we miss something?” John asked looking at Jen
“um.. Nothing” She said kinda dazed
“that’s not true” Katie said “OW” As Jen hit Katie again
“girls” Mac said rolling his eyes again.
“Hey I found sleeping bags” Charlie announced
“when did you leave” Jen said
“just now” Charlie said. They take the sleeping bags and clam spots around the room. John insisted that Jen take the sofa after some arguing he won Katie, Mac took the floor by the fire place and John took the other sofa and Charlie took the floor by John.
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PostSubject: Re: CHAOS   CHAOS Icon_minitime

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